Naturally, episode 2 of Love Island Australia really ramped the drama up, at least enough for me not to get completely distracted by my phone every ten minutes.

Already, cracks have well and truly formed in our new couples! This is all we could really ask for at this stage – this, and some love triangles, which we hundo p got and I love it so much.

I won’t give anything away, instead I will recap.

So we come right back in where we left off, with all the islanders sitting around the weak fire pit in the (legit, I think, I swear I saw shivering) cold still trying to make all the women lick Eoghan’s chest. I mean, basically – someone dares Jessie to give him a lapdance and it is absolutely the most uncomfortable thing you’ll ever watch. 100/10 my vagina closed up.

“Is that your dick or are you just completely rigid out of fear, Eoghan?”

So from the get go, Cartier and Cynthia are into Eoghan. Meanwhile, all the dudes are threatened by him – yes, even you Maurice who cannot stop saying “I feel confident in what Jessie and I have” while also looking like he is about to have a stress seizure.

Seems like he’s right to be worried – Jessie then tells Eoghan her coupled-up situation is “ehhhh zsjuzshy” whatever the fuck that means. She find Eoghan “masculine”. Meanwhile Cynthia – honestly wtf is with these men she is SUCH A CATCH – is like third wheeling.

RIP Cynthia, too perfect for this villa

Eoghan then chats to Cartier and honestly…. I’m suss on this dude. He says ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. He even uses the word “morals” with Cartier like… who says “morals” when they’re not a praise Jesus Christian? Suss dudes playing the game, bitch.

Cartier laps it up, from the “imagine you had a daughter, I think we should treat women like our daughters” (blegh) and talking about their future kids. She’s smitten as fuck.

Meanwhile Jessie, the other third of this new love triangle, tells Cassie that Maurice is old news. Apparently he’s been behaving weirdly and saying odd things. I don’t know how we can be surprised when the man has the neatest fade in the history of the universe – anyone with an obsessively neat fade has some dark, unhinged secret. Fact.

This screams psychopath to me

So Jessie goes to talk to Maurice, which leads to the greatest moment of this season so far. Basically she’s all “I think you’re just here for the publicity” and he’s like *long scoffing noise that indicates he probably is* WTFFFF Jessie you’re imagining things! YES friends we have some of our first gaslighting of the season, the old “you’re imagining it and also I am going to tell you how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way, in the hopes that you will believe me and let me keep bullshitting you”.

“I know I said publicity would be cool but that doesn’t mean I am thinking about publicity being cool”

Maurice then tells Jessie (I mean TELLS her, doesn’t ask if this is the case) that the reason she’s off him like he’s a rotten banana inside another rotten banana with worms in it, is because she’s “developing ideologies about Maurice” and has fabricated a scenario in her mind.

Jessie, to her credit, isn’t having any of this shit and point blank tells him that while she liked him yesterday, she does not like him today. Doesn’t get much clearer than that beb.

Meanwhile Gerard is keen on Cassie, probably just because Cartier clearly only has eyes for Eoghan. Adam hates it, of course, but completely borks it when he chats to Cassie, because she’s all “Idk how genuine you are or if you like me” and he LEGIT SAYS, I shit you not, “you’ve go a sick personality and it’s shone through. You’re not a bad looking girl”. NOT A BAD LOOKING GIRL??? Mate. MATE.

wow thanks love being a soft 5 out of 10 in your eyes

Meanwhile Matthew and Vanessa are loved up and he’s cooking her brekkie in bed for her birthday. They’re obsessed with themselves – going on about how they’re the strongest couple in the house and how everyone says so. Yeah sure, I don’t trust either of these people. Cue a swift breakup within the week, I say.

Adam and Cassie talk again and Adam decides they’re in the friend-zone. Cassie cries which is upsetting – but also honey, Adam sucks. Wait for the next hot dude who is also not someone who says “you’re not BAD looking”.

Maurice and Jessie also revisit their trainwreck of a conversation, but Maurice is intent – absolutely keen as a bean – on ensuring he is the worst possible dude in the villa, maybe even the entirety of Australia. He is now trying to convince us all – all of these people who just watched him get dumped – that it was a mutual decision.

everyone in this picture is screaming internally, including the trees

But it gets worse. He still can’t believe Jessie doesn’t want to sit on his dick, so he asks her to explain again why she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. She says it’s because he wanted all these answers from her, and she’s a cruiser and couldn’t handle it. His response? “Yeah and like your ex probably stung you pretty bad.”

OH. MY. GOD. DUDE. Yes definitely get all up in here and start telling people you’ve known for 24 hours the psychological reasons behind why they don’t want to fuck you. Please, we love to hear it.

Jessie – fast becoming an island fave for me – shuts him the shit down with “well, no, we are best friends” but he won’t let it go. He continues to try and convince her (!!!) that the reason she’s off him is because of some deep-rooted issues, but she calls him out, saying “when you ask me questions it feels like you’re putting words in my mouth”. YES JESSIE BC HE IS LITERALLY PUTTING WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH. Christ, this guy sucks.

It’s just poster gaslighter – Jessie even says “I get confused, it’s like you tell me how I feel”. And then I shit you not he does it AGAIN, saying “I think you’re uncomfortable with communication”. No she’s not??? She’s literally communicating with you right now you fuckwit. You just don’t want to hear it lmao.

Praise be to Jessie though because she never gives in, and eventually sees her out when Maurice goes to get water. Byeeeeeeeee Maurice you lil bitch. OFC Maurice tries to make this entirely about Jessie, saying he’s seen what she’s really like. Yes, not a manipulative piece of shit like you mate. Put this guy in the nearest trash receptacle please, god.

Thank god that’s over – now Jessie is free for her love triange with Eoghan, which ramps up – he takes her and Cartier out on solo dates. Both go well and I stilllll can’t shake this idea that Irish Jesus is playing both these women hard.

wow you’re the most amazing beautiful woman I’ve ever met I feel so many sparks
wow you’re the most amazing beautiful woman I’ve ever met I feel so many sparks, version 2.0

Eoghan doesn’t know who he wants to pick, so he goes to chat to Jessie. She borks it by telling him how upset Cartier (she calls her Catriona which is amazing) would be if he chose Jessie, which is a weird flex when you like a guy. But sure.

The whole conversation is confusing as fuck, with Jessie ending it on “I’m not telling you NOT to”. Then he talks to every other person too? Vanessa, lol, is like “if Matt wasnt in the picture I would have gone for you” which is exactly what you say when you want to keep your options open. Hey, it’s Love Island. Who can blame her. Also 100/10 Matthew is going to fuck her over, I can feel it in me waters.

Then it’s time for Eoghan to pick someone – he goes with Jessie. Cartier looks devo – but says it’s not over ’til it’s over, and she’ll keep trying to get to know him.