PREVIOUSLY ON MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA: After overreaching themselves by tossing out aprons like they were all Oprah fucked up on red cordial, the Three Judges somehow managed to whittle 50 hopefuls down to 19. But unwilling to simply let them go, they tossed second chances to 11 more and gave out another 4 aprons. But that by itself apparently doesn’t fill an entire week of TV, so we now have 7 people who are getting a third chance to “officially” be on the show, even though at this point they all technically qualify for a pension from the screen actor’s guild.
Fool us once? Shame on you, Channel Ten. Fool us twice? Shame on us. Fool us three times? Ahh forget it, we’re all gonna watch no matter what.
AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
The final hurdle standing between seven remaining MasterChef hopefuls and the last, dusty, bottom-of-the-box apron is revealed to be a Pressure Test, naturally. And the literal cast of the Raggy Dolls files exhaustedly into the audition warehouse to learn their fate.
The seven of them – Miles, Jordan, Melissa, Sarah, Lauren, Jenny, and Molly line up side by side, all dressed in plain respectable clothing, looking less like a group of hopeful chefs and more like a polygamist cult.
Seriously, that’s gotta be a still from a bloody Louis Theroux documentary, right?
Being greeted by the almighty return of Shannon Bennett, back for another year of overseeing pressure tests and calmly instilling utter fear into the hearts of all who cross his path, the culinary devil himself reveals the dish these very much amateur cooks will be attempting: Shannon’s signature Chocolate Bar.
Bennett insists that the whole thing has been “inspired” by a Snickers bar, but I dunno…
…I don’t reckon I’d be able to bung one of those in the freezer and break my teeth on it in the middle of summer.
The judges remark that “theatre is so important to the introduction of this dish,” and if no one takes this literally and attempts to deliver the “To Be Or Not To Be” soliloquy from ‘Hamlet‘ whilst serving this up, I will be very disappoint.
The recipe for this badboy is absolutely gargantuan, and the more the challenge goes on the more I’m convinced they’re all being punished for being too good in the audition phases; like that one drunk fuckhead at a party in 2006 who brags too openly about being a motherfucker at Guitar Hero so someone shoves an actual six-string in his hands and demands he play “Carry On My Wayward Son.” Like, we get what you’re trying to do to them and all, Shannon. But at some point you’re just pointlessly showing off.
Shannon insists that they’ll all be fine if they just read the recipe, a demand he almost makes directly to the camera as if he were trying to reach back in time and address last season.
Because lol who needs recipes?
WHO
BLOODY
NEEDS ‘EM?
The challenge begins and Miles shoots out of the blocks like an absolute house a’fire, the full donk ledge that he is. The episode focuses mainly on him, Jordan, Sarah, and Melissa. Bless the Channel Ten editing team, they like to show their hand early. There will be no Leicester City-style underdog win here today. And in fact if they didn’t have to actually present a dish at the end of the cook, Molly and Jenny wouldn’t have been featured at all. NO APRON FOR YOU.
Melissa somehow manages to overwhip two full batches of cream, and she winds up churning butter like she’s an Amish teen two days shy of starting rumspringa.
In the middle of all this chaos, Lauren manages to burn her hand pretty badly on a batch of scalding-hot caramel-coated roasted peanuts.
She burnt her hand on hot nuts.
If you think I’m too good to make a cheap joke about that, you clearly don’t know me very well.
*Ahem*
An injury like that in the kitchen’s bound to make you a bit testes.
As everyone else falls behind a little, Miles continues on steaming ahead, the only problem he’s encountering seemingly being the fangled tecnotronic blenders he keeps having to deal with. You can’t blitz nuts in a camp stove, m8.
Melissa, who is pure and utter chaos for the entire cook, somehow manages to pull everything together at the absolute eleventh hour, leading to Shannon gifting us with one of the all-time great reaction GIFs.
MFW you order fish & chips and the Chippy Man chucks you a free dimmy.
But the challenges of the task prove too much for the majority of the field, and everyone’s dish ends up having its flaws.
Sarah‘s peanut caramel looks like legit baby poo. Jordan‘s nougat is a runny mess. Melissa‘s tempered chocolate is more or less just “kind of thin regular chocolate.” Lauren‘s parfait apparently isn’t “chocolatey” enough for George (honestly dude, what more do you want?) And Jenny and Molly continue filling the role of “barely appearing in this episode.”
And despite some not really there peanut caramel that was blonde because he “didn’t want to burn it” even though that’s more or less HOW YOU MAKE CARAMEL, it’s Miles who nailed the theatrics of the dish (I’m assuming there’s a cracking reading of “I Love A Sunburnt Country” somewhere on the editing room floor) and the bloody legend Park Ranger scores the final apron for season 2016.
It took three episode – THREE ENTIRE GODDAMNED EPISODES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – but we finally have a Top 24 for the year.
MEET THE GANG!
MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA 2016 TOP 24
ADAM MIZZI (SA) – the chicken and chips aficionado who speaks with all the volume of a mute pillow.
ANASTASIA ZOLOTAREV (NSW) – who the MasterChef website claims is 26 but I swear she looks like… 12.
ASHLEY McCONNELL (WA) – ole’ Beardo himself.
BRETT CARTER (WA) – Rad Dad/Airline Pilot looking to serve up something more appealing than the grey omelette United Airlines chucked me last time I flew long haul.
CECILIA VUONG (VIC) – returning after previously making the Top 24 back in Season 6 and by extension the automatic early favourite.
CHARLIE SARTORI (VIC) – professional golfer who if they don’t make drop a sandwich/sand wedge pun at some point I will petition for the entire crew to be fired.
CHLOE BOWLES (QLD) – misidentified as a Brunswick Street Elite in Recap #1, but Caxton Street ain’t too far off, all things considered.
CON VAILAS (VIC) – representing Victorian but is Tasmanian born & bread and henceforth from now on will be exclusively referred to as Tassie Con.
ELENA DUGGAN (NSW) – if she gets in a bind during a cook she’ll be Duggan herself out of a hole hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
ELISE FRANCISKOVIC (QLD) – whose contestant profile mentions cassowaries wandering into her FNQ house was “not uncommon” which is BATSHIT.
HARRY FOSTER (QLD) – Harry With The Good Hair but the peach-fuzz beard. It’ll come in eventually, m8. Just give it time.
HEATHER DAY (SA) – secretly hoping she has an evil alter-ego called Heather Night.
JIMMY WONG (NSW) – O Brother Where Art Thou who I have a feeling is going to be the highlight of every episode for one reason or another.
KARMEN LU (WA) – swapping FIFO mining for wine and fine dining (FKN NAILED IT).
MATT SINCLAIR (QLD) – the man with the Million Dollar Smile.
MILES PRITCHETT (QLD) – who I’m filing papers to have him adopt me as my new Dad.
MIMI BAINES (VIC) – Hi Mimi! *waves furiously*
NATHANIEL MILEVSKIY (QLD) – who I do not remember seeing in either of the first two episodes.
NICOLETTE STATHOPOULOS (VIC) – gunning to be one of, if not the, youngest winners in the show’s history.
NIDHI MAHAJAN (SA) – a blessed angel of spice and positivity.
OLIVIA ROBINSON (NSW) – a “restaurant manager” which is as close to “actual commercial kitchen experience” you can get without the New Idea running an expose on you.
THERESA VISINTIN (SA) – who lives in Vancouver but is representing South Australia, much in the same way that London represents Brazil.
TRENT HARVEY (NSW) – most likely to have been plucked from the lineup of the Icelandic hockey team in ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks.‘
ZOE KONIKKOS (VIC) – who, thanks to her, Recap #1, and my many friends of Greek heritage, helped me learn that the not all European grandmothers are called Nonnas. The more you know.
NEXT TIME: WE FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE ACTUAL MASTERCHEF KITCHEN.
Drama! Intrigue! Spatchcock! It’s motherfucking GAME TIME, y’all!
Photos: Channel Ten.
