Friends, we need to talk about the cast for the upcoming Super Mario Bros. animated film that was announced today. Yes, it’s 90% amazing but yes, Chris Pratt is Mario, and yes, it has disturbed the Italian in me greatly. Let’s-a talk about it.

The announcement was made at today’s Nintendo Direct, which revealed some of the Hollywood superstars who will be voicing our favourite Mario all-stars.

Illumination will be the studio behind the Italophobic 2022 project, which, in case you forgot, is the same studio behind The Lego Movie (fkn yay) and all of the Minions movies plus Despicable Me (Mario stomp me now).

Chris Pratt – a Minnesotan attendee of a church with questionable beliefs – will be voicing Mario, literal angel and recent chess champion Anya Taylor-Joy will be voicing Peach (great choice), It’s Always Sunny comedian Charlie Day will be the loveable goofball Luigi, and living legend Jack Black will be fkn Bowser.

On top of that, you’ve got Seth Rogan as the barrel-throwing hunk of monkey Donkey Kong, Keegan-Michael Key as Toad (what the actual fuck) and Portlandia actor Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong (love this).

Sorry horndogs, but Waluigi and Wario won’t be making an appearance it seems. However, the original voice actor for Mario, Luigi, Waluigi and Wario, Charles Martinet will be in the movie. Yep, and he isn’t even voicing Mario. What the fettuccine is going on on this day.

Naturally, the movie has taken the internet by storm, because we’re all fkn scarred from the last attempt at a Mario movie, which turned our favourite Italian plumbers into bazooka-wielding bros from Brooklyn.

I personally believe that the fact this movie is animated will actually result in something amazing, but I cannot for the life of me get over the super American cast playing a bunch of Italians in a Japanese video game adaptation. My head hurts. My lasagna has gone cold.

Anyway, here are some memes that have lit up my question block and fired up my green pipe. (This sounded way better in my head).

Tom Holland as Poochy. Please, Nintendo.

I have a feeling Jack Black is going to kill it as Bowser. Here for it.

Here’s an example of what the actor’s voices will sound like as the characters, and friends, it slaps.

All of the fake Mario movie posters have simply sent me into Rosalina’s galaxy.

Nintendo, we eagerly await the results of your gracious gift with cautious optimism. I will be taking my nonna to the cinemas with me. Do not disappoint her.