Folks! We’re back! Big Brother Australia is back for 2020 and we’ve already had to deal with awkward flirting, fights in the kitchen and an eviction.
My delightful colleague & PEDESTRIAN.TV Entertainment Editor Matty will be recapping the season for you, but because he has a life and I don’t, I’m working this public holiday and stepped in for episode one!
Let’s get into it, shall we?
So we opened with a wide shot of some Aussie cliffs, and the most inspiring, serious music I have heard since the 2000 Olympic Games. Taking things a bit seriously, guys?
Then we get a voice-over. ‘I’ve been watching you… Australia.” It is NOT the same voice as OG Big Brother and already for me, this is a travesty. First impressions – not very scared of new BB. Not very scared at all. Sounds more like an Aussie version of The Wizard Of Oz, but in the bit AFTER they figure out the booming voice was just a machine and the real guy is a nervous old dude in a green cape or whatever.
We quickly meet some housemates but I won’t recap that since we’ll be meeting them again.
So we all knew there weren’t going to be the screaming, live crowds for this Big Brother season – boo. Instead, the contestants get out of a town car to meet Sonia Kruger at the door. What is this, The Bachelor?
Our first dude is Kieran. He’s 21, a videographer, and a Big Brother fan. I have also learned he’s actually a super famous YouTuber/TikTok star called KDVlogs. I love him already. There’s all this footage of him waving at absolutely no one at the shops and then he tells us he’s been on his Learner plates for three years, followed by these fantastic scenes:
If I were to wildly speculate, I’d say he has vibes of Ben from whatever season that was.
Big Brother immediately sets Kieran up for failure / to become “the weird one”. He gives him a task – high five every new housemate, give them a nickname, give them each a MASSAGE, and none of them can know he’s been put up to it. ABSOLUTE chaos.
The next housemate is Zoe, and Kieran calls her “Z-Dog”. So far, she seems to just be dealing with his weird shit with awkward laughter, god help this guy if someone with a no-touchy policy comes in. Like, you know, ME AND MOST PEOPLE.
Next there’s Dan, some sort of AFL player I have never heard of but Sonia gets all giggly around him, he must be a known babe.
Update – he may be famous for being sacked from not one, but two footy teams. To be fair, it was the Gold Coast Suns (that is absolutely the name of a juice box) and Carlton, who I’ve heard a lot of people hate. This is the extent of my footy knowledge, guys.
Early prediction – all the singles will froth this guy. He seems like an Aussie hunk-o-spunk. And by that I mean, he’s fucking tall.
Then there’s this guy, missed his name but did NOT MISS THAT HAT.
Oh wait his name is Ian. He’s called into the diary room, while Zoe tells the others she’s a woodwork teacher. This was obviously her auditioning hook coz she’s all “you NORMALLY picture BIG, TATTED UP GUYS teaching this.”
Next we have Marissa, the 61-year-old makeup artist and guys, she is the best??? She’s just the best. She used to be some aerobics superstar in the 80s and now she’s just this bedazzled anti-ageist delight of a human. Also, her suitcase is so heavy both she AND Sonia have to lug it up the stairs.
This girl Casey comes in really quickly with absolutely no introduction, but she was wearing really great pants I would like so I’m annoyed I didn’t get a better look at them.
That’s probably because the next guy is Allan, who is this absolutely BATSHIT corporate sales guy who introduces himself on his audition video by screaming “ALLAN! ALLAN! ALLAN! ALLAN!” I don’t…. these people are wild.
Allan is my new favourite player in this game. Look at this shot of him with his mum and grandma. I am TERRIFIED of them:
No one else likes Allan much though, except for Kieran. To be fair he comes in guns fucking blazing, like he’s basically doing soccer victory laps around the yard and screaming. Then some other dude comes in, I’m fairly sure it’s the Broken Hill guy we saw in the initial spice wrap, but before Kieran can give him a tour he’s called to the diary room.
Meanwhile Dan The Juice Box Footy Player already hates Allan. Turns out the Broken Hill guy’s name is Matt. A bunch more people arrive and I can’t tell if I zoned out or if we just weren’t introduced to them?? Like there’s Tahlia and Xavier but then there’s another woman I’ve never seen before in my life… it’s a lot.
Then we meet Angela, this boss bitch event manager who enjoys the finer things, like constant manicures, and yelling at her staff for leaving crap on the floor.
She immediately starts sassing BB in the diary room – what a lord. Anyway, Kieran succeeds with his task, the bedroom door opens, everyone screams for no known reason. They start unpacking their shit and… did we all realise Ian has a very put-on British accent? And it comes and goes?
We learn Ian is “big into fossils and rocks” and has brought all the housemates some as a present. Which is really cute in a nerdy, adorable way but also WHAT IS WITH THE ACCENT.
I’m not 1000 percent sold this guy is actually real. He SAYS he grew up in the bush and didn’t develop many people skills as a result. But he also reeks of “actor” to me. Early prediction – this guy is actually an actor.
We cop our first look at Talia, who is 21 and is the first to flirt with Mr. Juice Box Footy. You know, “ahaha I didn’t wash my hands!” and touching his face, etc etc.
She tells Big Brother that “the tall guy” (AS IF YOU DON’T KNOW HIS NAME HAHAHA) doesn’t like her, she reckons. But she’d like to talk to him more. I don’t know you guys, I smell our first awkward pash. Big Bro tells her to go chat to him, which results in this:
The flirting makes me want to curl up and die on the floor, letting my dog eat my remains. It is SO uncomfortable to watch. She straight up tells him she was “told to clear her head”, and says “I don’t feel like you like me much.” HONEY it has been THREE HOURS.
Anyway Footy Guy is like, nah I like you more than most in here, which is code for “I wanna see your boobs more than most in here” I reckon. Anyway, she’s like ok cool and then he’s all ok cool magool matey bro. Goodnight broseph. Don’t snore ya chancer. Have a good one will ya, champ.
Well, that energy. It is 2020, I have dated the entirety of Sydney, and I swear to god I still have no fucking idea what is wrong with men’s brains.
Still, Talia loves it.
After all that snoring talk it turns out Footy Dan has a snore that’s worse than a truck rolling through Tennant Creek. I have never heard anything like it. Allan has never heard anything like it. The entire house has never heard anything like it.
In the morning everyone is like, goodbye Dan you are our #1 to boot this week. And fair enough – snoring is actual torture to sleep near. I’m having traumatic flashbacks to my ex boyfriend’s train horn nose right now.
Like with other seasons, the housemates get rationed food – porridge, basics, etc. They don’t even get bread – but they do get a bread recipe. That woman who I had never seen before puts a few noses out of joint when she scoffs at everyone having a cry over bread-making, saying it’s easy and snatching the recipe from the Aerobics Lady’s hands.
Thankfully, BB calls her to the diary room – her name is Laura, she’s 25 and she’s a dance instructor. She’s also taking control of her own hunger situation, she says – and people are just getting on board.
Laura is gonna be a firecracker in here – she tells us she’s feminist, vegan, and tells us “if you come for me, come for me.”
Allan is all “Laura’s got a target on her back, she’s rubbing people the wrong way” but then all we see is her saying totally sane things like “just wash up your own shit” and “I’m going to cook bread.” What a DEMON, right? Eyeroll into infinity.
Big Brother then calls everyone into this dungeon, where a torture device seems to be set up.
It’s actually a set of swings. The housemates have to individually lie on a swing, propel themselves using just their body weight to reach a top rung. Then they have to place a ball on five little can things – it’s weird but it just… might… work.
The big kablamo? The winner gets to nominate three housemates to go up for eviction. OH SHIT BABEY!
In reality it actually just makes me nauseous to watch. It takes the gang SO long to get even one ball up on the thingy. SO long. And you’re just watching them go back, forth, back, forth. I want to throw up my spaghetti.
In the end Talia wins. She nominates Laura because she thinks she’s a bit bitchy (basically), Kieran coz she reckons he’s not being himself, and then starts crying while deciding the third. YOU’RE TOO WEAK FOR THIS SHIT, TALIA. Her last nom is Zoe.
Everyone gets told about the noms and Laura, Zoe and Kieran look pretty hurt, although Zoe says she gets it’s a game. Kieran is worried – Zoe has become a bit of a mum in the house, so he reckons she’s safe. Although Laura has no mates, she can cook.
So he absolutely loses his goddamn mind and starts going around stirring shit? But in this totally nonsensical way, like he tells Laura to “put votes on Zoe”. Then tells Zoe to “put votes on Laura”. Doll, what is that gonna do? You need to sway the non-eviction folks.
After a lot of “have you heard anything” begging from Kieran, who is really shaken up about his nomination, and this heinous moment where they call Laura “scary” which is just…. I mean that’s a bit rich guys she’s LITERALLY JUST BEEN LIKE LET’S BAKE BREAD, Big Brother calls everyone into the “eviction room”. It’s this new, swish room where Sonia beams in live to them. The housemates squeal in delight and Footy Dan, who I now think is angling for some sort of Saxon/Gretel situation with Sonia, says “better now, thanks Sonia” when she asks how they’re all doing. Ok Casanova.
In the end, Laura gets booted with six votes. She actually looks heaps sad considering she basically was all “fuck yas all!” five minutes ago.
Look I’m a bit devo coz she absolutely would have smoked some of these people in couch arguments, but oh well! Barely knew ya. Bye, Laura.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also is legendary at posting mediocre Tweets and shit content on Instagram.
