Dearest Readers, we’ve today been blessed with the most pleasing news that Bridgerton, our favourite horny TV show of 2021, has been renewed for a second season. Yep, Netflix hath officially blessed our loins with Bridgerton Season 2, but not for awhile. So obviously we need something to fill in the lonely nights in the meantime.
That’s where this incredibly toey list comes in. If you want some extremely hot and heavy simulated sex, these shows will deliver. And if you want more, then you know where to go. I don’t need to tell you how to use the internet.
Enjoy, sickos!
Normal People
THE breakout horny hot of 2020, which was pretty much too hot for iso, was Stan’s Normal People. Based on Sally Rooney‘s book and following the relationship of Connell (Paul Mescal) and Marianne (Daisy Edgar-Jones), this show has all your usual romantic drama plus heaps and heaps of boning.
Californication
The X-Files Fox Mulder (David Duchnovny) was a 90s sex symbol, so some TV exec GENIUS decided to cast him in 2007’s Californication (which is all on Stan) as problematic horndog Hank Moody, a writer who is having trouble writing because he’s too busy a) rooting b) drinking c) smoking weed and d) rooting some more. The sex scenes in this show are so raunchy that when I Google Image Searched it just now, actual porn sites came up. Just in case you wanted a gauge. I couldn’t even screenshot anything tame except for this:
The Tudors
If ye olde sexy times are more your bag and you can’t possibly wait for Bridgerton Season 2, try The Tudors on Stan, which tricks you into thinking you’re getting a history lesson but PSYCH! It’s actually just a bunch of kings and queens getting their rocks off. Repeatedly. Bonus points to the creators for casting a young Henry Cavill and his chiselled abs in his breakout role.
The L Word
I got into The L Word (which is all on Stan) thanks to living with a lesbian in the noughties. The OG series was pretty groundbreaking in terms of LGBTQI+ representation on telly – (here’s hoping Bridgerton Season 2 has some too) offers up some seriously schteamy scenes. Anything involving Shane (Kathryn Moenning) was a yes from us.
The Affair
I have never watched an episode of The Affair (all 4 seasons are on Stan), but I feel it must do what it says on the tin? A show about people cheating on each other? Stop me if I’m wrong here. Anyway, I hear there’s a bunch of sex scenes that are quite raunch, and some of them involve my forever crush Joshua Jackson. Wait, why haven’t I watched this yet?
Outlander
More old timey goodness while you wait for Bridgerton Season 2 comes via Outlander, which is on Netflix. It’s about a WWII-era London nurse named Claire (Catriona Balfe) who one day finds herself transported back to 1743 Scotland. Does it make any logical sense at all? Of course not! But when she’s in Scotland she meets an incredibly hot man named Jamie (Sam Heughan) and they start fucking a lot, which is all you need to know.
Game of Thrones
I feel like I don’t even need to type anything here. Game of Thrones (currently available on Binge) showed more boobies and bums and even dangly bits than we as a society were prepared for. There’s also a storyline to follow which is kind of interesting, but everyone’s lying if they say they weren’t there for the rudey-nudey bits.
True Blood
Two words: vampire sex. Two more words: Alexander Skarsgard. If you need more of a push, here’s some context: True Blood (find it on Binge) came at a time when vampires were massively trending, and made the far more tame Twilight and Vampire Diaries look like ABC Kids TV shows by comparison. (Here’s three more bonus words: Jason and Eric.)
