Wow, what a boring episode you guys! I matched with like, ten dudes on Hinge because I was so bored I just sat on my phone for an hour and a half! I’ll probably find love thanks to that episode, so I guess thanks for that Love Island.
[jwplayer 2TT8ymo7]
Look, sometimes we need boring episodes to set groundwork for the explosive chaotic ones, you know? I can accept this. It’s still worth a recap.
So we come back to our islanders as they’re reeling from Sam’s departure. I couldn’t care less, and I’m sure none of you give a shit either. We aren’t attached to these fuckers yet! Who cares! I will say this – Sam was one of the less irritating dudes in the villa, so I do feel concerned for the “love” these women are going to find now. Oh well.
Phoebe and Cassie have a debrief about being the first same-sex couple in Love Island history, which is fantastic stuff… IF Cassie isn’t just using Phoebe’s interest in her to stick around (more on that in a sec). Phoebe says she doesn’t put a label on herself, Cassie agrees.
Meanwhile Maurice is fucking FROTHING that Cynthia chose him, a hundred percent because he is visualising all the diet shake spon con he can do on Instagram now he’s made it past the first booting. No one follow this guy on Instagram, ok? We can’t let him break Our Queen’s heart AND score bulk $$$ from shitty brands as well.
They have the most asexual hug I’ve ever seen in my life to cement their new couple status.
Then we have our usual getting-ready-for-bed montage, but with added ALARMING this:
Is the man… is he cutting his widow’s peak off? Given widow’s peaks (in my psychological opinion) are a sign of demonic activity this all makes total sense. Also someone tell Maurice this is a fucking terrible idea. Honestly, it’s giving me memory-hives from the time I cut my fringe.
Everyone is all cute and spoony with their new romantic partners, and then it’s morning and someone is mixing this godforsaken concoction of like, pond slime and dog shit.
Cartier and Adam are slowly growing on me as a couple, even though I still cannot fathom how they’re going to make this work. Cartier’s pulling out a lot of “I’m turned on” commentary to reassure us she isn’t a nun, but as a former born-again Jesus gal myself I am like… ok but aren’t you like sex-free til marriage beb? Adam’s at stroking-under-thigh level of sexual tension with this woman, and I can’t tell if he’s gonna get further than a peck right now.
That being said, everyone does religion their own way I guess. Maybe Cartier’s DTF! I don’t know! Time will tell, and so will furtive dry humping under doonas.
Eoghan and Jessie are a) colour co-ordinating and b) working out together, two signs of a toxic relationship in my eyes.
She tells him instead of “where there’s a will there’s a way” she says “where there’s a want there’s a will”, because if she wants it she’ll do it. Ok.
Eoghan is apparently into this bullshit because he says she melts his heart a bit. I call buuuuullshit.
Then someone gets a text – a person called “L.J” wants to take Cassie on a date. She loses her shit in excitement which is obviously off-putting for Phoebe, who is coupled up with her.
They have a chat, and Cassie says either way she wants to get to know Phoebe. But Phoebs – who is fast becoming the most of-sound-mind person in this villa, in my eyes – is suss. Cassie’s super excited.
Next we meet “L.J”, which is two boys – identical twins – with identical horrible fades.
They say they’re gonna trick Cassie by pretending to be the same person. My first impression of these guys is that they do this often in ~the clerb~ and call it “just boys being boys”.
Luke goes in first, but tells Cassie his name is Josh. I wasn’t paying attention to anything because of THIS:
Their date goes well, Cassie says he’s her type, etc etc.
For no reason at all, Luke comes back and whips his shirt off to swap with Josh. They are literally in the same outfit, so this was absolutely an excuse for them to show off their Crossfit abs that I don’t care about.
He tells the Real Josh that “Cassie’s with a chick but she’s still looking for a dude” just…. wow. Anyway off Josh plods to try and trick Cassie for no real reason at all.
The conversation gets even more inane – Cassie asks Josh what food he likes, and he says “oh man, love food. Chicken… rice…” I’m sorry, are you my mum’s dog?
She then – I shit you not – asks if he likes sleep. Is this what dating is in 2019? “Oh my god, we both SLEEP, this chemistry is off the chain” fuck me up, I cannot with these people.
She bounds back to the villa and is beaming, much to Phoebe’s dismay.
Meanwhile the brothers are already fighting over Cassie. I was really hoping this season of Love Island would turn into a “there can only be one brother” bloodbath, but sadly they just go hard on the aggro possessive energy like “nah I’m going for her” vibes.
They hurtle into the mansion like two maniacs.
Eoghan is having a really hard time getting his head around the fact identical twins exist in this world.
~Da Boys~ sit down with everyone for a chat, everyone being mainly the girls because the men in this villa can’t handle new dudes and go sit in a weird huddle bitching about the twins.
Matt in particular is flexing hard to emphasise his Big Pissing Dog position he has entirely made up for himself, and as per their toxic relationship, Vanessa is getting turned on by his insane jealousy over her speaking to someone else with a dick.
Cassie is completely over the moon about the twins, seemingly not caring which one wants to bone her. She’s done a full 180 away from Phoebe it seems.
Phoebe is two seconds away from losing it, and Jessie’s terrible advice of playing mind games with Cassie doesn’t seem to help the matter.
She says she’s not one to get into competition over someone, and honestly this woman might steal the Queen title off Cynthia at this stage. YES, GIRL. Love yourself.
Then Luke or Josh, IDK because I haven’t bothered to learn yet, tells Gerard he’s keen on Anna. Gerard gives the best stink-eye of the series so far in response.
Then it’s time for what we all knew was coming – a Phoebe/Cass showdown over Cassie’s flirt-fest with the twins. Phoebe approaches it really cautiously, saying she feels a bit manipulated and used because it looks like Cassie just chose to couple with her to stay in the villa. Cassie is like:
Cassie starts crying, not because she’s hurt Phoebe’s feelings but because she “doesn’t want people to think she’s not genuine”. It’s painfully clear Cassie is more concerned that us viewers will think she’s a two-faced fake than she is about Phoebe’s feelings. Guess the fuck what Cassie, we see you!
LOOK – Cassie may well have been serious about Phoebe and then met the twins and changed her mind. That’s fine, but I’m as suss as Phoebs on this one – VERY convenient that she chose to couple up with a woman, meaning a dude would go home, rather than be left as the only gal in the villa without a man who was pursuing her, y’know? It smells like shit, which means it likely IS shit.
Then the brothers get a text – they each get to choose someone for a date. Looks like they’re both choosing Cassie, so shit is likely to hit the fan a bit more tonight. Thank GOD.
