Welcome back to another opportunity to get these animals off our screens.
As we gear up for tonight’s Couch of Ouch, Baby Seal has been brushing up on his geography knowledge. He tells @badgalella that Queensland is further from Victoria than Queensland is from New South Wales. She agrees and decides that she will move to Queensland.
Matt and his new wife Kate – who is just stoked to be here – are celebrating one whole week of being in a loveless marriage.
Kate is still lacking any sexual desire towards Matt. He is a man who jokes about not needing sugar in his tea because he’s sweet enough already. I too struggle to get hard over such behaviour.
Meanwhile, Jess appears to still hate Daniel and doesn’t think he supported her at the dinner party where she basically called him a little bitch all over again.
He offers her a hug and she tolerates it.
Selina and Cody are having a conversation and it is not going well. Cody admits he’s shut himself off this week. She asks if there’s anything he can do, he gives her shit all in response. She can smell the end.
Mr Moneybags (Dion) is telling the boys what he likes about Diva (Carolina). Watching Daniel try and keep the smile off his face while dreaming about a little bitch-less future with Diva is stunning.
Alright, commitment ceremony time. Leave, people! Everyone except for Princess Bogan, please.
Sam and Bebe Al are up first and waste no time declaring to Alessandra that they banged. When Alessandra asks if it was good, Sam is very funny about it, as if she didn’t just tell the entire country about her sex life 10 seconds earlier.
“It was good. Go Al,” says Sam.
Dead. We all need this type of cheerleading in our sex lives.
They both choose to stay. Resting John Face whips out his teeth to tell Sam and Al to keep having sex.
Matt and Kate are up to the Couch of Ouch.
Matt talks about how lucky he is to be with Kate and thinks the sun shines out of this woman’s ass. Matt says he’s usually good at “picking up women” so the fact that Kate isn’t into him is perplexing.
Kate reckons she’s a playful person so is trying to do things that will remotely indicate this personality trait that she thinks she has.
Resting John Face points out she’s never been in a relationship and that no one’s ever been in love with her. They both choose to stay and can someone get Princess Bogan a seat?
Next, we have Selin and Regular Daddy and please, for the love of God, both of you need to leave for the sake of your sanities. They tell the MAFS experts how much they despise each other.
Regular Daddy wrote leave!
TAKE THE SHACKLES OFF YOUR FEET SO YOU CAN DANCE, DADDY.
Oh, bloody hell. Selin has written “I’m done!” because she did not understand the assignment and has run out of ways to be petty.
Bye Selin. It was so shit knowing you.
@badgalella and Baby Seal are up and they’re feeling good about their objective hotness for one another. They tell the MAFS experts that @badgalella will be moving to Queensland.
Princess Bogan has found somewhere to sit and also something to say.
“I dunno, baaaabe, I’m vibing you!”
She says she’s feeling the energy and that they’re not saying something they want to say.
Baby Seal asks Princess Bogan to spit it out. Now Sam is saying that Baby Seal is lucky to have @badgalella, which obviously, and Ballarat Paris reckons that the confidence isn’t there when @badgalella speaks.
Resting John Face thinks @badgalella is doing what she thinks she needs to do, not necessarily what she wants to.
Resting John Face asks @badgalella if she thinks she’s good enough for a hairless man who swears a lot.
She says no?
Baby Seal confirms Ella is enough and starts getting upset. He did not know that being so hot could make other people feel less hot.
Baby Seal doesn’t think he’s done anything to warrant @badgalella’s insecurity even though he enjoys swearing profusely at her over dinner. They both choose to stay and Resting John Face orders @badgalella to be herself.
Ooft there it is. Baby Seal has told the cameras he is embarrassed and wants to take a few days out of the relationship. Interesting. Find some depth and report back to us, beb.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are now up and they are happy to announce they’ve stopped calling each other cunts. They both choose to stay.
Olivia and Jackson have taken the stage to annoy everyone. They do their usual thing of telling everyone how obsessed with each other they are. As long as they keep their mouths shut in the background I will allow it.
Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are next. He is embarrassed about not flushing his shits properly.
Nice Guy liked the time apart. Princess Bogan did not. They think their communication has improved as a result. They both write stay.
Jess and Daniel are up to the Couch of Ouch and I’m feeling very excited to hear the inappropriate use of “bitch” 17,000 times.
Jess tells the experts that last night was “a lot” and she was emotional afterwards. They can’t figure out why it’s not working. He brings up the fact that Jess called him a little bitch with no balls.
Jess admits she called him a little bitch but can’t remember if she said he had balls or not. Resting John Face asks Jess why she called Daniel a little bitch.
We don’t get anywhere and honestly, Jess was hardly even schooled for the very horrible things she said.
Jess decides to leave in the earliest pin-pulling I ever did see. Princess Bogan’s eyes are about to roll out of her head and onto the floor. Meanwhile, Diva is praying for Daniel to stay so they can get to know each other all deep-like.
Daniel wrote sTay?
Resting John Face asks them to become friends before ordering them back to the group.
Mr Moneybags, who has worn a much more tolerable outfit tonight, and Diva are up to the Couch of Ouch.
They say they’re having fun but are in the friend zone. Alessandra reminds them some relationships are slow burns and things may spark if they’re patient.
Mr Moneybags chooses to stay because he did not come on a show called “Divorce At First Chance”.
A few thoughts:
- He’s clearly had that one up his sleeve for some time.
- It wasn’t worth the preparation.
- I would watch that show if it existed.
Diva is also staying.
Selina and Cody are up to the Couch of Ouch. They discuss the shit place they’re in and Cody’s uncoordinated cock regrets not hugging her when she needed it.
Alessandra brings up that he did not even comfort Selina when she was crying at the dinner party. Princess Bogan and Ballarat Paris come in to support Selina. Of course Jackson has chimed in. Jackson reckons Cody speaks highly of Selina even though his actions do not support this.
Selina has decided to leave based on Cody consistently telling her he’s given up. This is a dignity-saving move. I know it well.
Cody wrote a “shy stay”, whatever the fuck that means.
And that’s it.
I feel robbed after an explosive dinner party pointed to tonight being batshit. But at least Selin and Anthony have stopped torturing each other (and us), so I will allow it.
Tomorrow night Diva goes to comfort Daniel. Can’t wait to see that unfold.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.