I’ve never had an interest in the fantasy genre. Despite having a lot of heart, I feel like it is just too far fetched for me, and I’d rather spend my time watching / learning about something real. The only fantasies I get into are ones where I’m making out with a young Leonardo DeCaprio and then returning to my job the next day as Adam Richman in Man Vs Food.
When I turned twelve, my mum encouraged me to read Harry Potter. Unfortunately by the time I got my hands on a copy of ‘The Philosophers Stone’, I had just finished reading this book we happened to have at home. I picked it up as I really liked the authors name, Cupcake Brown, and wished it to be my own.
It ended up being an autobiography of a teenage prostitute who worked her way to being a big shot lawyer later in life. As a white twelve-year-old child from Sydney’s Hunters Hill, it really opened my eyes to the hardcore sexism, racism and extreme injustices to young black women in America during the crack epidemic of the 80s. Needless to say, going from memoirs of a teen prostitute to memoirs of a teen wizard felt like I may as well have been reading The Hungry Caterpillar. I was a woman of the world by the time I finished that book and I decided I would leave Harry Potter to the nerds (all of my friends, cousins, peers and siblings).
But it’s hard to live your life and not know a thing or two about Harry Potter. It’s simply just that famous. Although I’ve never sat down and watched the first movie in it’s entirety, I had been to a few sleepovers where it was on in the background. We also had the DVD at home and my siblings watched it a few times. I’ve definitely seen the first 40 minutes uninterrupted.
Anyway my editor thought it might be funny for me to watch the final instalment of Harry Potter with my very limited knowledge and try figuring out whats going on.
I know this is Voldemort.
Voldemort is on an island, alone. He is living in an underground bunker on said island. The plot so far isn’ttoo far removed from ‘Lost’. I already have a side note: I didn’t know how to spell Voldemort but he is so famous IT’S ON SPELL CHECK!
A beardy man I assume to be Dumbledore is seemingly dead in the coffin. I say seemingly because you never know with these sorts of magic movies. Anyway I think he has just defeated Dumbledore, perhaps that is what HP 7 was about.
Voldemort seems weak but his wand seems strong. Now we are at Hogwarts.
Hogwarts look like it’s about to be invaded by these spermy looking creatures. Maybe they are friends of Voldemort and now that Dumbledore is gone, they are closing in on Hogwarts. If Dumbledore was Mufasa, Voldemort is Scar, these floating guys are the hyenas voiced by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg. Hogwarts is Pride Rock and Harry Potter is of course Simba. I cannot wait to find out how right I am about this. If Harry Potter ends up being the principal of Hogwarts, this is literally just the Lion King.
RIP Alan Rickman. Good to see Snape is still kicking around although I know he is a baddie in these films. Baddie as in bad guy not baddie as in thick thottie but he is one of those too for sure.
The schools quidditch team are returning from an away match. The mood in the air tells me they lost, hardcore. Or maybe they’ve just head about Dumbledore.
Oh shiiet, Dobby is dead. I haven’t seen Dobby in a movie but I’ve seen him meme-d around a bit. I assumed he was a bit of a throwaway character, like JarJar Binx. I was obviously wrong.
Harry is visiting Dobby’s grave and looking at his reflection in a shred of glass, it flickers between Harry’s face and Dumbledore’s. I don’t think Harry Potter was Dumbledore, because I’m sure I would have heard that around somewhere, like when you heard the twist in Fight Club before you saw it. This is soooooo when Simba looks into his reflection in the lake and sees Mufasa. Are they even trying to not be The Lion King?
Harry is also on a deserted island. Maybe the same one as Voldemort. I would be keen to watch if it just came down to a Hunger Games style battle between Voldemort and Harry. I feel like I’ve saved myself a lot of time and knocked a few years off my virginity by skipping the other movies if so.
Now I know who this is too, as people compare my hair to hers all the time, but I haven’t seen her in the films. Luna Lovegood. I don’t know anything else about her except my brother’s friend got a boner for her in the cinema back in the day.
OMG I love that actor on the right. He is in Black Mirror and Ex Machina which is such a great movie if you haven’t seen it. This might be racist but he must be a Weasley. I don’t know the thottie on the left but maybe she’s getting it from him, lucky gal. These are the only two in the movie so far who don’t seem to be in feral moods.
The Weasley that isn’t Ron explains to Luna that this is a house that is used by whats left of his family, like coronavirus hit really hard at Hogwarts.
This is the banker elf right? “Key please”. He had a role in the HP PS1 game me and my brother used to play. We had a glitch / scratch if you walked too close to him at the Hogwarts bank, he kept saying KEY PLEASE KEY PLEASE until you restarted the Playstation. I simply cannot believe he is here. Does Harry need to withdraw money? Is he off the island now?
OMG I’M RIGHT! He just said to Harry “I showed you your vault the first time you came to Gringotts.” I’m so proud of myself.
Back to the plot, the banking goblin seems butthurt about a sword harry stole. I didn’t know Harry used a sword, but seems like a downgrade from a wand. The goblin is horny for the sword and will help break Harry into the bank in exchange for the sword. I don’t know why Harry needs dollary-doos so badly.
- Sounds like Snape is the new principal.
- Harry needs a WhoreCrux. I don’t know what that is, but it’s in the bank.
At first, I didn’t know who this old rocker was:
But then he picked up the wand and I remembered.
He sold Harry his first wand. I remember this because the way he said “No, no definitely not” in the first movie is a line I still mock to this day. Are all these guys characters in all the movies or is this just one big reunion episode?
“The wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter” – I’m 99% certain he said that in the first movie too. JK Rowling didn’t go that deep if she’s recycling lines and I’m picking up on it of all people.
He has just mentioned “Wand Law”. I take back my previous statement. J.K Rowling went deep. Too deep.
My understanding is that Voldemort tortured the wand professor guy for some information, which the wand guy gave. Voldemort has “found it” not sure what, probably a wand. Ah yes cause his wand looked powerful in the first scene, in fact I have a line above about it.
Whoa I didn’t know Helena Bonham Carter was in this. Isn’t that weird cause I already mentioned Fight Club. Small world.
Wait a minute…
Are they fucking??? I’m happy for the Goblin. Helena too if he treats her right. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship where I’m taller than my man. It’s just a hot dynamic. Very Addams Family.
They have teleported to the bank to find a WhoreCrux. I have worked out that Hermione was doing voodoo on HBC to shape shift into her. Which is cool. I guess her and the goblin are not fucking though.
I actually had to text a friend and ask if this was Ron Weasley. Because this was the last image I had of Ron Weasley.
Harry and the goblin are under the invisibility cloak. The goblin must have been fired from the bank at some point. I used to work at Apple and I would love to use one of these cloaks to go back into the store when I needed without having to make small talk with my ex co workers.
Ron has super hearing and can hear that the peeps that work at the bank know that it’s not really HBC. They are about to be exposed. The banker asked for ID. When Hermione said no, the banker said “But it’s policy, I’m sure you would understand given the current climate.
Anyway, Harry must let some ganja into the air because all of the sudden the bankers are chill AF and let them in without any ID.
They are on a rollercoaster type thing on the way to their bank vault. This gives me hardcore PS1 vibes.
So there’s been a mishap in the bank and the goblin has turned on Harry, Hermione and Ron. He is yeeting without them and taking the goods with him.
What an asshole. No wonder he is getting no pussy.
Wouldn’t be a bad stripping scene if they weren’t in such shitty moods. Peep Ron’s fuego bod, Christ. Even Hermione’s kinda letting the tiddies out to play.
Ok I realise that I’m 15 mins into the movie and I’m already over my word limit. I’ll write dot point for a while in the interest of saving your time.
- WhoreCruxes sound like health packs in video games. Like what mushrooms are to Mario.
- The banking goblin got his sword but died with it in the end. YUUUUGE metaphor for life ey.
- Voldemort is part of Slytherin, probably in cahoots with Snape. Draco Malfoy has been affected by puberty the least.
- Fucking hell where is Hagrid? I just remembered him. I hope he isn’t dead.
- This movie is so fucking dark I can barely make out whats happening even with my laptop on full brightness.
- There are so many subplots going on that I clearly know nothing about. It’s almost as if there are 7 movies worth of stuff happening leading up to this.
- Was Dumbledore gay? I remember hearing that somewhere…
I can tell Neville Longbottom climbing out of the picture of Dumbledore’s sister is such an iconic moment and I don’t even know what it means.
“Me dad’s a muggle, me mum’s a witch, bit of a surprise for him when he found out”. I also mock this line to this day.
- Harry is like Jesus. He’s a man of the people but also leads and inspires the people and is a fictional character.
- Who is this and does he need a girlfriend?
- Does Harry have a crush on RON’S SISTER? Seems like it. Reminds me of the time my brothers friend (not the one who got a boner) wanted to take me to the formal but my bro said “no”.
House Ravenclaw has a Whorecrux hidden somewhere. One of my best friends, before we were friends, told me I would be in Ravenclaw. I took that as a huge insult when she told me, because she put herself in House Gryffindor. Now that we are friends, I have asked her again:
Ok that surprised me.
Oh look Luna Lovegood was right about the tiara, but no one listened to her because they think she’s a ditsy blonde. Maybe we are more alike than I thought.
I can’t keep up with this film. One second ago Draco was trying to kill Potter or at least steal his Whorecrux and now Harry is saving his life???? I can’t make tops or tails of this.
- This movie has more whispering than an ASMR video.
- A bit too soon to watch Snape die if you know what I mean 🙁
- Snape was in love with Harry Potter’s mother? So Snape was just broken hearted this whole time??? Thats actually so sad and can relate. The repeated rejection from boys I like and am nice to over the years has turned me bitter, cruel and murderous also.
- Dumbledore is bad. I repeat, Dumbledore is bad.
- Wait maybe not just the only way Voldemort can die is if Harry does and Dumbledore knew this.
Is that Nearly Headless Nick?
WHOAAAAAAAAA. Yay he’s alive but noooooooo he’s being held hostage.
- LOL Voldemort LITERALLY just said “Abra Cadabra”. Check it out for yourself. It occurs at 1:311:17 bahahahahahah.
- Some serious green screen action during this movie.
I have lots to say about this but have a feeling I should just keep quiet.
Voldemort has thankfully had a few good meals since the last scene. Scar (Voldemort) announcing to Pride Rock (Hogwarts) that Simba (Harry) is dead. But I don’t believe that BS for one second. I’ve seen The Lion King and I know Simba will return.
Aaaand he’s alive what a surprise.
Uka Uka vs Aku Aku vibes.
Although Harry put the nail in the coffin on Voldemort, Neville Longbottom set up the shot. Neville was like Michael Jordan and Harry Potter was like John Paxson in the Chicago Bulls vs. Phoenix Suns game during the final seconds of the 1993 NBA finals. I feel like that’s the best way to describe Voldemort’s death scene.
Well there we have it.
Kind of surprised Harry is not the principal, he’s just a dad now. I respect him throwing that wand away, he’s not a greedy capitalist and I like that.
I can’t say I’m intrigued to watch the series. I defs won’t be twerking to the theme song any time soon. I like people who like the Harry Potter franchise but I can’t see what they get out of it. I didn’t get anything out of this.
Cute how it ended on their children going to Hogwarts though. Would have been fitting to have ‘The Circle of Life‘ as the end credits song.