Everyone! We made it through the first week of MAFS! Pop open some $8 cask wine and give yourself a sub-par celebratory toast! It’s what these people would do!
After what has felt like 84 years, shockingly we are not done with the weddings. I’m starting to think this entire show is just going to be dragged out nuptials followed by trainwreck honeymoons. WHERE. ARE. THE. INFAMOUS. DINNER. PARTIES.
By now I’m sure you can tell this is my first full-time rodeo with MAFS. In previous years I just tuned in when people started sleeping with other spouses and throwing drinks in faces. But you can’t save recaps for when the going gets truly batshit, so let’s dive straight into another week of weddings!
Speaking of diving – hoo boy, we’ve finally made it to Connie, the shark creeper / marine biologist student who is 50% of the way toward an emotional breakdown already. No one should have let this sensitive flower on this show. I can see her heart on her sleeve at all times, and it’s very clearly screaming “GET OFF THIS SHOW, CONNIE YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF THIS LEVEL OF CHAOS”.
We revisit Connie at her job as resident shark stalker, as she tells us how much she loves staring at sharks and touching their fins inappropriately, or whatever. She’s already laughing that *little* bit too long and telling us about taking herself to the movies. This woman is going to crumble.
My first thought when we see her trying on dresses is – DOES THIS WOMAN ACTUALLY HAVE A SHARK TATTOOED ON HER ARM:
It’s too early to tell but my god. The experts are matching her with Jonathan, a FIFO worker and the one I thought was maybe hot.
Except – oh my god – he’s not “Jonathan” he’s… JONETHEN.
Look, an ex of mine is a “Jonathon” and even that, I could not get my head around. He would also write the shortened version as “Jono” not “Jonno” and like clearly IT’S JONNO TWO N’S. It was a secret irritation in my soul the entire length of our relationship.
The point being, given I wasdeeply irked by the “o” in his name, can you imagine the heebie jeebies I have right now knowing I have to write JonEthEn every time this guy is on screen?
NO. Here’s hoping these two split up early.
Anyway JonEthEEEEEn is ~relaxed~ and ~laid-back~ which we know because the producers show him sliding down stair poles (who the fuck does this) and sitting in a room with a strategically placed guitar in the background (anyone with a guitar on display in their room does not, fact, play guitar).
He lives on the Gold Coast (of course) and is really, really happy on the Gold Coast (of course). Which sounds like “not keen to move sorry”, so that’s probably gonna be an issue down the track.
Before we get to see these two meet, we choof over to Ivan (Eeeee-van).
Ok bear with me because I am low-key obsessed with Ivan? Yes, yes – he’s Mr Busy Man. He’s opinionated in that annoying difficult reality TV person way. But he’s also just striking me as someone who is being fundamentally himself. When he says to his mum “can you stop acting so much” when she nearly wets herself over seeing him? DEAD.
Also he likes pickles, never a bad thing.
The experts pair Ivan with Aleks, the woman from episode 1 who had lip fillers about 30 minutes before going on camera.
They say because she’s Serbian and Ivan’s Ukranian, they’ll share the same traditional values. Except… Aleks seems like kind of a party girl who is super confident and loud. I got the feeling Ivan wanted some sort of mincing sea cucumber type human who whispers a lot.
Anyway back to Connie. She sits down with her Mum and sister to break the news she’s going on the stupidest dating show in Australia. Her mum literally loses her shit with laughter.
They can’t believe she’s doing it, anyway whatever this part is boring – why do we need to see them tell their parents they’re getting married in incredibly staged scenes? As if they don’t fucking know from the 90 cameras stuck up their noses.
Actually, scratch that – Ivan’s trip to tell his parents turns into his mum showing off her piano skills to the nation. This woman is out for FAME and I’m like, get that bread Ivan’s mum, you’re having to put up with the humiliation of your son and his sockless loafers, you deserve your 5 minutes.
His parents are literally the best. They basically shame him in front of Australia, saying he’s never committed to a girl, doesn’t like talking about it, etc.
Back to Connie – she’s prepping for her wedding day and we STILL haven’t gotten a good look at the maybe-shark tatt. Her dress is probably the nicest on the show so far, though.
Over to Aleks, who says she wants her new husband to look like Channing Tatum. Cue a shot of Ivan awkwardly getting ready with a VERY LARGE PACKAGE I AM CONFRONTED.
Either he rolled some socks up in there or the guy is hung, and I don’t like either scenario right now. I feel frightened.
Anyway, back to Joneeeetheeeeen and Connie’s wedding. Connie’s mum does not look stoked on Joneeetheeeen.
UPDATE: Connie’s arm tatt is a peacock, not a shark.
Anyway fuck guys, I got a bit emotional when JonEthEn turned and saw Connie. He’s BEAMING.
Except when they go to kiss, Joneeeetheeeen goes in for a full pash, but Connie just does a peck.
Over at Ivan / Aleks’ wedding, and I can’t get over these two guests:
When Aleks walks down the aisle, she’s immediately like…. oh…
Then looks straight at his horrendous shoes sans socks.
Side note, did Nine just give up at this point – I’m fairly sure their wedding is in a studio.
To her credit, Aleks tells the producers Ivan is the complete opposite of her usual type, but she says it like she’s open to this experience. Which is, um, the entire point of this SHOW. Why so many of these people are like “they’re not my typeeeee” and refuse to even try (LOUD COUGH TASH LOUD COUGH) is beyond me.
Here is a small thing, though. Aleks is all “he’s got a really nice smile, it’s so comforting standing next to him” which would all be cute and sweet except Ivan’s idea of normal altar small talk is saying “what’s your morning routine”.
Whatever floats your boat I guess. Aleks says her vows and they include the words “tradition”, “good morals” and “family values”, so naturally Mr. “my wife had better be behaving morally at her hen’s night” looks like this:
They move on to photos, which are so supremely awkward I want to burn my entire living room down to avoid watching them.
Aleks says she likes their banter – they’re both sarcastic and find each other funny. But from what I’m seeing, it’s like a tax accountant trying to fill in the silence while waiting for an application to lodge itself online.
I am so sorry for that caption.
Then – oh god, I don’t even know if I can write this – Aleks makes a sexy joke about Ivan needing to undo all the buttons on her dress tonight, and he gets very excited and kisses her VERY UNCOMFORTABLY ON THE CHEEK.
I’m talking leering like this:
Then slowly leaning in like he’s going to take a chunk out of her neck, vampire style:
And then slowly and JUICILY OH GOD MAKE IT STOP plants a kiss on her cheek.
It rattled me so much I needed to go make a comforting hot Milo. Thank god we went to an ad break. THANK GOD.
When we come back, it’s time for JonEEEEthEEEn and Connie’s photo shoot. They behave, thankfully, far less disturbingly.
Nothing of note happens there. We go to Ivan and Aleks’ reception. They’re getting along “like a house on fire”, but I have this feeling in my waters that it’s all the wedding high, and in fact they’re going to fucking hate each other. It has that chaotic high energy Hayley/David’s wedding had. And look how they’re turning out.
Over at Connie and JonEthEn’s reception, Connie is worried about her mother. With good reason, if these camera shots are anything to go by:
She’s NOT having this fake wedding, and she WILL let the cameras know it.
Thankfully, she thaws out when JonEthEn mentions his dad who had a stroke. I mean, either she got over her disgust or she just pretended to because maintaining a shit-under-my-nose expression when someone is crying over their DISABLED FATHER is a surefire way to make all of Australia hate you, so.
Meanwhile back at Ivan/Aleks’ wedding, Ivan’s mum – the star of this series, give her a Logie – is back at it again with the personal promotion. She corners Aleks to talk her ear off about her singing abilities.
She says Ivan wouldn’t let her sing at the reception (rude, we want it, give the people what they want) but one day maybe she and Aleks could have a sing together.
In fantastic news, a two-headed woman convinces Joanne she simply MUST sing. Simply MUST.
Brief segue back to “Connie and Jonnie” (no) who are leaving their reception. BACK TO IVAN AND JOANNE “SHIRLEY BASSEY”. Joanne gets Aleks to join her. This man laughs like he’s a maniacal doctor who just made the human centipede:
Look, Joanne’s not amazing but she’s not half-bad either. Aleks gets into it while Ivan acts like a seven year old who wet his pants in front of the class.
Afterwards he’s being such a lil bitch, Aleks has a go at him. She says he should count his blessings since his parents are actually there (facts) and she’s cried daily because hers aren’t there (I just think we need to remind these people these aren’t real weddings, but ok).
Ivan goes off to think about it all in the plastic throne.
In the end, Aleks says she understands Ivan’s tantrum because he’s just European-fiery, and she’s still happy to be married to the giant baby.
Over to Connie and JonEEEEthEEEEn who are getting into bed and giggling about it. Although the producers put maximum romantico music over the top of it, really all they say is “yeah. yeah.” over and over until we all die.
Over at Casa Ivan/Aleks, and we already get a “I’m gonna go put my PJs on, MATEY” from Aleks, which actually means “I’m going to become as unsexual as possible, my unsexual man friend”.
So naturally, she’s taken aback when LARGE PACKAGE EMERGES WITHOUT WARNING:
She makes him put on a dressing gown and then when he gets into bed and strategically starts wriggling closer to her side, tells him to fuck off, essentially.
He asks if they’re “playing any games” before bed (oh god) and she just flat out says no. She turns it into a joke, they turn off the light, the end.
Until tomorrow! When that really REALLY terrible guy gets married! And (hopefully):
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
