There’s no doubt plenty of you are already absolutely het up over that headline alone, but it’s my hill, I’ve got the keyboard, and I’ll gladly and bullishly die here at my desk. In the unusually deep fleet of rail vehicles that populate the Isle of Sodor – the rail network documented frequently via the Thomas & Friends series – there is only one engine worth the bearings it runs on: Gordon. He is the centrepiece of Sodor’s rail network and the glue that holds the entire operation together.
[jwplayer oNZ8QWCO]
Sure, you might have your “favourites.” You might think Gordon is “overhyped,” “one-dimensional,” and “kind of an asshole.” But I put it to you that, compared to Gordon’s splendour, the rest of the Sodor rail network – we’re talking original fleet only here, folks – is populated with idiots, incompetents, and Really Useless Dipshits™ all actively preventing Sodor from becoming the jewel of the UK rail system it rightfully should be.
Don’t believe me? Observe my train assessments thusly. Welcome to my TED Talk, ya jerks.
THOMAS
Two ornamental carriages and your own seperate branch line off the main commuter loop? You’re not a Really Useful Engine, you’re a Tourist Trap, bitch.
HENRY
Imagine sucking so hard at your job as a train that officials tear up active rail fixtures just so they can wall you up in a tunnel and leave you there to die. No tearful adieus. No one telling you how hard this is for them. Nothing. It’s just “you fucked it, you’re gonna die, seeya.” The cops don’t get involved. No one comes to say goodbye. You just get put in a hole, on display, so everyone can watch you slowly rust and rot to death. You’d have to really suck ass at being a train to have that happen to you.
JAMES
No one who has a plasticine face like the suckered anus of a beached manatee has the right to be anywhere near as vain as this Hot Trains Quarterly-wannabe loser.
EDWARD
Built in 1896 and yet still in regular active service on the network? What the christ is going on there? Put him in a museum for god’s sake. Decommission him and stick him in a park so grubby-fingered children can climb all up on him already. There’s no possible way he’s still safe for public operation. Someone call the goddamned council.
PERCY
What possible good is a train that’s roughly the size of a toy model of itself gonna be to anyone? Old mate piffs about like he’s So’dorable, but gets constantly bullied by trucks (nerd) or throws his driver and runs off at the first sign of any trouble. An annoying yapping chihuahua. Just quickly, you ever think about how this show brought trains to life and gave them autonomy over their own acceleration but NOT over their own braking? Pretty fucked up!
TOBY
A tram. A TRAM. On a full-service commuter and freight rail network. A tram. What kinda boneheaded, cost-cutting bullshit is that? Let’s counter our growing capacity issues by shoving a dinky little idiot box tram into the mix. Great idea! Love it! Ding ding, dickhead! Get off the road.
DUCK
Here’s a hot take for you: Every time Duck smiles and brags about how “The Great Western way” is the only way to do things, what he really means is “The White People way”. He’s talking about white people. GWR stands for Great White Race.
BILL & BEN
Idiot pea-brained dirt boys who live in dirt and love dirt and eat the dirt they love to live in. Yuck. Yucky. Get ’em outta here. Get rid of ’em.
OLIVER
FUCKEN WHOMST?
DIESEL
Diesel you scoundrel! You devious ratbag! You saucy minx! You rotten binch! You conniving so-and-so! You scheming piece of crap! You manipulative jerk! You rotten ass! You smelly toad! You awful cock! You son-of-a-goat! You crooked crank! You wobbly old nonce! You wonky donkey! You treacherous rat! You hideous baboon! You tick-ridden ape! You sickly orangutan!
DONALD & DOUGLAS
Beyond Gordon, the only trains Sodor has worth the coal in their fires are Donald and Douglas: Two fine Scottish lads who get their shit done on time, every time, with a bit of cheeky lip to boot. The only thing holding them back is… they’re twins? Proper twins. Not two identical trains made in the same factory. Genetic twins. As in, there was a pregnant Scottish mother train and she och aye’d out two bonnie wee lad trains? Bit weird.
GORDON
The King. The Emperor. The Biggest and Best Lad Sodor has to offer. Gordon pulls the most important service on the network – The Express – and he does it without breaking a sweat. Others have tried and nearly wrecked themselves doing so.
He also has:
- An entire hill named after him..
- An impeccable safety record.
- A beloved reputation nationwide.
- The respect of his peers.
- Respectable smoke stack (not phallically huge like some others).
- Big, sexy wheels.
But because he’s “a bit grumpy” suddenly he’s not being recognised as the best train in the series? I reject that. I reject that wholesale.
Because at the crux of all this long-running TV series hullabaloo lies the true purpose of all these puffing silly bolt bags: The efficient operation of a major regional commuter and freight network. And to that end, there are none better at their job than Gordon. He is the greatest at it, he is the most reliable, he is the best train on Sodor.
Thank you.
