Ok so we had another lukewarm episode last night, but that’s ok because Sophie Monk promised she was SHOCKING the Love Island contestants with a surprise eviction tonight. Guys sometimes we have to have boring before we can have spicy!
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So we come right back to Phoebe and Cassie having their very tepid argument. Cassie is bawling her eyes out and storms off because Phoebe basically called her on her shit. Well, Cassie SAYS it’s because she feels Phoebe’s given up so soon, but come on – it’s clear she’s this worked up because she’s not an idiot and knows she looks like a total sly dog for segueing straight over to the twins 2 seconds after declaring her interest in Phoebe.
Phoebe sits down with Vanessa to be like WTF just happened, and Vanessa says they’re both to blame – Cassie for not coming to Phoebe after her date, and Phoebe for being cold to Cassie after the date. What? Was Vanessa even in the villa, bc what I saw was Cassie skipping back in like she’d just won Powerball. Super awkward, I’d also be pretty off it if I was Phoebe.
Meanwhile the twins are still having a stalemate over who gets to pursue Cassie. I cannot be alone with this thought – anyone else feel like there’s this unspoken “but what if we both date her in a weird mildly incestuous polyamorous way”? No? Just me and my sick mind?
Hilariously, as soon as they split up Josh totally sledges his own flesh and blood, telling Cassie to pick him not Luke because he’s more genuine. FUCKING LOL if I did that to my sister she would shank me in my sleep, no question. What a dog.
Everyone goes to bed, while Vanessa tells us her and Matthew are super strong – emphasised by this “is she giving him a blowie or nah” display.
Everyone goes to sleep then wakes up. Phoebe and Cassie mend their bridges while wearing matching Tradie undies and one of those idiot R hats someone in the villa is trying to flog.
Then it’s time for the worst talent show in the history of talent shows, worse even than whatever the shittest episode of Australia’s Got Talent is. Cartier does karate, Adam/Eoghan do a terrible rap, Jessie and Phoebe dance to happy birthday with their boobs (don’t ask) then Eoghan and Matt do some scriptless play where Matt is the King of Love Island (which in his mind he is, but in reality he is probably the dunce) and Eoghan is like taking it off him?
The best part was Gerard doing a card trick that involved him eyeballing the twins to try and guess what card they had. It was weird yet oddly enthralling. Luke was really thrown:
Then it’s time for Cartier and Adam’s first date – they go paddleboarding in the murky, unappealing Fijian waters but you guys… I’m starting to buy these guys. They MIGHT be my favourite couple??? In fact they definitely are, they just seem like they actually have heaps of fun together and for all his bro-talk, Adam seems to really respect Cartier and how slow she wants to take things. CUTE.
Also mid-date we’re given this shot which was alarming and confusing. Also, never explained.
Meanwhile Josh has segued over to being interested in Anna, letting Luke crack onto Cassie.
In much spicier news, Jessie has a bit of a vibe for Luke. They have a flirty chat where she picks his chest ingrowns, maybe I wasn’t paying attention.
She tells Vanessa she likes him, but still likes Eoghan. Luke also tells Eoghan he likes Jessie.
Then Eoghan and Jessie talk, and it’s like the tables have turned – now Jessie’s got the side hustles going with Luke, and Eoghan’s going balls to the wall with the “I’m never turning my head for anyone else”.
Then FUCK YEAH time for the best Love Island game – stripper heart raiser! All the gals get a heart monitor strapped to their wrists and the dudes tried to sexy dance their way into raised heart rates. Special props to Eoghan, who went so hard on his Roman Warrior vibe he terrified everyone instead of turning them on:
And Gerard, who looked like he was in a vaudeville dance troupe from 1924:
Eoghan wins, as Matt says “based on pure fear” – he is not wrong. He scores a night in the Hideaway and takes Jessie, even though Jessie’s heart rate rose most for Luke (!!). She starts sussing which bargain-bin DFO Outlet lingerie is cutest for their night.
They cop a bottle of champers literally called “Syn”:
And have a soft dry hump to round out the evening. Romantic.
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