FARMER RECAP: If Australia’s Dolly Parton Doesn’t Get Her Happily Ever After, I’m Suing Ch 7

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Farmer Wants A Wife, arguably the only reality dating show that’s actually about finding love, is finally back on our screens. So sit down, grab a cheeky glass of wine and let’s froth over some farmers, baby.

Full disclosure: this is my first season actually seeing the show. I know what you’re thinking, “why the hell is she (Lavender Baj, P.TV’s resident creature of the night) qualified to write about a show she’s never seen?” WELL, although I haven’t watched past seasons, as a country bumpkin myself, who has snogged my fair share of farmers and spent many a summer evening drinking goon in a field, I reckon my fuckboy-future husband gauge when it comes to farmers is pretty spot on. Now that I’m living in the big smoke (Melbourne, baby), I really miss this farmer bullshit and have full intentions of living vicariously through these innocent women who reckon bumfuck nowhere is a fuckboy-free zone. Plot twist: it’s not.

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s get into the episode.

We kick off with host Natalie Gruzlewski recapping the show’s previous success, which includes 99 marriages and counting.

This year we’ve got five farmers searching for love: Alex, Sam, Nick, Harry and Neil. (you can read all about them and their potential wives here – but warning, it contains episode 1 spoilers).

*old town road plays softly in the background*

But if you thought five men was a lot to handle, we’ve also got 40 (yes, FORTY) women battling it out for their hearts in what I can only assume is the Aussie outback edition of The Hunger Games.

The girls arrive at the FWAW mansion and IMMEDIATELY start talking about how they really want a down-to-earth farmer boy because they’re ~so over~ city men. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to burst everyone’s bubble here and remind you that fuckboys roam free throughout the entire country, not just sleazy city nightclubs.

*David Attenborough voice* Ahh, the unsuspecting women have no idea that farmers can be fuckboys too.”

First up, we’re introduced to Alex. He’s 28 and a sheep and cattle farmer in Cunnamulla, QLD. He’s a total babe but calls himself a “love virgin.”

“I’m really lonely, that’s something I can’t stress enough,” he says, which is quite frankly the most relatable thing I’ve ever heard.

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I, too, am painfully lonely.

Next, we meet 28-year-old Harry who’s a cotton, wheat, grape (does this mean… wine?) and sheep farmer from Goolgowi and just wants “someone to share these flies with.”

Immediately he tells us that he’s got no idea why he’s single and explains that he wants a wife like a John Deere tractor (reliable, but hopefully not as expensive).

“I’d be a red hot dad, I reckon,” he says.

But it’s not just young men looking for ~lurve~, we’ve also got 44 year old vineyard owner Nick from Deviot, TAS. He used to live in LA, he owns a winery with a nice view and uhhh… he owns a winery with a nice view, that’s immediately husband material, if you ask me. What more do you want?!

The rest of the farmers remain a mystery for now because it’s time for the farmers to meet their wives.

We haven’t even met the girls yet but thanks to her Dolly Parton vibes, I have already decided that Mrs Cowboy Hat deserves to be Nick’s future wife and I will personally riot if they don’t get married and throw some rodeos on the vineyard (disclosure: I’ve got no fucking idea what a rodeo actually is).

“He’s tall and yeah, yum,” Mrs Cowboy Hat says to the camera before shaking her hips and having a little boogie. If she doesn’t win his heart, 7 should at least give her a reality show.

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Joelene, Joelene, Joelene, Joeleeeeeeene

When asked about finding love, Harry says he reckons “it’d be good,” which immediately makes me think he has the brain power of a tree stump. And to make matters worse, his response to having kids and starting a family is, and I quote, “might as well get into it.”

MIGHT AS WELL GET INTO IT?! You’ve got eight women falling at your feet and you can’t even give us a little bit of the ol’ razzle dazzle?! Maybe I’m just cynical because I’ve met my fair share of douchey farmers but c’mon.

Nick, who I am immediately rooting for, kicks us off by saying he’s “never felt this way about eight women before.” Funny, charming, probably true. We stan him.

Next up, we’ve got Sam. He’s 27, Italian and a lives on a farm in Innisfail, QLD. He’s Italian. He’s Italian. He’s Italian. It’s all he talks about, which is an immediate red flag because no amount of pasta can make up for a bland personality.

“If she doesn’t love Italian food, then see ya later,” he says.

Did I mention I’m Italian?

I’m sorry, but everyone likes Italian food. This is the equivalent of those Tinder bios that read “swipe left if you don’t like doggos.” CRINGE.

And finally, we meet Neil from Crookwell. He’s divorced with three kids and is still good mates with his ex wife (which usually means he’s not a total deadbeat).

They all gather in a wine cellar and honestly, what the fuck is going on with all the rugs?! Please explain.

Channel 7 have missed a primo opportunity for a Rugs R Us sponno here.

After 20 minutes of introductions, we finally get to the first dates.

“There’s something about isolation that’s quite romantic,” Alex says, referring to living in the outback and not, you know, the government-mandated lockdown we’re experiencing right now.

Immediately he wins my heart by remembering all of the girl’s names. TICK!

Unfortunately, Harry is the complete opposite and forgets everyone’s names. But it’s okay because his first date kicks off with TEARS.

Madison, the beautiful blonde bombshell, literally breaks down in tears. My immediate reaction was “blerghhhh get over it,” but within 2 minutes she won my heart over and now I think I want to marry her.

“Day one, tears. I didn’t think I’d see tears the whole show,” Harry says, as if he’s not trying to find a wife???

We then cut to a montage of some of the other girls, including this bitch who’s already cemented her position as the life of the party. If I were looking to be sent to a remote farm in bumfuck nowhere with three other sister wives, you’d bet I’d want her there.

Me after too many wines.

Oh, and let’s not forget this girl, who seems to be reenacting a scene from The Shining.

Here’s Johnny.

Obviously, we don’t have time to recap every date because there are literally 40 women here. But let’s just skip to the good ones.

Nick’s first date is with Liz. She’s a wedding celebrant and quite frankly seems more interested in starting a wedding business with him than, you know, having an actual wedding *to* him. Immediately my gut tells me that she’s going to win, but I am still rooting for Mrs Cowboy Hat.

I’m just here for the free wine TBH.

Despite her full-on appearance, when we finally meet her (Marnie), she’s an absolute icon. She tells us her idol is Dolly Parton, which is pretty bloody obvious. But honestly, she seems like a sweet angel and I will sob if she doesn’t make his top four.

“I am hooked, line and sinker,” Marnie says.

Giddy up.

Back to Alex, he calls April Jessica, which isn’t a good start to the date. But somehow, forgetting her name gives him an opportunity to show off that sweet country charm. Am I falling in love with him? Maybe a little.

But unfortunately for me, he then instantly falls in love with Henrietta (my top pick for him). They’re adorable. Henrietta, please pop his love cherry already!

Pop! That! Cherry!

AAAAANNND then he falls in love with Jessica, who literally quit her job for the opportunity to meet a random farmer dude????

When u finally pop ur love cherry

Jess and Henrietta immediately seem to have a bit of underlying tension, which will inevitably make for some ~drama~ if they both make it to the farm.

Alex also meets Sarah, who has a no-sex-before-marriage pact with herself (no shade, you do you). She opts not to tell Alex about this on her date, which royally pisses off all of the other girls.

One of the girls says she’d be upset if Sarah got picked over her, which is fucked up on SOOOOO many levels. This is our first bit of bitchiness on the most wholesome dating show and honestly, I’m over it. Sarah, you do you. If you don’t want to get your fucc on before marriage, that is fine.

Ughhhh, and then we go back to Sam, who is still pretending being Italian is a whole damn personality. Every date involves him talking about pasta, speaking Italian, or talking about how he hopes to find a girl who’s interested in his culture. Bro, calm down.

Babes, I’m sorry but if you reckon penne is better than seashell pasta, this marriage just ain’t gonna work.

Oh, and he also offers to propose to at least two of the girls already?! SAM!!! It’s called Farmer Wants A Wife, but that doesn’t mean you need to propose in the first half an hour of the season.

But if you thought Sam was keen, just wait til you meet Ainsley, who is already in love with Sam and wants him to be her Crocodile Dundee.

Crocodile Dun-do-me.

Seeing as I’ve already decided I simply do not give a shit for Sam’s story whatsoever, let’s go back to Marnie (our QUEEN) who promptly tells Neil’s other potential wives that she is “not sharing any cowboy with any of you girls, hell NO!”

Stay the fuck away from my man, Joelene.

Seriously, I cannot stress to you enough how much I love this woman.

When it comes to picking their top four wives to head on back to the farm, Alex chooses Henrietta (obviously), some girl named Brittany, who flew under the radar all episode, Jessica (much to Henrietta’s dismay) and Sarah.

Nobody calls her out for her no sex before marriage thing, thankfully.

Another girl (whose name I have immediately forgotten) CRIED. Like… fully cried when she was rejected.

But Daddy I LOVE HIM

Nick is next up to choose, picking Naomi, Liz – who still seems to care more about the vineyard than the farmer, Emma and…. MARNIE!!! Our cowgirl is going to Tassie, baby!

“I’m gonna have to get to know them a lot better before I marry them, I mean, at least a week,” he jokes.

And then we’ve got Italian Sam the Italian (did I mention he’s Italian?). His first choice is Emily, who we haven’t heard much about.

But then he sticks his (Italian) foot in his mouth by telling Nat that he “didn’t think much of her when he first saw her”, before choosing Riley as his second wife. Umm… WHAT?! Riley, I would’ve walked out of there so damn fast! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Wanna try that one again?

He also chooses Kirsten and Sophie, after much less eventful speeches.

Ainsley, who deserves her own show, gives us the sassiest exit interview of all time.

“I was definitely keen to see some crocodiles, eat some pasta and live my best life on the farm but I mean, I can go to Australia Zoo and have some pasta anyway.” MIC DROP. Yes girl, don’t waste your tears over this man!!

Australia Zoo better give this girl a free pasta dinner.

Neil, whose dates weren’t as interesting as the other farmers, chooses his top four in Megan, Chantele, Justine and Karissa.

And finally, Harry gets to choose, after admitting that he’s never seen the show and just thought Nat picked his wives and he went back to the farm.

He picks Stacey, Ashleigh, Madison (the obvious winner) and Karlana.

I still can’t get over the plethora of rugs in this room!!! Who is the set designer on this show because I have some questions. For starters, why?!

Seriously, what the fuck is this? Am I in a wine cellar or a carpet store?

To end the episode, each farmer has to pick a girl to take back to the farm a day early.

Sam chooses Sophie, Neil picks Chantele, Harry takes Madison (who apologises for her sweaty hands). Liz gets to go back to the winery with Nick early, again seeming happier about the wine than the farmer, and Alex asks Jessica if she’ll come back to check out his farm.

After one episode, I am blindly predicting that Alex marries Henrietta, Harry marries Madison, Nick becomes Mr Cowboy with Marnie and Sam yeets himself out of the competition because somebody insults his pasta. As for Neil, I’m still undecided, but I’m rooting for him nonetheless.

If, like me, you’re struggling to follow all of these different storylines at once, you’re in luck because I’ve outlined everything you need to know about each contestant here.

Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.