Finally – FINALLY – the bullshit relationship of Michael and Stacey is shat upon by a million pigeons. Yep, MAFS saved the best for (almost) last – the big reveal from Mikey that he and Stacey boinked behind Michael’s back. Hot DAMN that is a spicy enchilada!

It all goes down at the final dinner party, which is a bloody time and a half. Let’s get into it, shall we? First we cop a look at people we haven’t seen for 40 years, like Tash, Amanda, and WHO THE FUCK IS THAT:

Someone got excited while shaving his chest and went for the chin too, eh

Yes, Jonnie shaved his beard off. Like many men who have gone before him, he made the grave mistake of thinking the removal of a very sexy beard might make them even sexier, somehow. DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT VOICE OF LIES. Beards are the sexiest level you can get to, the end.

Anyway, before we get into the carnage, Seb and Lizzie have an announcement for us. No, it’s not a MAFS baby (damn), they’re moving in together! They tell us they’re in a love bubble and NO SHIT, GUYS.

STOP IT I’M DEPRESSED AND ALONE

It’s so so so cute. You can’t not be happy for Lizzie and her loved up finish to this season, can you? But also can you shut the fuck up a bit with your love? I’m stuck in isolation until the end of time, give me some reprieve.

Mishel and Steve are still dirty with each other, Connie’s keen to see her “friend” Jonethen again, and to walk in confidently as her strong-confident-live-laugh-love self that she now is, then we visit KC and Drew. They obviously finished things on the series with a commitment, but that’s gone.

I am shocked, I tell you

Basically KC reckons once Drew got back to Cairns, she felt like she had to do all the heavy-lifting. In the end, it disintegrated. I AM SHOCKED TO MY CORE. Lol jk, in what world were they going to work out?

Tonight she’s dressed entirely in sparkles for a low-key “see the ex” look. Big vibe, 100% back it.

Meanwhile, Cathy turned into Khaleesi while we weren’t looking:

where are my DRAGONS

She says she hasn’t heard from Josh since they left the experiment, and Josh says he has no bad feelings toward Cathy. Hahahahaha as if, I put ten bucks on these two having a screaming match at some point.

Ditto for David and Hayley, who both say they don’t wanna relive the toothbrush incident (hahahahahahaha as if x 2) and will be civil with each other. Yeah, let’s see how ten champers turn that one around, bebs.

Also David has another hideous shirt:

is that… beer AND bbq sauce bottles? On one shirt?

Chaotically, Michael and Stacey have made it work for however many weeks they’ve been apart. They’ve been flying to see each other and all is well – except their faces say “mummy I’m scared”:

hahahaha we’re in danger

Then we zoom over to Mikey, who tells us what we already knew – he and Stacey did the dirty. The beast with two backs. The rumpy pumpy. A boink fest. A one way ticket to BoneTown USA.

THE SEKS.

The way it went down is this – Aleks, Ivan, Mikey and Stacey ended up drinking after the Michael/Hayley cheating scandal erupted. With Michael in a different hotel room, it meant Stacey and Mikey ended up with a room to themselves, and they had a one night stand.

YOWZA.

how do you like THEM apples and by apples I mean my large balls

He says that at first he tried to sweep it under the rug, but it’s played on his mind since it happened – so he told Natasha, and now he wants to come entirely clean with everyone. FUCK YEAH MIKEY as if this is about wanting to be honest and not entirely about destroying The Smunts!!!! The true honesty would be to say that until now the producers made you shut your pie-hole so they could use this drama as leverage in the Great Smunt Break Up Of 2020!!!!

Here’s another curve ball we all kinda knew about but not really – Aleks and Ivan are still together!

a tepid surprise bitches

Except not reeeeally. When the producers ask them if they’re together, they look around awkwardly before Ivan says “we’re making our own mind up about what we are”. Ummmm ok. Sounds like absolutely fucking nothing and exactly what the experts are trying to get everyone NOT to do anymore (enter into half-baked, quasi-relationships like two commitment phobic sea cucumbers) but sure.

People start arriving to the dinner party. John says from the Creepy Surveillance Room that all the people arriving have two choices, to have their final say or to take the high road and just move one. HAHAHAHAHA JOHN. That’s a funny joke, John. Good one, you chancer.

You can’t see it but Horny Trisha is cackling at John’s funny joke with her mouth closed

More people arrive – Poppy and Luke are on fine terms, Seb and Lizzie make the experts squeal with reassurance that their method of matchmaking works 0.0002% of the time, Tash walks in and is frosty as fuck to Amanda… it’s all happening. I can’t WAIT for these people to get drunk.

There’s talk of Cathy and Josh having torches for each other still, because Cathy avoids him like the plague when she walks in. The bald-faced man we’ve never met before arrives. Then Connie walks in – they’re on good terms, but then Connie’s like to the camera “why did he shave the beard” – SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN’T CONNIE.

did my husband just not show up or…

She says he looks like a hairless cat which is pretty mean but also at this point it’s like, a 1/10 meanness compared to everyone else’s bullshit so who cares.

Oh well. Beards grow back, Jonnie! Hopefully yours already has otherwise I’m toppling you from my list of Hot MAFS Guys I’d Like To Fuck (If I Wasn’t In Quarantine And Never Allowed To Fuck Ever Again Never Ever).

Hayley walks in, and things are fine with her and David… for NOW. She goes over and starts going on about good intentions and so on, while Steve stands there like a nervous flamingo, all jittery and ready to leap away from the situation if it takes a turn.

please get out of my marshy pond

Natasha walks in and immediately tells the girls Mikey betrayed her, but does that annoying thing where she doesn’t give specifics. Like when people post those vague Facebook statuses “Feeling shit… how could someone be so cruel…” and you’re like ughhhhh well NOW I don’t even want to ask you about it coz you’re fishing so hard.

Obviously she has to be vague so she can throw the cheating in Stacey and Michael’s face like a poo-filled nappy later on, but it’s also annoying.

Then Mikey walks in and asks her for a chat. He apologises for betraying her (apparently she felt it was a betrayal since they hadn’t officially split on the show, just in person) and she accepts the apology. They’ve now become the two henchmen of the apocalypse but in a good way. Like the fun, zesty henchmen who cause drama.

Eventually Michael and Stacey walk in, and the room is divided by people who won’t have a bar of them and people who are oblivious to the drama about to ensue.

Natasha says she’s going to make a toast as soon as they make it to dinner. Oh god. The woebegone waiter who hates his job soullessly taps a glass to force these people into the Wine Consumption Room.

Everyone eats and drinks and is boring, except for Connie who talks with food in her mouth – an icon. We stan a talker and an eater, no arguments.

this is iconic and i won’t hear otherwise

Meanwhile, Natasha looks increasingly more chaotic as the wines flow.

wine confidence rising… RISING…

Eventually she gets up and says she’s making this toast. Everyone drains their wine before she can begin.

that’s not how you do a toast you silly clean-shaven bitch
for the last time, does no one understand a toast

She begins by saying it’s so nice to be back together, then toasts Stacey and Michael as “the fakest couple on reality TV” and then says “and cheers to you Stacey for fucking my husband on our one month wedding anniversary.”

HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHAHAA FUCK!

Everyone is as shocked as the day they were rudely pushed out of their mum’s vagina into this godforsaken world.

me pretending i didn’t know a secret and doing a shit job of it
me when i know i can michael jackson popcorn this shit and not worry about being involved

Stacey is like, what fresh hell is this.

genius idea: pretend to have a tension migraine, no one questions a migraine

The experts are shooketh, except for Horny Trisha who I assume is just excited SOMEONE is fucking on this show.

god bless you, you sexually active cheaters

Stacey immediately denies it, but doesn’t sound very confident in her denial. It’s very “oh maaaaaa gaaaawdddd whaaaaat.” Mikey meanwhile looks like he wants to crawl under the fucking table and do a stress shit, so much for being a team with Natasha lol.

Natasha starts yelling down the table at Stacey, calling her a liar. She then says “is it because you’re a lawyer and I told you Mikey lasted for 20 seconds so you needed to find out for yourself” HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD.

Eventually Mikey swallows his stress shit back up his ass and stands up sweatily to make his statement.

like was actually wiping his forehead with a tea towel, I can’t make this shit up

He says that yes, he and Stacey had sex after drinking many, many beers. Stacey continues to deny this and it leads to Mikey and Michael yelling across the table, after Michael says “is there any evidence of this”. HAHAHAHA WHAT!? Like a fucking used condom Mikey’s gently folded into a leather-bound book for safe keeping?

The argument rolls on. Mikey says he has text messages sent to him by Stacey that say stuff like “sorry I left so early this morning.” Stacey says they don’t exist, except when Mikey goes to get his phone it turns out they DO exist!

Meanwhile Michael’s just like:

at what point do i go from a simple run of the mill chump  to the chumpiest chump

Someone brings up that Aleks and Ivan were there when the preliminary stuff was going down and they’re both like oh nonononono please do not involve us thanks:

who is Aleks i am Blonde… Skela

Aleks does say very quickly that Mikey’s clothes were dropped off to her room in a Mecca bag – for some reason it tickled me that Mecca are getting some accidental spon in the middle of this MAFS fiasco. Stacey glares at her and is like “they weren’t his clothes” and Aleks is like “babe we have photos.”

FUCK OFF WITH YOUR RECEIPTS AND LET ME LIVE

It is just shit on shit on shit for Stacey, but she keeps denying everything. It is wild! Then she starts saying she was single when this “allegedly” went down, so it doesn’t even matter – because this was when she’d written leave and kicked Michael out? Like wait are you trying to knit a safety net mid-call-out coz honey, it is not working.

Hayley eventually pipes up because obviously this is fucked for her – Stacey heaped shit on her for saying she kissed Michael, when Stacey had secretly fucked Mikey! Mishel backs Hayley and says it’s disgusting how Stacey let Hayley get bullied for something so small considering this.

Hayley tells us her shoe has more integrity than Stacey. LOL.

“and it’s from payless, by the way”

Eventually, Mikey walks down and shoves the phone at Michael, telling him to read the messages. He glances at them then says it doesn’t matter. Ivan says the evidence is mounting up – the texts, the clothes, the door closing in the morning, and… some more messages where Stacey hit Mikey up for round two, Mikey declined politely, and Stacey called him a pussy.

WHAHTHWAHT?

I have reached chumpiest chump

Michael seems to finally be getting that this isn’t a stitch up – he asks what messages, Ivan says maybe Snapchat but he’s seen them.

Everything is V E R Y  T E N S E. Stacey is sitting at the end of the table like a stunned guinea pig.

someone pass the grass clippings please

In the end she berates Michael for not speaking, and Michael’s like can we go for a chat. She says no. We leave them all tense and silent.

On Sunday everyone has to sit back on the couch and The Smunts are sitting REAAAALLY far apart, so I just don’t think things are going to be gravy for them. Oh well!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.