Welp, a whopping THREE MAFS couples upped and left during last night’s highly dramatic commitment ceremony hijinks, which you can relive through our Sunday night recap right HERE. That obviously discounts Coco and Sam, Beth and Russell and Sam and Cam from my power ranking, because they LOST. And we’re yet to meet the intruder couples arriving this week, so I’ve only got 6 couples to cast my critical eye upon.
Going in order from the bottom of the heap and how are they still even here (6) to how are they not the parents of glorious twins yet (1), let’s get stuck in:
6. Jo and James
Well these two are just a hot mess that I am struggling to figure out. They seem to really dislike one another, and when one speaks, the other grits their teeth like they are stomaching a bad patch of turbulence on a Syd > Mel flight.
James cattily responded to Jo‘s “stay… for now” card from the week before with an extremely mature “leave… NOW!” version in last night’s episode, but for some unknown reason, Jo wanted to stay? Why?!!? You seem to be just barely tolerating the man’s presence at this point. Maybe the MAFS producers didn’t have the budget to put on THREE weddings this week and bribed Jo with a $500 cash bonus to stick it out with Mr Rolex for one more week. Either way, it’s not going to last beyond that, I’ll bet my fake Rolex on it.
5. Bryce and Melissa
Again, I must calmly ask: WHY?!?!!?!!! Liss is such a kind, sweet soul who at this point clearly has self-esteem levels of 0.001 thanks to her not-very-successful dating history and her dad abandoning her family when she was a baby. I can’t understand why the experts are not screaming at her to leave this fake-bespectacled idiot while waving the biggest red flags they can cobble together with fabric from Spotlight.
Bryce is toxic. Not only did he lash out at Pig Sam last week (which is fair, but still very childish) by throwing a glass of water at him, he has little or no regard for the feelings of his wife Liss, who he seems to forget is the whole reason he is here. Infuriatingly, they both elected to “stay”, which checks out for Bryce but Liss, girl, you need to run.
4. Bec and Jake
Okay I know I am a broken fucken record but WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL HERE. Bec has hated Jake from the minute she clapped eyes on his glorious face. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it. She said something about being objectified and held it against him until last week, when she got the shits about him going out with the boys after the commitment ceremony instead of coming home and cuddling her instead. Bec, can we really blame the guy? You’re about as huggable as a komodo dragon at this point, but go off sis. Bec said she wanted to leave last night but Jake is still trying to polish the turd that is their relationship. Honey child, just give it up.
3. Belinda and Patrick
I find these two weirdoes very cute and perfect for each other on a surface level — they’re adorkable! — but watching them attempt any kind of MAFS Intimacy Challenge this week was an absolute cringe, to the levels that I wished my couch would suddenly develop jaws and swallow me whole. Sure, it’s awkward to be intimate on TV but even the trash-fire couples are a bit more cuddly than these two.
I hope they figure out their own form of affection and intimacy, which could understandably not be the televised kind, because I think they are such a great match otherwise.
2. Alana and Jason
Swinging wildly from those who are sexually awkward to this pair, the biggest root rabbits of the whole MAFS season.
I still am not placing Alana and Jason in the number one spot, because a relationship is a balance and I still think they place way too much emphasis on how much they fuck, and use that as a metric for their relationship’s success. I agree that they’ve worked a bit more on emotional connection this week, so I’ve given them the number two spot instead of number three, but a bowl of terrible pasta cooked by Jason is a shaky foundation for a lifelong love.
1. Booka and Brett
My god. I ranked these two number one last week and maybe I’m just biased, I don’t know? But they really seem to be the all-rounders. They genuinely get on and have a great connection, in the style of Belinda and Patrick, but also have sexual chemistry and physical affection, like Alana and Jason. But they have it in equal measure, which is why I reckon they’ve got the best shot at real-life love here. I need Booka and Brett to have adorable babies, asap!
For real though, Brett says he sees a real future in Booka, and she says she feels “safe” with him. Not a red flag amongst them.
In this week’s episodes, we’ll be meeting two more couples and I’m already exhausted. Come back next week to see where I rank them on this very cursed scale.