‘BACHIE’ RECAP: RIP Jamie’s Brain, Lost To The Void As He Slowly Descends Into Madness

Contributor: Josephine Rozenberg-Clarke, Melissa Mason
Bachelorette Recap
who you gonna call
somebody pass me the bargain-bin sparkling for christ’s sake

Her main reservation with Jackson is that at 25, he’s the youngest on the show. I find that age such a LOL since Matt Agnew (who was older than Angie) had basically a Year 12 class as his Bachelorettes.

MEL: Agree! I get her hesitation though, 25 is like “are you wise beyond your years or still playing Goon Of Fortune at house parties”. Also Angie doesn’t seem like a party girl so she’s prob double wary of anyone still throwing ragers. But Jackson’s striking me as the mature kind of 25, and they have such a spark — loved when she gave him his rose and then grabbed him for a kiss. Big mood.

mmm tastes like bargain-bin sparkling and spew
JOSIE: Not before reassuring him that she’d brushed her teeth, post-spew. Important. So that was all very cute but back at the mansion Jamie was having one of his classic staring into the void meltdowns, saying “Do you think they’re doing anything romantic?”. Mate, they are on a DATE. Like yes, Bachie dates by law always involve some kind of daredevil stunt but there’s also the drink and cut-price cheese plate moment too. Of course they’re having a romantic time. The very idea looks like it’s eating him alive…. the bloke needs to take his jealousy-induced anxiety down several hundred notches.
Bachelorette Recap
*’why does my heart feel so bad’ plays softly in the background*
i am STUNNED by this development

JOSIE: I adore how pissy all these grown Bachelorette men get over one (1) intruder. It was even more pissy than the women got over, like, 7 intruders on Bachelor last season. The ego levels are out of control! It’s so fun to watch though. They’re all so off it that Angie and Ryan have DMed in the past. I mean, I would be too, Ryan’s one of those hot bald guys who looks hotter bald (see: Bruce Willis). And he is a Dog Guy so you know that every woman in his radius wants to marry him. AND we’ve seen past connections work to people’s advantages before (see: Matty J / Laura, Sophie / Stu).

MEL: I am very much calling it – Ryan for top two. But yes, all the male egos get bruised into eternity which I get but I also feel like, it’s so early to be this pissed off about this stuff. Anyway Ryan gets paired with Angie, and of course they do well with their dog because they’re both Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer types. But in surprising and completely rigged areas, it’s Ciarran and Scot-With-One-T who win with Rusty, the best dog in the world besides my own dog Millie.

JOSIE: That dog was so fucking cute, was I crying a bit just over his cuteness? Maybe. Also I was deeply pleased that Rusty was such an overachieving dog, because I have Ciarran in the office sweep and when his team won, Angie picked him rather than Scot-With-One-T to have the solo time.

Bachelorette Recap
high five for being the best dog in the world besides Mel’s dog Millie
Bachelorette Recap
cheers to our very mature, restrained, sex-free date

MEL: I think so too, I could tell she was genuinely impressed he kept things G-rated, and not like “WTF dude why didn’t you make a move”. Meanwhile, the few that didn’t go on the dog date are sitting around in purgatory wondering where everyone has gone. Did they fall into a sinkhole? I wish. Instead they were just on their long-ass date, and all come barrelling in – including Ryan, much to Jamie’s deep, heartbreaking dismay.

JOSIE: It was so funny because all the guys from the date had come to terms with Ryan’s presence and the others, like Carlin and Jackson, only seemed mildly ruffled by it. Meanwhile Jamie looked like he’d just been told the world had ended outside the Bachelorette mansion and it was now officially the End Times. MATE. Another overreaction.

Bachelorette Recap
this is the WORST day of my LIFE
MEL: Then nothing of interest happened and BAM! Cocktail party time! Timm corralls the men around the fire pit, which is just peak Bro Energy, to make a pact that they all leave Angie the fuck alone unless she comes to chat with them. He’s sick of the fighting to get time with her, and it seems most of the guys agree wholeheartedly. Except…. fucken Jamie.
*contemplates using butter knife to saw Timm’s man bun off*

JOSIE: Timm-With-Two-Ms was really serious about this pact and everyone else totally bought in. What about when Jamie was like “But what if I need, like, 5 minutes with Angie…” and that other guy is like “NO!”

MEL: Omg everyone was just shitting on Jamie every time he tried to make a case for why he needed to speak with Angie, it was almost TOO mean. Except he is so infuriating even to me as a Bachelorette viewer that I can’t help but eyeroll along with the guys, too. In the end he convinces himself it’s OK to dog the boys because he’s only there for Angie, and emphasises this to-camera by using finger commas while saying I’m not here for the “bro code”. Just amazingly dorky.

actual image of a man about to doggeth thy boys

JOSIE: The so-called “bro code”. Amazing stuff. So Jamie does dog the boys and plead with Angie to go chat with him, which upsets Timm on a deep personal level, and by deep personal level I mean it invokes a reaction like: “Oi nah hey what a dog hey can’t believe he’d do that hey”.

Bachelorette Recap
that feeling when the bro code’s been broken and life has no point anymore

MEL: Timm is PROPER dirty about it, but not as dirty as Haydn who threatens (!!!) Jamie by saying “mate, if you thought you were having a bad time in the mansion now, you’ve just put all the boys offside”. I envisage tomorrow’s Bachelorette episode being a lot of Jamie walking into common areas and being met with smunty tea-sipping men who eyeball each other over their Earl Grey knowingly.

JOSIE: Lucky for Jamie, all this shit is going down unbeknownst to Angie, who is more miffed that Mitch didn’t come on the group date because the poor delicate soul twisted his ankle. She makes the point that he still could have come and sat out the actual running with dogs bit for the chance to see her since they all have such limited time together, which is a fair point I think.

MEL: Hard agree, Mitch’s excuse was tepid at best. He then reveals his real reservations – he feels a group date isn’t enough quality time, and is concerned she doesn’t consider him a hot contender. He asks for her to boot him at this rose ceremony if she isn’t gonna take him through to the end. Mate, are you high? Why would this woman know after TWO WEEKS and a handful of time for dates that you’re a top 3 for her? I cannot with how much ego rules Bachelorette in comparison to Bachelor. The guys just can’t handle “losing”. Angie is not about this at all.

Bachelorette Recap
how do i put this politely hmm you are a dipshit

JOSIE: Another Bachelorette episode, another epic Angie takedown. She’s so upfront which I really, really like about her. She says she hates that Mitch has turned the Bachelorette into a competition because it’s not that for her at all. YES GIRL YOU TELL HIM.

MEL: At the rose ceremony, she whittles it down to Haydn, Mitch and Kayde aka Fake Zac Efron. I really thought she was gonna boot Haydn, who has had about 1.5 seconds of screen time, and Mitch – but it turns out it’s Kayde and Mitch getting the old heave-ho.

JOSIE: Poor Fake Zac Efron, destined to run alone, Baywatch-style, along the beach for eternity.

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