We’ve Decided Which ‘Love Island’ Contestants Will Be Dicks Based On Pretty Much Nothing

Love Island Australia 2019 is just DAYS away from starting, baby! I’m equal parts excited for my full week’s worth of reality TV stupidity and also anxious because I have to write the recaps, and that’s a lot of viewing commitment. Who am I kidding, I’m 110% in.

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I was sent the bios of each contestant set to find love this year, but we all know you can’t reeeeally tell who is going to be the resident bitch / resident moron / resident manipulative douchelord until the show really gets rolling.

That being said, I love nothing more than a wild speculation, and since it’s Friday what better activity for us all than coming together to come up with insane theories about what’ll happen to all these fame-hungry folks, right?

1. Vanessa

Vanessa is 24 and her “quote” is “I’m a ride or die chick and would have my man’s back 1000 percent through anything”. She speaks French and grew up in Vanuatu.

My prediction is that Vanessa will be the mildly mysterious slightly French woman all the guys freak out over, and at some point she will become single and someone in a comfortable relationship will dramatically dump their island GF for Vanessa. Very Grant / Cassidy / Tayla areas.

2. CYNTHIA

Cynthia says she’s a “very sentimental partner. Words of affirmation mean a lot to me”. She’s 23 and sounds to me like she might be the shy gal of the house who hangs back a bit.

So my prediction is that Cynthia gets her heart absolutely pummelled into the ground when some dude ends up in a lukewarm relationship with her, then splits as soon as a sexy intruder enters the mix.

3. CARTIER

Cartier’s the born-again Christian, and she’s really fixated on her morals and all that shit.

A born-again Christian on Love Island Australia 2019 is a really strange flex, so my money’s on Cartier having the nervous breakdown to end nervous breakdowns when she dry humps someone in the toot and regrets it.

4. JESSIE

Jessie’s quote is “I’m not dumb, but my mouth works faster than my brain”, so it sounds like she’s going to be the ditz of the island (which is fine, I’m a ditz, no judgeys).

I think she might be the dark horse – like fun / hot / not insane, so my vote is Jessie wins this bitch.

5. CASSIE

Cassie’s giving me some real J.LO vibes here, so I’ve decided she’s going to be the spicy bitch of the island who takes no shit and calls a spade a spade.

10 bucks says she’ll end up in a fight with someone for giving her the stinkeye.

6. GERARD

Gerard is an emotional guy, you guys. He says it isn’t just about looks, you guys.

This means Gerard will go for the most conventionally hot woman on the island and then have a giant baby tantrum when she doesn’t return his affections.

7. ADAM

Adam’s clearly the pretty boy in the house, and if last year’s Love Island Australia contestant reaction to sweet Justin is anything to go by, Aussie girls on this show like the rough blokes and not the sweet angels.

Adam’s gonna get booted in the first 2 weeks.

8. MATT

Matt’s the “international male model” this year, but he looks like the most Aussie bloke to end all Aussie blokes. He looks like an extra on McLeod’s Daughters. The new larrikin surfer on Home & Away.

What I’m saying is he is winning this series, no arguments.

9. SAM

Anyone who calls themselves an “international DJ” and isn’t Calvin Harris or Diplo, is a wanker.

So Sam will be the wanker of this island.

10. MAURICE

Maurice says he’s “another breed of person, I’m the whole package”, which means he’s probably a trash receptacle of a man who sucks.

I’m so put off by that quote that I’m calling it – Maurice will be that guy who tries to tune all the girls one day before a recoupling, then ends up solo. That, or he will dump a girl when they bring Casa Amor into play.

11. EOGHAN

Eoghan is either going to be the first episode’s most-wanted dude, or a total disappointment to us all. He’s apparently a successful real estate agent and has been compared to Tarzan (??) and Jon Snow (????? very different vibes there son) but we all know that means shit bc if he turns up with too much body oil on those abs, no one will bite.

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