MAFS RECAP: You Can’t Psychoanalyse A Fuckwit & Other Lessons We Learned From Bryce This Week

mafs recap episode 13 2021

Hooooooo boy hello and WELCOME BACK to the place where love goes to die aka MAFS. This series has already aged me a thousand years and I assume the next hour will be the one to finish me off. Join me on my farewell tour, won’t you?

Tonight’s the second Commitment Ceremony but obviously all anyone can think or talk about was that carnival of toxic masculinity on Wednesday night. In case you’ve forgotten, the dinner party mainly consisted of Bryce and Pig Sam being enormously bitchy to each other, culminating in Bryce chucking a glass of water in Sam’s face. The whole thing was exhausting and tedious. My main takeaway was that everyone needs to be in therapy, but does anyone listen to me?

Anyway – some of the couples feel great about the commitment ceremony, in particular, the resident ~quirky couple~ Booka and Brett, and our local bonk-bunnies Jason and Alana.

you know what I love about you? the orgasms

Sweet Nimbin princess Beth and her profoundly mismatched dirtbike enthusiast Russell, on the other hand, are not feeling it.

I wonder why

Jo and James are also on the rocks, and god I hope they both decide to leave tonight because every time they’re on screen I tense up. It’s really bad for my back.

Meanwhile, the real victim of last night is Samantha, who had to cop the humiliation of literally everyone except her realising that the chemistry between her “husband” Cameron and Coco the Pilates queen was off the fucking charts. She’s pissed off that Cam wrote “stay” last week, and then proceeded to sneak around and develop his hard-on for Coco instead of working on his and Sam’s relationship.

Cam, for his part, is starting to realise that he cocked things up royally last night by not backing Coco when she was up front with Samantha about their developing mutual attraction. Yeah, you fucking thumb! He goes down to try to sort things out with Coco, who is sporting another ensemble for the history books.

“hot wife recently widowed in suspicious circumstances” but make it cosy

She’s like, Look I know you weren’t entirely on board with me telling Samantha about shit, but you could have at least had my back? He’s like, It was a bit of a curveball!

“I probably couldn’t have sank any deeper into my chair if I tried,” he says.

“Yeah, I’ve learned that that’s what you do,” she says perceptively.

He acknowledges that he should have supported her last night, says that it’s hard to concentrate while she’s wearing THAT, and then reckons he wants to make it clear where he stands, now that he and Sam have officially ended things. Where he stands is that he is absolutely fanging for a pash. Coco is nothing if not obliging.

once again, shorted out visual cortex, no idea what’s happening in this picture sorry

Cam says he just wants her to know what his feelings are, in case he’s leaving tonight. “Um… cool,” giggles Coco delightedly. “Now we know!” They make out for a bit more and I fall unconscious until the start of the next segment.

The boys and girls have been split up into little gossip pockets prior to the commitment ceremony so they can have a big debrief about what’s what and who’s staying and going. Bryce and Melissa feel like they’ve been brought closer together. Booka and Brett are obviously great. Jason and Alana, stoked on each other. Belinda and Patrick – Pat reckons they can go all the way! To what? Who cares! We love them.

The big question is obviously whether Samantha is going to want to stay. If she does, it’ll force Cameron to stay too. Likewise with Coco and Pig Sam. I will once again raise my objections to this system but again, the producers can’t hear me because of all the hundred dollar bills blocking their ears. Let’s move on to the ceremony, shall we? First up on the Couch of Judgement are Booka and Brett.

can we just have 45 minutes of these two gazing adoringly at each other?

Sexy sexologist Alessandra is stoked that Brett and Booka took a playful approach to “Intimacy Week” (remember Booka’s magnificent turn as the Russian masseuse?). These two love to laugh with each other, they have good chats, Booka feels safe with Brett and his pash-rash-inducing moustache. Brett says he sees a future with her. I’m very fragile tonight so this has brought me right to the edge of tears. They both decide to stay, obviously.

Next up is Bryce and Melissa. Liss says the week has been a rollercoaster. Intimacy Week was an opportunity for them to develop emotional connection and a sense of safety and closeness. Who cares! Expert John Aiken needs the tea spilled right the fuck now. Let’s talk about Bryce’s dummy spit!

why ARE you such a stain, Bryce?

John’s like, What’s triggered you? And Bryce reveals that yep, it all traces back to the very first time he met Pig Sam and the piglet told him he “looked really nervous”. The fragility on display here!! Like Faberge footballs, these egos, I swear to god.

je suis Booka

“I took that as here we go, ego versus ego,” says Bryce. “Trying to be the bigger ego.”

Pig Sam is rolling his eyes and smirking openly. “Me commenting on you looking nervous – like are you serious?” he says. “That’s your thing? You looked nervous – come on. I’d just met ya. I was actually nervous myself.” He snorts like the little piggy he is.

Not for long, though – here comes John in maximum dad mode.

just a black coffee thanks

“Sam, just on that buddy,” he says (omg… he “buddy”-ed him…), “just looking at you, you’re smirking, you’re smug. There were two in that argument last night.”

It is hilarious to watch Pig Sam regress at the speed of light to being thirteen years old again. “Yep,” he nods, looking at his feet.

“That behaviour last night was rude, both of you,” says John. “It lacked maturity.” God. MAFS really is high school, huh?

whatEVER, sir

Anyway John is like, Did you notice how you dragged your sweet alien wife into this conflict, Bryce? Have you considered that maybe your behaviour is affecting the wife who you profess to care so much about?

Bryce is all like, I’m trying to defend my wife from this COMPULSIVE LIAR over here, who reckons he’s seen Liss crying on the balcony all the time which HASN’T HAPPENED. Pig Sam drags Coco into things, because of course he does, and tries to get her to back him up about the whole Melissa-weeping-on-the-balcony thing.

sorry I can’t hear you I’ve all of a sudden become dead

“Yes,” Coco finally says. “I saw her crying on the balcony.”

Bryce is making it more and more obvious that he is just… not that smart. He’s like, Oh you’ve got to get your so-called “wife” to back you up about it, why aren’t you answering your own question? And Pig Sam is like, “…so that I’m not the only one that’s saying it?”


Anyway Sam the Pig insists that he has seen Liss crying a bunch of times, Bryce demands the receipts, and Melissa says that Pig Sam’s lying. Then she does the thing she always does and goes, It’s fine, don’t worry, it’s fine. Seeing this kind of self-effacing, smoothing-over behaviour is truly heartbreaking and I hate it very much.

Bryce decides to have a little dig at the experts for bringing the whole thing up, and comes dangerously close to getting murdered in Spanish.

you wanna run that by me again babe

Everyone else in the room looks as though they’d rather eat glass than have this ordeal continue, but continue it does! Bryce reckons Pig Sam’s just jealous, and then Booka pipes up to suggest that there are productive and unproductive methods of dealing with conflict, and last night was probably an example of the latter. Have you considered, for example, addressing the behaviour rather than insulting the person? Bryce obviously won’t hear a bar of it. I long for the sweet kiss of death.

my last three brain cells watching this trainwreck

John presses them both about Bryce’s obvious anger issues.

“If you’re out on the town, the two of you, and someone says something about your wife, are you going to respond like that every time?” he asks Bryce. “Because how are you going to feel about that?” he says to Liss. “Going out with your man, who’s ready to basically go at that level and with that hostility at anyone who comes at you?”

“I was worried for him,” she says.

“But what about for you?” says John.

It takes several goes, but finally Liss says that seeing Bryce have a go at Sam like this is very upsetting. “Because it’s about them. It’s not about us. This whole thing has been about the two boys. It’s just been blown out of proportion.”

John tells Bryce, “It’s clear – and I need you to hear this – that it’s affecting your relationship.”

And Bryce very confidently says (I simply cannot believe I have to type this with my own mortal fingers): “In a positive way.”

petition to replace the Bugs Bunny “no” meme with this image

Not in a positive way, Bryce, no. This dummy really needs to have this shit spelled out for him, and John is trying his best to explain to him that regardless of what Melissa has said to try to keep the peace in the relationship, she’s very clearly unhappy with how things are going.

the very picture of joy

Bryce reckons that it wouldn’t happen “out in the real world”, and John literally calls BS. “I just don’t buy it. We’ve seen an aggressive, hostile reaction, and you’re saying it wouldn’t happen again. That’s why we’re holding you accountable.”

Ugh this storyline has officially gone on too long. Watching the experts try to counsel Bryce is like watching them try to group-fuck a brick: doesn’t matter what angle they try it from, everyone just ends up chafed and angry, and the brick is still a fucking brick.

Bryce is all like, “I don’t regret what I did,” and John Aiken basically tells him that if he doesn’t regret anything about his behaviour, then he’s a fucking moron. That is correct! Does the moron choose to stay or go? Obviously he wants to stay, and obviously he has a little tantrum and chucks his MAFS chequebook thing onto the coffee table.

umm ahh

Liss wants to stay too. I hate it. She deserves so much more, and something terrible has gone wrong in her life to make her believe otherwise. “We were going so well, and people just don’t see it,” she says to the camera. Sure babe, that’s what’s really going on. It’s everyone else who’s wrong.

Thank Christ, it’s Jason and Alana on the couch now. I need that breath of freshly horny air. They discovered a new kind of intimacy during the week, and are stronger than ever. They both want to stay. God speed you sexy dummies!

Bec and Jake are up next, and I yawn through their recollection of their stupid boring fake dumb conflict (remember, Jake went out with Da Boiz instead of comforting Bec after last week’s commitment ceremony and she got mad and moved out for a bit). They had a couple of nice moments with the eye-gazing and stuff, but god, I need MAFS to stop forcing these two incompatible hotties to remain in each other’s company. Bec wants desperately to return to her ice kingdom, and Jake has just been offered a lucrative position as my new office chair.

don’t be scared sweetie you’re gonna do great

Bec wants to leave, but Jake wants to stay. That means they both remain trapped in their bespoke interpersonal nightmare for at least another week. Thoughts and prayers to them both.

It’s Jo and James now, and the sooner these two are off my screen the better. I wish I could put my finger on what about them, exactly, makes me feel like I’m about to have a fatal anxiety attack. Dangerous territory, best not to dwell on it.

we’re getting a divorce and it’s your fault

I guess I won’t have to suffer for too much longer though? James wastes no time in cutting to the chase: “I have to tell you something. I’m in love with another woman.” BRUH. THE DRAMA. I CAN’T. Jo is absolutely taken by surprise.

“Can I tell you who it is?” says James. Why? WHY.

“Is it someone in the experiment?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it’s Alessandra.”

how droll

Alessandra is magnificent in response. “I don’t get the joke,” she says, as James kisses her hand. “I think it’s incredibly disrespectful to Joanne, sitting next to you.”

bitch u thought

“I was just trying to lighten the mood,” says James. “I was only joking.”

“It’s not a good joke,” says Alessandra. It certainly was not. James scrambles to reclaim some credibility. They’re still finding it difficult to connect. Walls are up. Basically James is still stung by that whole “Stay (for now)” thing that Jo did. I can’t imagine Jo feeling any more positive after that little stunt!

What’s the decision? James wants to leave, and he wants to do it in the bitchiest way possible.

oh real mature

Jo didn’t want to give up that easily. She wants to stay – or at least she did, prior to this whole couch debacle. They both agree to be more vulnerable and bring their walls down, to which I say fat fucken chance. They go and have an uncomfortably familiar argument in front of the camera and I have to take a brisk walk to the beer fridge to prevent myself revisiting childhood trauma with disastrous outcomes.

Patrick and Belinda bound up to the couch. Things are going really well with them, except on the physical intimacy side. Alessandra grills them on the kinds of kisses they’ve been sharing. Stop making these nerds talk about whether they’re using tongues!

if I were in my true form, I’d be nothing BUT tongue

Patrick has developed real feelings for Belinda. They both decide to stay. It’s very sweet and I want nothing more than to spirit them away from this sordid pit of a TV show and back to Belinda’s underwater realm where they can progress at their own pace and enjoy being waited on by leafy sea dragons.

It’s Beth and Russell next, and I have strong suspicions that they’re both going to be bailing. At least we don’t have to watch anyone deal with unrequited love – they’re both 100% just mates. Russell thinks Beth is awesome, she thinks he’s a “very unique individual”, but there’s nothing more there for them. John reckons they shut each other out, and I reckon he’s full of it.

Yep, they’re both leaving. “I want you to find your steak-loving, motocross-loving, camping-loving wife,” says Beth. “She’s out there.” They do a fist bump. My soul leaps for them, it really does. Go, my beautiful mismatched birds; fly, fly free!

namaste, cobber

Now it’s Coco and Pig Sam heading up to the Couch of Eternal Toment. How’s the week been? There were apologies, there was Pilates in the park, they became friendly. Great work! Then Coco does a textbook Freudian slip and says, “I think this is why I struggled so much with Cam – I mean, Sam…”

hand me my glass, a wine-tossing mood has suddenly come upon me

Whatever, who cares about Pig Sam – what’s the deal with Coco and Cam? Coco gives an interestingly edited version of events: she says that people at the dinner party were talking about how well she and Cam would go together, so she thought the right thing to do would be to go to Samantha, “woman to woman”, and tell her that that’s what people were saying. Not that that’s what was actually going on. Hmm. What about when she and Cam caught up for that fun little bitch sesh about Pig Sam?

“I went to him to try to make it work with Sam,” says Coco. “Because they know each other outside of the experiment. I went to Cam to say, Is Sam like this outside of the experiment?”

Pig Sam was not aware of this. Pig Sam’s feelings are clearly a little bruised. Pig Sam is happy to do a little retaliatory squealing, and says that he was actually totally fine with Cam texting Coco because at that point Coco was really like a single girl, and it’s Cam who’s the dog for texting Coco behind Samantha’s back while he was married – but that’s really none of Pig Sam’s business :).

y i k e

Mel asks Samantha if she was aware of this conversation going on, and we get the absolute treat of seeing Sam deliver one of the magnificent wounded speeches that I have come to know and love her for during the MAFS season so far. Seriously, this woman speaks in full and devastating sentences. Do you know how rare that is? Anyway:

“I think my reaction last night showed that I was unaware of even the whispering behind my back. It was just really hurtful. 100% this was a surprise to me.”

“How did it feel when Coco came to you last night to have this conversation?” asks Mel.

“I mean it showed that she’s a bigger person than Cam, that’s for sure,” she says. “This man has been a monumental waste of my time, and I can’t wait to run out of that door and go home. That’s how I feel. Cam – he has done the opposite to every single word he has said. He said to me he’s got very high values and morals. His actions have not added up to what he’s said.”

look at me when I’m melting you

Cam and Coco both protest that they were just getting along well, but Samantha raises the extremely good point that it was Cam who chose to stay last week. “You said stay. I had to stay because of you. I said leave. You made me stay on your terms so that you can bloody muck around.” Phew. I need a cigarette.

“And Coco,” she adds, “honestly, good luck. You’ll need it, girlfriend.”

Mel is like, Okay Coco can you like… fill us in on the whole you and Cam situation please? Is there any reason people would be saying you’re a thing?

“…no,” says Coco.

shit have those cameras been here the whole time

She stammers some shit about how there’s been no hand-holding or flirtation or what have you, which was semi-true until literally right before this whole situation when they MADE OUT IN COCO’S APARTMENT, REMEMBER? Apparently she does not remember: “We haven’t hooked up,” she says. Babe!!! You were doing so well!!!

Samantha reckons cheating isn’t just physical. “You guys have had a connection and I was the last to find out,” she says to Cam. “Last night, your actions were disgraceful towards me. I’m fine with you and Coco, I’m not fine with it going on behind my back.”

Alessandra points out that when Sam left the room at the dinner party, no-one went after her to see if he was okay – including Cam, who reckons he’s Mr High Morals Oi Respect Moi Woife. A very salient observation, Alessandra!

aren’t thumbs supposed to be useful

Coco says she’s sorry if Sam didn’t feel like Coco was there for her, and she asks Sam, “Do you think that I went about it the wrong way last night?” Transparency: not just a good look for skin-tight rhinestone-studded unitards!

“Coco,” says Samantha, “I think you’re a bigger person than my husband here, that actually came to me and told me what was going on. But I wish I knew this before I had to hug this guy and before I had to stare into his eyes for five minutes.” Fair cop.

Coco spends the next several hours protesting too much. “There’s been no rooting or anything,” she says, like a normal person would. Again Alessandra is the voice of reason, saying that it doesn’t have to be physical to be betrayal, and that Samantha feels betrayed by everyone for talking behind her back.

Surely we’ve spent enough time beating this unitard-clad horse? What are their decisions??? God, I forgot Pig Sam was even on the couch.

They both decide to leave. Free at last!!!

*wistful oinking*

Now we all have to survive the final segment, in which I can only assume Samantha will actually begin to flay the flesh off Cam’s bones with nothing but a bobby pin and her highly-developed sense of injustice.

Sam says she did all the intimacy week exercises in good faith. She came here for somebody real, for a man, and she came in with a lot of hope. “I’ve really given it my all,” she says. “I’ve given this everything.”

I am hanging on her every word. This woman has an impeccable sense of theatre. It’s completely natural and I love it. Get her on a soap opera, I say.

Alessandra delivers Cam the most understated burn I’ve heard on MAFS to date: “I would suggest that moving forward, you try to have some congruence between the agreements that you come to and your actual actions.”

this is what it sounds like when thumbs cry

Shocking no-one (but probably to the deep dismay of the producers), they both decide to leave. That’s three sets of lab rats released from the maze! I’m so happy for them all!!!

It feels like this episode has been going for about twelve hours and I have nothing more to say on it. Just as I predicted, it has finished me off; I have crumbled into dust. Thank you for wasting my final hours on earth with me in the company of this hell show and all its demonic participants. I’ll be back tomorrow, presumably speaking through some kind of spirit glass or animal vessel.

Wait sorry, tomorrow there are more weddings?! Lucky I’m already dead or this news would kill me. See you then!!!