Gather ’round, kids. It’s 12 o’clock on the Rocket Clock, which means it’s time to blast off into some hard truths. It may be hard to hear. You may not want to acknowledge it. But it’s a god’s honest, no fooling, tried and true fact that of the vaunted Play School windows of myth and lore, only one is worth giving a shit about. And folks, that window’s name? The arch window.
For years Play School has been asking kid and sleep deprived adult alike to gaze beyond the glass. And for years they have been two-thirds leading everyone astray.
Sure, there are households out there that have, for reasons of their own, preferred the sub-standard round window. Some have even shown a preference for the cowardly square window. But the only window worth even the most remote of shits? Baby, that’s the arch window. The arch window holds the goddamned truth.
Occasionally Play School dares to dally with glass of other forms. And those times are routinely shithouse.
Square window journeys result in nothing but abject boredom. A piece to camera about how wool is made? That’s got square written all over it. Tiny child getting her teeth cleaned at the dentist? That thrums with square energy. Short segment about doors opening? Oh that’s just fucking square as shit.
As for the round window? Buddy it’s called the “round window.” Apparently at some point in the 55-year history of the show we decided kids are too stupid to understand what a circle is. And while that’s not exactly un-true, it’s still dumb as hell. What kind of precedent does that set for the future? Someone obliviously wandering around god’s green earth participating in a drum round? Getting stuck into a round pit at a hardcore show? Bloody…. chomping down on popcorn before the lions come out at the roundus?
And don’t even get me started on the quote-unquote “diamond” window, which does not exist. You cannot convince me that that is a real thing. Play School has three windows. Play School has always had three windows. I will go to my grave knowing that Play School has three windows and three windows only. At absolute best, a diamond window is just a square window on its edge, so they’ve got an argument for there being two of the same window and that’s it.
Only the arch window holds the key to a well-rounded (no pun intended) childhood. Beyond the arch? The knowledge and riches of the world. We’re talking baby animals frolicking, Play Doh being oozed into tubs at the factory, shirts being tye dyed with a cool Aunty, the works.
There is no Play School window more powerful or awe inspiring than the arch.
All other windows are dirt by comparison.
Thank you for coming to my Little TED talk.
