Married At First Sight Australia is upon us and it was, in essence, lots of people from Perth getting “married” on national television. We laughed, we cried (seriously, there were some extremely beautiful and heartwarming moments) and we screamed from the truly chaotic levels of wedding-related drama we witnessed.

Let’s unpack the internet’s thoughts and feelings about the season premiere, shall we?

First off, we met Lyndall who is a sweetie pie, nay honey bun. She said she was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when she was three weeks old and thought she was only going to live to 32 years of age. That was until she started taking a new drug which added 40 years to her life expectancy.

Yes, I started crying. I am going out tonight and will have to re-apply my makeup because my foundation has been sullied by tear streaks.

Anyway! The internet agreed MAFS must protect sweet angel Lyndall at all costs and simply cannae pair her with a douchebag.

We then met Mummy Melissa who quickly established herself as the resident horn dog. She’s an icon, she’s a legend and she is the moment.

She was literally like, “I’m not a regular Mum … I’m a cool Mum!” à la Regina George’s mother in Mean Girls and just kept banging on about rooting. Literally every single conversation was about how obsessed she is with fucking and sucking young nubile men.

Twitter loved her and her rampant freak in the sheets energy. As they should.

Someone on Twitter also said she sounded like *that* Mum at a picnic announcing the clown was on their way and I lost it. Divine words, Twitter user @tk_bulba.

I wish this entire show was dedicated to Melissa but, alas, we must meet our couples. Sad.

The internet was thanking its lucky stars that Lyndall was paired with a bloke called Cameron who appears to be truly lovely. We are truly rooting for them.

We then met Harrison, a man who I cannot share my true opinions about lest it be considered libel.

The internet’s reaction to Harrison explains it all, really. ‘Nuff said.

MOVING ON. Time for some positive energy. We had our first wedding of MAFS 2023, which was between noted lovely humans Lyndall and Cameron.

Twitter was screaming, crying and throwing up in the most beautiful way possible at their union. Cam’s smile! Lyndall’s positivity! Their adorable chemistry! What more could we want?

The next couple to tie the knot were Harrison and Bronte. Twitter was not hopeful about their nuptials, for reasons which will soon become glaringly obvious.

The internet was also in awe at the sheer amount of cologne the bloke sprayed on his Politix suit before he walked down the aisle. Now, I’m a fragrance girly — I love nothing more than being able to smell my own Diptyque.

But he was reaching flammable levels. Folks were scared he was about to spontaneously combust mid-ceremony.

In truly jaw-dropping news, Bronte somehow didn’t have an asthma attack during the wedding ceremony. Her nostrils are far stronger than mine.

Everything was fine and normal and boring until a lass in a dashing pink dress announced she had tea about Harrison … and she had PROOF. The drama! The intrigue! The internet was chomping at the bit for it.

But obviously, we didn’t get to find out what the aforementioned tea was because the kind producers decided to bless us with a delightful palate cleanser in Lyndall and Cameron.

The people, however, were not there for it. They wanted mysterious pink dress woman, and they wanted her NOW. I’m so sorry Lyndall and Cameron.

AND THEN WE GOT THE SCARY JAWS MUSIC. FINALLY. People were shaking about the bomb the pink-dressed assassin dropped, which was basically that Harrison was canoodling with a 20-year-old lass mere DAYS before going on MAFS.

It was a fucking mess and Twitter was ablaze, not unlike Haz’s polyester suit after it came into contact with a rogue candle.

Bronte marched over to Harrison and took him by the lapels of his Politix suit and Twitter was fucking gagging for it. What did we do to deserve such delectable drama right from the get go? Truly tasty.

Bronte’s sister Kirra was spewing at the root rat revelations and she quickly became the MVP of the show. Get his ass, babe!

And that was that. Wasn’t that an incredible amount of drama to drop in the season premiere of MAFS? I don’t know about you, but I’ll be joining Twitter user Bea for a wee bit of rest and recovery after that mess.

Until tomorrow, friends. If you’d like a full rundown on the shitshow which transpired tonight, you can read our gorgeous recap here.

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Image: Married At First Sight / Channel 9