I can’t believe this show is spewing forth so much drama, like some sort of fuckboy drama volcano, but here we are. Love Island Australia 2019 is fucked UP, you guys.

Last night’s episode saw the aftermath of Eoghan choosing to couple up with Jessie over Cartier, plus two new gals entered the villa and will undoubtedly throw everyone’s shit at the fan.

Let’s recap, shall we?

We come back to the islanders as they’re all congratulation Eoghan and Jessie, the new couple (for five seconds). Vanessa, in a very switched on moment, is suss on the whole thing – Eoghan told Cartier he was gonna pick HER at the ceremony, but then he picked Jessie?

Cartier is devo, but Eoghan pulls her aside and she’s all “noooo haha I’m fine”. We’ve all been there beb. Smile through the pain. Anyway he suuucks, I’m calling it – Eoghan is gonna be the biggest demon of this villa for 2019. Because he then tells Cartier it basically means shit and he’s still interested in pursuing her, too.

No beb I didn’t choose Jessie, I just said the word “Jessie” and she thought it meant we were a couple, haha

Why does this make him a dick? Well, then as they’re getting ready for bed, he tells Jessie selecting her was making a statement, that of anyone in the villa he wants to pursue her. So… which one is it, fuckface? It’s fine to be unsure about who you click with this early on, but it’s 10000% not fine to lie to two women’s faces.

Nooo beb I told Cartier I only have eyes for you, haha

Maurice is of course telling anyone who will listen he’s “soooooo chill” and now thinks out of fucking nowhere that Cynthia is a good match for him. This is the first anyone has heard this. NO YOU DOUCHE, STAY AWAY FROM MY QUEEN.

guys I’m soooo chill I’m mayor of chilltown population me, the chill guy

Speaking of my Queen, in the morning she muses about how little chemistry she has with DJ Sam, her current partner. This is reiterated with the beigest convo I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’ve watched ALL seasons of romantic reality TV. She asks Sam if he’s a tropical or a beach guy (are these not the same thing) and he answers boringly, and she replies boringly. It’s boring.

Sorry i fell asleep

So everyone is chopping and changing their choices – Cassie‘s into Gerard, Cartier’s into ADAM (????) and Eoghan is out here telling Jessie he’s not “actively pursuing” Cartier. Which is bullshit. Cartier and Adam have a LOL convo where Adam asks her if she’s down for sex before marriage.

Meanwhile Cassie and Gerard are heating up, which is really rammed home by the producers with these kind of shots.

we get it, they want to fucc

Meanwhile Matthew and Vanessa are 100% convinced they’re the house favourites, which is a bald-faced lie and I cannot understand how Vanessa doesn’t see that Matt will a million percent drop her like a melted ice-cream cake as soon as a new girl enters the villa. DOLL. BE AWARE.

Delusional town, population these two

Then it’s time for our first game – which of course is just a thinly veiled attempt to make everyone kiss each other. Which they do.

it’s what the people want

Nothing exciting happens, except that Matt has kept a list of everyone he’s slept with and Vanessa thinks that’s fucked. I personally think it’s fine??? But she is like, really upset about it for no good reason.

idk just needed something to make a drama about

Meanwhile Maurice is trying to tune Cynthia, and she’s having like 0% of it.

wot

And of course, old Irish Jesus is spinning his shit to Cartier and Jessie. He tells Cartier that there’s “something a bit deeper” with Jessie but that he is sure it could be there with Cartier too. She laps it up, and like she’s 19 dude don’t fuck the girl around!

how many fishing hooks are in my lip rn, ten?

He then tells Jessie he told Cartier he’s committed to her – LIES! THE MAN SITS ON A THRONE OF LIES!

But who cares about that shit – two new girls arrived! Anna and Phoebe, sure to fuck shit up.

hi dickheads

And what did I fucken tell you – Matt’s keen.

oh damn

Can’t wait for this to kick off tomorrow night.