I preface this article by asserting, very clearly, that I – a 32-year-old straight man of sound mind and body – specifically pushed for this story to be covered, and that I am getting paid to write it, am not typing these words under any external duress, and have no regrets about the career choices I have made that have brought me to this point.
With that said, Ariana Grande almost definitely just confirmed that Pete Davidson has an almighty dong.
The two young lovebirds have hit the fast forward button on relationship phases, going from newly dating to moved in together to engaged to matching tatties in virtually less time than it takes to sneeze.
Davidson went on The Tonight Show yesterday and called himself “one lucky motherfucker,” but lord apparently that’s a stroke of luck that goes both ways.
On her extremely active Twitter account earlier today, Grande responded to a fan asking about her recently shared interlude track Pete. In the process, she revealed something else entirely.
ARIANA GRANDE ARE YOU OKAY pic.twitter.com/an11M7VIqJ
— r̶e̶e̶n̶a̶. (@KlNGTAEYEON) June 22, 2018
Being of sound journalistic ability, I delved deeper, uncovering more evidence to support the theory that Pete Davidson has a phat hog.
STOP STOP STOP pic.twitter.com/wlBCiDGR9C
— Geography stan (@agb_galaxy) June 19, 2018
Well, look. That would certainly explain the deep voice.
Amongst the Ariana stanning faithful on Twitter, the subject of Pete Davidson’s unfathomable schlong is something of a common recurring theme, as it turns out.
I know pete davidson’s dick is ridiculous pic.twitter.com/fnSlwqbAlX
— ♡jenn♡ (@jennflowerz) June 15, 2018
I knew Pete Davidson had a big dick. I just *knew* it. The first time I saw him on SNL, I just knew he was one of those goofy rail-thin "white" boys with dick for days. https://t.co/rcQ0hlStDk
— Crystal Methanny (@RafiDAngelo) June 19, 2018
I know Pete Davidson slings great dick I KNOW it I feel it in my SPIRIT
— Jordan Blok (@jordaanblok) June 13, 2018
i been knew pete davidson got that pipe but seeing how fast him and ariana are moving only confirms that. she had to trap that dick
— starr (@gideonsvid) June 18, 2018
Just found out that Pete Davidson’s dick is the size of foot how’s your day going
— A.H (@amirahlucker) June 20, 2018
Pete Davidson's dick must be fucking flames and you know what. I support that @ArianaGrande
— Rap Game Ina Garten (@KaraBTweets) June 11, 2018
pete davidson 100% has a huge dick, ariana is getting that pipe we stan
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) May 30, 2018
You heard it here first, friends. Dick for days on that boy.
Dick. For. Days.Image: AAP