Hold on to your mid-week wines, my fellow goblins, ‘cos it’s the second MAFS dinner party and if the previews are anything to go by it’s gonna be a DOOZY. Let’s get gawking!
Everyone’s getting dolled up for dinner party number two, and Russ has busted out his formal toe-socks.
all the better to bike that dirt
Everyone’s got something out of intimacy week: Belinda and Patrick have gained an extra level of physical closeness, and Booka‘s got pash rash. Poor sweet blissfully ignorant Samantha is excited about walking into the dinner party with her husband for once. “And this time, we don’t have any drama!” she chirrups, while Cameron puts on his Bad Cheating Villain outfit.
babe have you seen my cufflinks? they’re shaped like skulls
In case you’ve forgotten, Cam caught up with Coco last night for an insanely horny staring competition that resulted in exactly zero clandestine kisses but a whole lot of FEELINGS. Coco pulled a tarot card that suggested Cam was her happily ever after, and I had to take a cold shower. Fortunately this week I’m already drunk so there’s a buffer to the inevitable second-hand sexual tension about to pour off the TV screen! Try to make THIS shiraz-sodden lump feel a stirring in her loins!
Cam really likes Coco but he’s married to Samantha and he takes that seriously and doesn’t want to hurt her. Coco really likes Cam, and while she couldn’t give less of a shit about her “husband” Pig Sam, she doesn’t want to hurt Samantha either. She’s decided to resolve this tension by putting on a skin-tight, see-through, rhinestone-covered bodysuit.
understatement is key
In my opinion if you have a body like Coco’s it should be a legal requirement that you wear a skin-tight see-through rhinestone-covered bodysuit at least once per week. Do your civic duty, hardbodies!!!
Pig Sam comes to pick her up from her Pilates palace, and accurately observes that “the marriage is over, and has been for some time.” She’s not trying to look good for him, but that’s okay – he’s happy that they’re becoming friends.
Meanwhile, Bryce is busy plotting some dickhead-on-dickhead violence. At the commitment ceremony last week, Bryce got a real bee in his bonnet about how Pig Sam treated Coco, and called him out for being a dickhead. Bryce is allowed to do this, see, because Bryce is a dickhead but an enlightened dickhead, who also loves to judge dickheadery in others.
“If he’s going to disrespect women, hey, look what’s coming your way,” he tells the camera, which causes me to roll my eyes so hard they fall out of my head.
It also turns out that the real reason Bryce is in a shit with Pig Sam is because he’s been holding a grudge about their first ever interaction at the buck’s party, when Pig Sam told Bryce, “You’re pretty nervous aren’t ya!” For God’s sake, and Western culture would have you think it’s women who are petty bitches.
babe have you seen my burn book
Bryce reckons he’s feeling a buzz as though it were a “grand final day”, and that he was “born ready for this”, and that it’s “not even going to be a challenge” for him. I feel like I’m listening to a Linkin Park song that didn’t make the cut. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? What new eddy of toxic masculinity are you exploring here, in this completely divorced-from-reality maelstrom of your own making? GET a GRIP.
“There’s a storm brewing,” he says. “It’s gonna drop at some point. I’ll be there to catch the rain and start spitting out drops and they’ll be going Sam’s way.” I’ve just lost about a hundred IQ points from having to type that out, so I hope everyone’s happy. Superhero movies and their fucking hyper-masc monologues have a LOT to answer for.
The “experts” are locked in their own supervillain fortress and ready to pass judgement on the hapless lab rats trying to chew their way out of the experiment’s diabolical maze. They approve wholeheartedly of Belinda and Patrick. Everyone’s surprised at the success of these two, especially considering they were clearly cast as comic relief. Mel calls them “innocent”. Shut up, Mel!
Here come Jo and James, bringing their upsetting pass-agg energy into the Pregaming Lobby. They immediately start talking about the “intimacy week” challenges and shooting eye-daggers at each other.
ha ha that’s so funny that you are talking about the thing we said we wouldn’t talk about
Russ and Beth show up with their friendzone flag still flying high, and then it’s time for Coco and Sam the Pig to arrive. The main character of this MAFS ep is definitely Coco’s outfit. I would like to swear my fealty to it right now.
I see John feels the same way
“Who is she dressing up for?” says Alessandra. “Not Sam.” Love that woman.
Finally Cam and Samantha show up. Sam is a little taken aback by what Coco is wearing, but then again, as she says, “I don’t know what’s going on with fashion these days, ‘cos my husband’s wearing a turtleneck.”
I know what I like and it’s hi-vis, ok
Coco happens to like the turtleneck, thank you very much. Meanwhile Cameron appears to have been rendered incoherent by Coco’s bedazzled get-up. “Phwoar,” he says. “She’s looking alright isn’t she?” Yes, my friend. She looks extremely fucking good.
bounce a coin off it, I dare ya
Meanwhile Pat is doing his best to head off any gronk-on-gronk conflict tonight by letting Pig Sam know that Bryce has it in for him. This has the opposite effect, obviously, which Pat would know had he ever met, seen footage of or read about other human beings. As far as I can tell, though, before he came on MAFS Pat spent the first 27 years of his life sitting in a room eating Jatz, so we won’t hold it against him.
“I had a beer with Bryce the other day, and he’s like gonna come at you really hard tonight,” he tells Sam the Pig. Great idea, Patrick! Sam the Pig is all like, “I’m not afraid of confrontation. You’ve gotta be ready for it. And a little weasel like Bryce is a walk in the park.”
It’s pig vs. weasel, folks! Pig! Vs! Weasel!!!!
do pigs… EAT weasels?
Here come Bryce and Melissa. Bryce is already being a big bitch and ignoring Pig Sam. MAFS is really trying to up the tension but they have seriously overestimated how much I give a shit about macho posturing, a feeling that I’m 90% sure is shared by most viewers of this show. Literally who cares about two blokes with small man syndrome sizing each other up like Aldi-brand Avengers. If I wanted to see a couple of white guys explore the psychosexual implications of masculine rivalry I’d watch the ‘Genghis Khan’ video again. Actually I’m going to do that right now, great idea me.
Pig Sam cracks first. “So Bryce,” he snorts from across the room. “I’ve heard you got a problem.”
“I have a problem?” says the weasel.
“Yeah. Address it, please.”
Ugh I was not prepared to be on the side of the Pig in this conflict. Bryce is like, “Why don’t we do it inside, ‘cos I could be here for fucken hours,” and Pig Sam goes, “You don’t need to swear.” It’s such a smarmy little power move but I like it. I’m sorry!!!!
Jo and Bec are both like, Bryce, babe, what’s your deal? And Bryce goes on a tear about how Pig Sam doesn’t respect women. Pig Sam is like, Oh you know everything about everything huh? and says that Bryce was out of line when he ripped into Pig Sam during the commitment ceremony. Then Bryce turns around and goes, “Hey Coco, how did you feel?”
Bec, impeccable Ice Queen of our hearts, is like, “Wow, Bryce, I love how you bring everyone into it. Fight your own fight, darling.”
melt him, your majesty
Then Bryce tries to get a show of hands of who agrees with him, which is deeply embarrassing, and Pig Sam’s like, Do you want everyone in Australia to agree with you? Bryce goes, “I hope every fucken person in Australia hates your guts,” which is even more embarrassing.
same, same and same
Yadda yadda Pig Sam is like, I’ve apologised to Coco and our shit is between us (which is fair) and then decides to rip on Bryce for saying that Melissa was unattractive after he slept with her. The disregard for anyone else’s feelings in this dick-measuring contest is really difficult for me to cop, actually. Both of these barnyard animals are happy to have their wives suffer the casualties of their inexpert shit-flinging and it points to a broader trend of men throwing their partners under the bus whenever the opportunity arises. Do better, men!
Bryce is very confidently like, Yeah, let’s clarify this – hey Liss, did I put you fourth in the hot-to-not exercise? And she’s like, Mmhmm, while staring at the floor. In the supervillain fortress, Mel accurately points out how upset Melissa looks. Don’t trample on my sweet alien empress, you vile fucken beasts!
Cameron has jumped in to try to call for civility, which is a huge mistake because Pig Sam is a man with neither civility nor a moral compass and he straight up is like, I wouldn’t get so comfy on that high horse, Mr Turtleneck, because I’ve got some DIRT on YOU.
what’s that now
Bryce is like, “What are you smirking at?” And Sam goes, “You, mate.” I’m having trauma flashbacks to being in the uni bar with my dickhead ex-boyfriend, watching him doing this exact same thing. What is this sickness that afflicts so many Australian hetero men? Everyone go to therapy RIGHT NOW.
Oh thank god, the handsomest man in the room (the waiter) has come to tap the glass summoning them to dinner.
listen up fives, a ten is speaking
Meanwhile, everyone is going full MAFS-style Statler and Waldorf about the pig on weasel action. Bec is like “Bryce brought a knife to a schoolyard fight,” which I find an apt description of the scenario. Bryce is trying to get Melissa on side about Pig Sam being “a flog”, and she is making this face:
sounds fake but go off sis
The dinner party remains tense as hell. Bryce is kicking off to Jo about how he was brought up with morals and to respect women, to which I say:
Across the table, Bec is having a royal visit to the pig pen. She doesn’t understand why Bryce needs to get everyone on his side. That’s because you’ve got an army of undead ice warriors to do your bidding, sweetie!
why does Bryce not simply command his ice dragon to obliterate you where you stand?
The experts correctly observe that Pig Sam is loving this whole scenario, whereas Bryce is clearly on the back foot. What is that saying about wrestling a pig? Something about both getting dirty, but the grotty little piglet loving every second of it?
Cam and Coco are making eyes at each other from opposite ends of the table. Now HERE’S some drama I can get behind. Coco is doing some Pride & Prejudice-level repressed smouldering and Cam is absolutely helpless against it.
Mr Darcy, I must object to these unseemly glances
Oh god, someone’s asking Samantha if intimacy week went well, and she is blithely responding that yes! It went great! She found so much softness in Cam’s eyes! Arrghh, don’t!! Leave our hardworking, love-deserving single mother alone! Too late, Cam has got up and joined Sexy Lizzie Bennett down the other end of the table.
you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love your see-through unitard
Cam is looking constipated and Brett’s moustache commands that he spill the goss. “I just think I’d be better suited with someone else,” he finally reveals. How many beers has our favourite thumb imbibed already? Patrick has a moment of clarity, and says, “Who’s that? The woman next me?” It’s Coco. He is correct.
Poor Coco and Cam are surrounded by shoulder devils. Everyone’s all like, You should just go for it! You should go chat with him! Do it! Do it!
imagine if you just like kissed him right now that’d be so crazy hahaha
Booka and Brett have this adorable to-camera moment where she’s like, We’ve heard rumours that Coco and Cam have been getting friendly, but apparently nothing’s happened, and then Brett leans in conspiratorially to the producers behind the camera and goes, “Has anything happened?”
how the turn tables
Everyone can pick up on the chemistry between Cam and Coco. Jo tells Coco that Cam lights up when she’s around. Coco’s like, “It’s not the right thing to do.” In their lair, the experts are like, “What about Samantha?!” WHAT INDEED. Jo, who’s channelling pure chaotic energy, is like, “You don’t want to miss out on an opportunity!” Fucken hell, Jo, take it down a notch.
Coco doesn’t want to hurt Samantha, but she’s so hot for Cam that she’s clearly not thinking straight. She decides that talking to Samantha – trying to GET HER BLESSING – is a great idea. Coco!!! Has a rhinestone got sucked up your nose and lodged itself in your frontal lobe?!
Jesus God, she’s just out and said it: “I just want you to know that people are saying that Cam and I appear on the surface that we would be good together,” she says to Samantha. “Nothing’s happened between Cam and I. It’s more just because we are very similar people, that I think that people are saying…” She pauses. “From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry.”
What the fuck it’s happening again – MAFS has me so well trained that I find it almost impossible to believe, but Samantha is actually… kind of cool with this?
“There’s nothing there between Cam and I,” she says. “And I, honestly – I’m giving you my blessing. I just need to go to the bathroom.”
yes I’m sure you’ll be very happy together IN HELL
Out in the wasteland of the MAFS backstage, Sam goes for an angry little walk. Beth appears out of nowhere to give her one of her patented kooky aunt hugs.
I’ve got a joint in my purse if you need babe
Sam feels humiliated. “The fact that it’s been going on behind my back, the fact that he said stay and he’s wasted a week of my time has made me angry,” she says. So she’s just mad at Cam, not Coco – I’m happy with that! Refreshing to place the blame on the bloke rather than the other woman for once.
Poor Samantha, though – her last relationship broke up because the father of her children cheated on her for five years. She reckons it’s just something that happens to her now. My heart breaks for our favourite single mum. Can we pair her up with Russ? I feel like she’d look great on the back of a dirtbike!
Back in the dining room, Cam’s got his jimmies rustled because all of that went down without his consultation or consent. I feel like that’s fair enough? What happened, Coco?
“Everyone’s saying that Cam and I would be good together, and so I just sat down next to Sam and said like, I need you to know that people are talking about this. She was an amazing beautiful human, she said, you know, You two are very similar. Props to her.”
I simply did exactly what I felt like when I felt like doing it, what’s the big deal
Cam is like, I didn’t have any say in this, it’s come out of left field! And I cannot help but ask – how long was he planning to avoid this confrontation, exactly? Oh look, here comes Pig Sam again with some inflammatory squealing:
“Let’s not call it too candid, I did see something come up the other day. And now that it’s out, I’m okay with it, I mean why would I not be. But I saw that you had messaged Coco, her phone was in my hand.”
Omg Cam immediately turns it back on Pig Sam and is like, Mate she was just messaging me because you’re such a dickhead and I knew you from before the experiment. Where do they find these power bitches disguised as musclebound bros!
“I’m in a hard position cos obviously Coco and I do get along well, and it hasn’t gone so well with Sam and I. But has anything happened? No,” says Cam. “Nothing has happened between Coco and I and that’s the way it’s going to stay.” This is… the wrong thing to say.
Coco is quietly devvoed. James is like, Is Pig Sam cool with all this? Pig Sam will have you all know that he is an enlightened little swine, and they have amicable separated and become friendly!
From the other end of the table, a little weasel goes “pop”: it’s Bryce, clearly peeved that the attention has drifted off of his manly tantrum. “Why’d you write ‘stay’ then,” he pipes, and everyone laughs. Suck shit, Bryce.
Pig Sam takes this tasty opportunity to rip on Bryce for being a bad husband. “Every time I walk out of my room I see Melissa crying,” he says. Once again: leave Liss out of this!! Coco tries to shut it down, but it doesn’t work because Pig Sam is a stubborn little grunter whose favourite place to be is right here, in the shit.
Bryce is like, You’re a liar, when have you seen her crying? Pig Sam goes, “Quite a few times,” while Liss denies it all in the background. No use, Liss, you’re a chick and the blokes are having a slap-fight so you’ve become invisible.
my cloaking device must be malfunctioning
Oh goooood I’m so bored. Pig Sam insults Bryce for a bit, ragging on his big nose and lack of sense of humour (pot, kettle…), the rest of the boys gather round to try to break things up and – oh, oh, it’s happening! Here comes the traditional MAFS wine throwing!!!
Poor Patrick copped most of the drink. I wish it was actually wine but instead it’s boring old water. How’s anyone going to learn anything if they don’t have to spend the rest of the night reeking of cheap chardonnay?
The experts are musing over Bryce’s self-centredness – he’s so focused on his own position in this whole thing, he appears to have forgotten how uncomfortable he’s made things for his beautiful alien bride.
I roused myself from interstellar stasis for THIS?
Alessandra observes that Bryce hasn’t even asked how Liss is doing, or apologised to her. Mel’s like, “Yes, he’s being quite self-indulgent.” Quite!
Back at the table, Bryce says something about how he’d rather go back to his ex-fiancee than sit next to Pig Sam, and everyone’s like… yikes. Melissa looks deeply upset. Patrick is the only one who actually asks if Melissa is alright, while all the experts suck air through their teeth at Bryce’s insensitivity.
“I so feel for her today,” Alessandra says. Same, Alessandra. John says some boring shit about how we “haven’t seen the real Melissa tonight”, but we can’t dwell on that for too long, the other fulcrum of drama has returned: it’s Samantha, looking quietly devastated / murderous.
prison would probably be an improvement on this tbh
Patrick has decided to make an ill-advised speech in which he says he hopes they can all come together in good spirits down the line. Shut up, Patrick. Then someone asks if Sam the Pig has anything to say?
“I wish Coco and Cam all the best,” he snorts, and all my goodwill towards him has drained away like blood through the hole in the abattoir floor.
prison it is
Coco jumps in to try to clarify that nothing is actually happening between them, that she just wanted to let Samantha know that everyone else was talking about them, and Pig Sam just will not stop twisting the knife. “I honestly say that if Cam and Coco–” he starts.
“THERE’S NOTHING THERE,” roars Coco. “Leave it! Drop it! Stop insinuating that we’re rooting behind people’s backs!”
*oinking stops abruptly*
How does Cam feel about all this? “I get along with a lot of people,” he says cagily. “Coco and I get along, there’s a lot of common interests. But I’m not in the experiment with Coco, it’s not even a thing to consider.”
What’s Samantha’s take on this? “I don’t have any comment, I really don’t,” she says. I feel terrible for her and would support her vaporising everyone involved in MAFS right now. She’s furious at Cameron.
“I’m married at the moment,” he tells everyone. “I’ve gotta be respectful to my wife.”
Samantha leans in and goes, “You don’t have to be respectful to me. You haven’t been this whole time, so you don’t have to be now.” Fucken get him, babe. He mumbles something about how he still does respect her, and she responds by going, “Do you want me to be respectful to you? Because I really will end it right now.” She drops her ring on the table. It is pitch-perfect drama. I am delighted.
give her the Oscar
Cam is like, “Okay, end it. No worries.” The experts are all like, Mate – you’re ruining things with everyone here. Samantha, Coco, they’re both going to end up thinking you’re a dickhead because you’re acting so cold to everyone, including the chick who you very nearly kissed the other night! Coco is not sure where she stands or how she feels about him right now. He didn’t stick up for her. He hasn’t got her back.
Pig Sam, who’s certainly enjoyed his time in the slop bucket tonight, slurs to Cam and Coco, “Would you guys like to continue the experiment together?”
“Is the juice worth the squeeze?” says Coco. “I think he’s been pretty clear tonight that it’s not. So like… I’m ready to call it.”
I’m frankly thrilled that the person coming off the worst out of this whole insanely dramatic episode is Cameron. Pick your game up, men of the world! We’re fucken onto you!
Anyway that’s the end of MAFS for this week and thank god ‘cos I am feeling WRUNG OUT. Everyone go call your therapist and I’ll see you Sunday for the next commitment ceremony, which if the previews are anything to go by is going to be f u c k e d. Yeehaw!