We’ve been waiting. We’ve had alarms since we saw the paparazzi pictures of Barbie stars Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling in 80’s Lycra. We’ve been wearing pink. Everything’s gone pink, for that matter. We’ve been screenshotting pictures of Oppenheimer lead actor Cillian Murphy and wondering how an individual’s jawline game can possibly be that strong. Duck for cover, stock up on rainbow-coloured sweet things and brace for a social media flood. That’s right, it’s time: Barbenheimer is here.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or, like Michael Cera, you use a flip phone, you will know that this week the iconic Barbie and Oppenheimer movies are released in cinemas across the world on the same freaking day.
Barbenheimer, or “B-Day” as I have been referring to it, is a cultural moment the likes of which we have not seen since… well I haven’t seen this before. A double feature of two movies that could not be more different if they tried.
Barbie — a fantasy comedy featuring everyone’s favourite anatomically gifted doll. Directed by the deity of directing Greta Gerwig, the movie literally looks how fairy bread tastes.
And Oppenheimer — a Christopher Nolan thriller that, like all his films, is designed to leave you with burst eardrums, lying on the floor at the end wondering how he did it.
It’s like one of those all-nighter Harry Potter movie marathons you did with your friends in high school but couldn’t finish. You will finish this one. I believe in you.
Brace yourself. Get comfortable with screaming, the colour pink, and long lines. Here are some tips on how to survive Barbenheimer. Read carefully.
1. Work out the order
I have just spent the past two hours arguing with my friends over the order we are seeing these movies in. There were convincing arguments on both sides. The more creative one was ‘Let’s have Barbie for breakfast, Oppenheimer for lunch, then Barbie again for dinner’.
We eventually arrived at Oppenheimer first, then Barbie, then we’re going out. It sounds like a plan to me.
2. Book ahead
This is a huge cultural moment, and everyone wants to be a part of it. You might get lucky and be able to buy a ticket at the cinema. But if you want a decent seat, don’t risk it. Book ahead.
3. Choose your seat wisely
A wise old man once advised me to sit at the front of the cinema for Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk to be “fully immersed” in the action. He was wrong.
For your neck’s sake, pick somewhere in the middle, but as a general rule back is always safer than front.
4. Get comfortable (it’s a long ride)
Settle in, and wear something comfy. It’s the movies. No one cares what you look like — it doesn’t even have to be pink! Plus, you’ve got a long road ahead of you. 294 minutes to be exact. You may lose out on your vitamin D for the day, but hey, you’re taking part in cinema history.
5. Bring a change of underwear (maybe)
This may be one of the more niche tips. But you may shit your pants due to the level of cinematic greatness you are about to witness. And if you do, that’s okay. You’re not alone. I probably will too.
6. Pack responsibly
Drink water. Wear sunscreen. Pack a pillow. Bring colourful lollies (definitely fairy floss, definitely fairy bread, literally anything with fairy in the name).
7. Do some stretches
Think of this experience like a plane to Barbieland. You’re going to be sitting in a chair for a long time. Stretch those glutes.
8. It’s okay to go pee
This is advice I need to give myself. You can leave the cinema for a few minutes to relieve yourself. It’s okay. You may miss a Barbie dance number. Or a scene in Oppenheimer that will quite literally blow your mind. But that’s okay, bladder health is more important. Margot wouldn’t want to give you a UTI.
9. Go with people that don’t ask questions during the movie
There’s nothing worse than going to the movies with a friend for the first time, only to realise that they are one of those people asks a million questions. Go with a trusted friend or partner. You’ll get through it together and be all the stronger for it.
And that’s it. Get ready. Barbenheimer is nearly upon us. Rest assured you’re in safe hands. It’s Christopher Nolan and Greta Gerwig we’re talking about. Your lives are going to be changed either way.
By the end of it, your eyes might be square, your brain might be fried. You might not be able to get Dua Lipa’s “Dance The Night” out of your brain. You might be overwhelmed crying on the phone to an ex because you don’t know why your brain has exploded and you can now only see things through the paradigm of pink. That’s okay.
Most of all, please just:
10. Enjoy it
This is the moment.
I’ll shut up now. Go watch them.
Jake Fitzpatrick is a freelance writer based in Sydney.
