Welcome back to another Married At First Sight recap. This is your life now. Was it everything you thought it would be?
Skye Suites! We’re back to where (the opposite of) magic happens.
Horny Mum (Melissa) has been picked up by her Disney Daddy (Josh) which proves you can do anything if you really put your vagina to it.
Shannon is a deadset hooligan who cannot be allowed into any accommodation that’s not his own home. He picks up a bird ornament and says, “Chicks love me AHAHAHASHGVDGDEVG,” for example.
“Its like taking a toddler to a playground,” Caitlin says — and that girl? She is not wrong.
All the couples are noticing their wedding photos on the bedside tables. Let’s not pretend those photoshoots were anything other than a producer tactic to make the couples kiss when they really didn’t want to.
Jesse‘s still wearing his erectile beanie, which is unfortunate.
Also unfortunate?
His general attitude. “The decor will give Claire a lot to talk about,” he says.
Claire arrives and oh shit, she has made a comment about the room like any normal person would, especially when they get to live there rent-free.
It’s the polite thing to do!
She’s being an angel as usual and agrees to wipe the slate clean, every though it got very dirty at last night’s MAFS dinner party.
Bronte has rocked up with her Louis Vuitton. Can’t they give new-found influencer money to someone who doesn’t already have it? Just once? Please?
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) are on rocky ground. But he’s gotten her a cake which reminded him of her. Cute!
No! Not cute! The cake is quite clearly a boob. She is not impressed.
She chooses this tit-viewing as an opportune time to ask her hubby for a chat. He says OK, even though he very clearly doesn’t want to.
Bronte is upset that she was upset but Bunnings Daddy didn’t check on her while she was upset.
“You’ve imposed a boundary on our relationship,” he tells her. Is that an… excuse? THIS MAN.
She says he is impossible (he is).
Can he just take his clothes off, service her and go home like a normal stripper?
Bunnings Daddy said he’s going through a lot too, once again trying to shift the blame to her.
Just once can we step away from the women being crazy narrative?
She has locked herself in the bathroom which is not crazy given who she’s dealing with, but maybe a tiny bit impractical once she gets hungry.
Bunnings Daddy leaves Bronte and her third nipple alone to think about their actions.
Confessions Week has commenced! Joy. We’ll start once Ollie‘s toenails stop assaulting Tahnee.
Oh the ranking task where the participants reveal who they think is hot even though they’re with someone else! Surely Prince Eric (Duncan) is just coming first for all the girls?
Not for Tahnee. She’s got the hots for Disney Daddy whose name is Josh and most definitely not John. “Its giving sugar daddy vibes,” Tahnee explains and at least now we know her priorities. In fact, her entire top three (except Cam) are dads. Interesting.
And then she puts Ollie as number one. He might not be a dad but he does give Pete Davidson vibes and we all know what that means.
Ollie is choosing based off who he would hit up in “da clerb”. Like, the club, I assume. He actually said that. I stopped going to the club well before his ripe age of 26 but power to him. Sounds like the bloke can bender.
He chooses Claire as number one because he does not have shit for brains. Then his “Thai princess”! (Tahnee.) He tells her that when he saw her walk down the aisle, he thought “yeah boi”.
Sometimes I think I hate dating in my thirties. Then I watch these two.
Dan reckons anyone who is not choosing their partner as the one they’re most attracted to “has a lot of work to do” and thats easy to say when you’re married to the most beautiful person in the world, isn’t it, Dan?
Shannon reckons he learned how to be honest without being a turd about it from last season of MAFS. Great! Learning! Let’s see him put his tact to good use.
He puts Melinda as the one he’s most attracted to because it would impress his mates if he picked her up. Same thing for Claire! What a trophy! Not going great so far.
Shannon puts Caitlin in between Melinda and Claire and then moves her down between whoever’s positioned three and four? After thinking harder about it? I’m confused.
OH NO HE DIDNT.
“I haven’t seen these girls without makeup on, and I’ve seen you without makeup on,” he tells Caitlin.
Soooo…. he decided to move her down the pecking order because he’s seen her without makeup on? Or he is congratulating her for being so high up even though he’s seen her without makeup on? Either interpretation is fucked. What a beautiful lesson women around Australia are learning right now. This is sarcasm.
“You have the potential to be put over here,” he continues, pointing in between the first two places.
“You also have the potential just to level up,” he adds.
WHAT WHAT WHAT. Level… up?
I truly don’t understand what he is saying. I’m hoping that he just means that the more he gets to know Caitlin, the more attracted to her he’ll be. But given what he’s already said, I highly doubt that.
He thinks the situation feels “pressureful” which is not a word.
Why is there a divide between the top four and the rest? Are these women’s Instagrams not good to show your mates after you’ve added notches to your belt?
“Their natural beauty shines more than yours,” he tells her and what a slap in the fucking face. Is she going to give him a lesson in beauty injectables or should I?
OK now he’s saying he eats with his eyes and I’m just really confused. He says he has to “push through” with Caitlin because there are more attractive girls in the experience. I have three thoughts:
- What is happening
- What a dog
- I hate this
Enough of those disgusting areas for now. We’re over at the experiment’s most boring couple thanks to their general normality. Alyssa is reading out a confession letter to Prince Eric and is about to admit something she’s very nervous of.
What is it? She was “the other woman” in a relationship where she knew the man was married.
Prince Eric, like me, is shocked. He was cheated on and says he was a shell of a human when it happened to him, so obviously this hits home.
She reckons she would never do that again. He is very silent, likely playing “once a cheater, always a cheater” over and over in his head.
Alyssa feels judged. I’d go as far as to say every woman has been with a married man, they just didn’t know at the time. Bahah sorry I don’t make the tools rules.
Prince Eric says he can understand stuffing up while out and about, but this is different.
“That’s not a mistake right? That’s a choice. That’s extremely poor behaviour,” he tells her. I love it when Prince Eric proves he is more than just a jawline.
She tells him it went for six months and that the man said “his marriage was circumstantial” — whatever the hell that means!
He says everyone makes mistakes and it doesn’t change how he feels about her in any way. Lies.
He says he feels closer to her because she told him something she didn’t have to. Lies!
He’s at peace about it. Lies!!
He says he knows her deep down. LIES!!!
He thinks she’s a genuine person. TBC.
Sandy and Dan’s turn for the letter.
Sandy tells Dan about the bullying and racism she faced in primary school — like a boy telling her she stinks (referring to her mum’s cooking) — and how it sticks with her to this day.
Dan asks how he can support her. She says he’s been good but she wanted to share.
Sandy wants people to realise how long a comment can affect you. For the rest of your life. If there are any shits or parents of shits reading this right now, take notes.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy have to do the ranking task and this is going to be carnage. She chooses Prince Eric first in a move that surprises precisely no one, followed by her husband, which surprises anyone who has spoken two words to the bloke.
She says their love languages are different. His are boob cupcakes, hers are admitting when something is wrong.
She tells him a tit cupcake is not an apology but Bunnings Daddy immediately controls the conversation to be about how Bronte’s hurt him again.
When how where when how?
“This attitude that you’re displaying is very disrespectful,” he tells her (like the daddy he is).
“It’s very unattractive,” he warns her.
Oh EAD bruh. You like your women nice and passive, don’t you? DON’T YOU. He reckons Bronte has abandoned him even though she is sitting in front of him.
She explains some things trigger her. What does he say?
“So it’s not an issue with the way WE communicate, it’s an issue with the way YOU communicate?” he patronises her. Lovely!
This bloke just keeps lowering the bar for men, doesn’t he?
In other suites, Cam admits to a “wild lifestyle” and I wonder if it rhymes with jokaine, while Layton and Melinda admit they struggle to commit to things that aren’t working overtime.
Meanwhile, Jesse’s beanie is gradually reaching the ceiling as he confesses his sins.
He promises Claire that his confession will shed light on why he doesn’t “chase chicks”. Am I ready to be be dragged down an empathy hole with him again?
Claire is the fake therapist on How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. TELL ME I’M WRONG.
He says he has never been in a healthy relationship and is crying, explaining that the last one did a number on him.
He was kept a secret for two years!!! He never met their friends or family and they never went out.
“One measure of love is how much you tolerate. How much you endure forgive and allow,” he tells Claire, explaining that he really loved her. This was seven years ago.
“My heart,” says Claire (to the camera) She is such an angel and is so so so supportive.
Jesse says the icks are a “screening thing”?
She says her favourite side of him is his soft side. She explains it makes her like him because she can understand him.
He is realising she is the fucking best. I hope he continues to realise.
“I can objectively see that Claire is a well-meaning person,” he says.
YES SHE IS.
Now they’re playing indoor footy which I’m sure Skye Suites would hate and WOULD U LOOK AT THAT CHEST TATT.
OH YEP THERE goes the lamp and that was inevitable wasn’t it, children.
Ollie is a king because he whips out the 1D book for bedtime stories.
Caitlin heard Shannon taking a phone call, after which he came inside crying.
He was on the phone to his ex! Did I or DID I NOT say that 12 months is not long enough to be emotionally ready to marry someone else?
Caitlin checks how he is feeling and based off his face, not good hey. He is rattled.
He explains it was a toxic relationship and by coming into this experience, he wanted to break the cycle. Then he breaks down saying he cant break the cycle and…. THAT HE STILL LOVES HER.
He tells Caitlin she is a saint (duh) and he respects her (even without makeup, sir?), but feels like he’s leading them both on.
She’s really upset and FAIR. Liking someone who is not emotionally available is balls. And they’re everywhere! Especially in Sydney.
“I was just hoping this time maybe I’d be with someone who could love me,” Caitlin cries to camera. “But no. Im not surprised.”
Fuck it, I too am crying. Maybe next time the producers can pick a blue-eye battler who has been single longer than a day (in long-term relationship years?). And if his comments about “natural beauty” and makeup weren’t enough to have Caitlin walking away, this sure is the nail in the coffin, isn’t it.
He might not be as overt with his questionable behaviour as say, Jesse and Bunnings Daddy, but his actions can do just as much emotional damage.
See you for the next MAFS recap where more chest tatts and unaccompanied baggage will be revealed.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here. You can also listen to our podcast, We’ve Done The MAFS, below:
