Men. No wait, don’t leave in a frightened panic, I have something important to say here. When it comes to dating and finding the perfect romantic partner for you, we should all aim to date a Luigi. Hear me out, okay?
In the case of all men ever, you can usually evenly divide them into four characters, all based on the Italian foursome from Nintendo’s Mario Bros. series.
You’ve got your Waluigis, Warios, Luigis and Marios. Any outlier you can think of immediately becomes a Toad, because they’re cute and small, unlike these bad boys.
What you want in your life is a Luigi, and not just because he’s tall and has a cute moustache (these are just hot bonuses). No, what you want is that loveable goofiness, the ability to be serious and skilled when the time comes, but also laid back and silly as well.
Luigi, although he is the punching bag of Nintendo, has all of these marvellous character traits that we should all aspire to have in a partner.
Mario is humourless and far too serious. He’s too practical and problem-solving, too stern and laser-focused on his goals. He doesn’t make time for you, and if he does, it’s to advance him further in the world and boost his social status. Love is a mission to a Mario, and baby you ain’t no side quest.
And then you have Wario, who is a bit aggressive at times, which is a big no-no. He’s vulgar, crude and sometimes rude. Sure, he’ll be sweet and cute with you behind closed doors, but nobody wants to be loved in private and ignored in public by some onion-chomping creep.
Internet favourite Waluigi on the other hand, will pay more attention to his League of Legends game than he ever will to you, while blinding you with his impressive height and shallow attempts at romance. He has the emotional depth of a wet sock and the gaslighting talents of a modern-day politician.
Don’t date a Waluigi. I have, and it never ends well. You cannot be blinded by the stellar sex.
What I’m trying to say here is, Luigi isn’t the type of guy that you settle for because he’s great at everything, he’s the kind of guy that you aspire towards. He’s got everything going for him, from the looks, to the humour and also in aptitude.
You’ll never find a Luigi type of man lacking. He’ll always go above and beyond for you, because to him, there’s no other option.
Girls, gays and theys, we have to start applying ourselves to the dating world like the Princess Peaches that we are. No more settling, we deserve a Luigi in our lives.