FINAL LOVE ISLAND AUSTRALIA WEEK, GUYS! Will I give a shit about anyone I’m currently deeply invested in after Friday? Absolutely not!

We return to the villa in the aftermath of Adam quietly being shunted off to be fed to sharks. Bye, Adam! Hope they eat your fringe first! Matt and Cartier have a big chat about Adam being gone, it’s very intense and I think all these people have now completely lost their marbles after being cooped up in a Fiji villa for so long. NO ONE DIED, GUYS. Unless we’re not being told and secretly these evictees ARE being chopped up for shark food.

this black cloud may never pass me

Meanwhile Josh and Anna are just being as loved up as loved up can be – believe NOTHING at this point, friends. Everyone is now showponying for the cameras so we, the viewers, will believe in their love and vote for them. Or have I become a cynical woman with a dark, cold heart? Probably both tbh.

Anna also says, I shit you not, “I can’t believe we walked in here as individual people and we will walk out together”.

maths is wild

Jessie is also on the “gotta convince everyone I give a shit about this rando I’m coupled up with” train, basically screaming at the camera “I’M FALLING FOR TODD!!!! I’M FALLING SO HARD!!!!!”

I’M FUCKING IN LOVE I SWEAR NOW TEXT JESSIE TO 199 199 199!!!

Everyone’s fucking in love, I’m bored of reporting it back to you! So everyone goes to bed, and Cynthia/Aaron are getting frisky for SURE.

that is HANDS ON PRIVATE AREAS face for sure, Cynthia

In the morning Anna roasts her, then everyone has MORE boring talks about how fucking perfect they are for each other blah blah, you guys we aren’t fucking morons. We know you’re showponying for our attention. I am not that easy to win over!!! I demand real adorable moments or I will WITHHOLD MY LOVE. If that isn’t reflective of some deep-rooted parental issues I have, I don’t know what is.

Anyway then we play a stupid yoga game which is stupid but offers some mildly cute moments, mainly from Cartier and Matt, the only couple I am remotely invested in right now.

You’re all I believe in right now, guys

It also for some reason makes Josh fart a LOT. Yoga is hell for the fart-prone.

Then they play ANOTHER game, the stationary Truth Bike. I get the feeling the producers are deeply aware they have a dud group this year and are trying desperately to up the drama, but it doesn’t work – the best we get is Margarita saying she finds Todd(??)’s underarms sexy. WHAT THE FUCK.

I’M CALLING THE POLICE

I need to go cleanse my brain from that image/concept immediately. BRB, googling scenes from iconic kid’s film Napoleon.

Ok, I’m back. Another moment that’s very alarming is everyone quizzing Aaron on his traumatic experiences in Afghanistan. Mainly the fact his face is like this while he says things like “yeah I almost died”.

yeah lol almost died haha wild

The church thing comes up for Cartier again, and Matt’s response is similar to Adam’s – he’d go to church but he doesn’t believe in it. But he’d go to support her. He also confusingly says “wrestling is my church”, which makes zero sense and also do you forget constantly that MATT IS A WRESTLER? Coz I do.

Speaking of Cartier/Matt, they get their first shitty date! It’s pretty cute. I know I’m probably a chump but I kinda believe in their flourishing friendship-to-romance??? In fact I love it??? I do hope Matt isn’t using her to win…

look how in love she is guys, if he breaks her heart I’ll legit punch him in the groin

Then the CUTEST FUCKING THING IN EXISTENCE HAPPENS, guys. Matt basically wants to kiss Cartier for real – not in a game. He sets up a whole ultra-cheesy-but-in-a-jokey-way plan, where he leads Cartier over to look at the ocean, and is all “what do you see” like they’re in a Mills & Boon novel.

She loves it and you can see that he genuinely makes her laugh.

They kiss and it’s bloody adorable. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to be grinning a little.

CUUUUUTEEEEEEEEE

The islanders get a text – Jessie and Todd score the Hideaway. Again, we have one of those really off-putting scenes where all the girls help Jessie choose sexy lingerie like it’s her deflowering ceremony.

“omgggg babe you did a great shave job”

They make out in bed but it’s pretty PG to be honest. Anyway! Ready to see some of these couples booted, ASAP.