Thank God it’s Thursday, amirite? And it’s the end of week three of The Bachelorette, bonus! Time for the final ten to be grilled by Ali‘s friends. Can’t wait to find out which dudes can’t handle the frowning faces of Ali’s loved ones. Dw, if you’re her forever person, you’ll be seeing a lot more of that, eg. at every Christmas.
Osher arrives and everyone is very pleased!!! Weyyyyy!!! He waves around a single date card: “Is this a second date or a second chance?”
Considering only three dudes so far have even gone on a single date – Charlie, Rob and Bill – my money’s on one of the other blokes getting a shot: probably Taite, because you know she fancies that dude.
Now we know that Todd has a nose-ring, Taite would be shattered if someone got a second date, and Charlie would be beside himself if Bill headed out with Ali again, which we know, we get it, you don’t like him, shut up already.
It’s Taite, so that’s nice. What outdoorsy thing will they be doing today?
Taite’s ready to put it all on the line, and Ali is ready to do active things in her activewear/dance with him??? It’s a confusing metaphor. Second time’s the charm for Taite actually getting to go on a first date with Ali, and there’s no wasting it, she’s already run and jumped into his arms like this is Dirty Dancing 2: The Bush or some shit.
If I was mere seconds into a first date with someone and they already were touching my waist, holding hands with me, doing that run and jump thing, I’d be ready to bolt.
Apparently Osher organised them a treasure hunt, which I do not believe. Osher is busy doing literally anything else.
They’re going to drink red wine they found inside a dam, and I respect it. You’ve gotta have treats. This is actually a very neat date and we approve, can all the dates be this wholesome please? There’s a lot of winner’s music going on rn, and all they’re doing is running across a field and playing with a compass.
This is genuinely a good date and I’m not making fun of it.
I think they’re just picking up stuff for their inevitable sit-down-and-talk-about-feelings time, but guys, crack into the wine nowww. Be more like your friends at PEDESTRIAN.TV. Did Fujifilm sponsor the Polaroid selfie section?
Back to the house! Charlie thinks Taite is a threat. We need to reiterate that this is not Survivor, and who Charlie thinks is a threat really doesn’t matter.
The treasure is a snowglobe with the cover from their Mills & Boon shoot on it and wow, yuck, no, cancelled. That is the most embarrassing knick-knack.
Taite goes in for a knick-knack kiss and it’s quite sweet actually, I think I want him to win now? I didn’t think I could trust a guy who’d been on First Dates but I was wrong.
Because this was obviously filmed in late autumn??? there has to be a campfire and they’re going to have chocolate fondant and and red wine and an intimate conversation. Is this the first time the couple haven’t gotten to change outfits for the sit-down section? Anyway, Taite’s got a big crush on Ali, and he makes her nervous, and they’re so keen, can the cameras just disappear so they can get dirty in the woods? The wa she is stroking the middle of his face is super weird. Like she’s stroking his nasal ridge.
What is the nose thing? Stop it.
Anyway, he gets to play with a snowglobe and he gets a rose! Turns out it’s a good thing he didn’t get to go wakeskiing. They do lots of smooches because they’re not sure when they’ll next get a chance.
Ali says: “I’m going to be thinking about this when I go to bed tonight,” which to me, resident horndog, means wanking.
They’re all day-dressed up for Ali, and also for their good friend Osher. Her best mate Jess and her cousin Bianca are here to judge them brutally. I wish one of my mates would become the Bachelorette so the fact I hate everyone’s partner could become useful.
Do we need an additional caption here?
The blokes are shitting themselves, just as they should be. There’s lots of very visible Adam’s apples.
Handsome Todd’s turn! “So why are you single?” is a tough question to ask someone, and it’s also unreasonably mean, like being single is a problem. I’m fkn single because my UK Visa ran out, is that a good enough answer for you? They think Todd’s too young.
Let’s go Paddy. “Are you here to fall in love?” They don’t like the way he talks in the third person, doesn’t talk about Ali much.
Dan, I think? The Dans are indistinguishable. “Are you here to get yourself on television?” They don’t like the way he talks either.
Pete: “Would you move to Adelaide for Ali?” They don’t like him because they know he’s lying when he says yes.
Danny: “So if she wanted kids in the next year or so would that be something on the cards for you?” They don’t like that he honestly said he couldn’t afford babies right away.
Taite: “You think you would be a great husband and father figure?” They think he’s charming.
It’s Bill’s turn, suspenders and all. They think he’s handsome and haven’t asked him a question yet. “Do you see yourself as a party boy? Have you ever cheated on an ex-partner? Do you want kids soon?” They ask if he’d be happy to move to Adelaide, and where he sees himself and Ali in three years. They like how old he is. They think he’s charming. It is because he probably is charming, but also, maybe a racist.
But what is your honest opinion on manmade climate change?
Charlie wants him to fail soooooo badly. This protectiveness comes off like control and it’s no good, Ali, cut and run already.
Charlie is about to fuck this up, I can feel it. He really believes his job is to protect her and dob on Bill to anyone who will listen and it’s really not a good quality. You’re not her dad. They ask what he likes about her, and who he thinks might have bad intentions. The girls don’t like that he’s spending this time ragging on Bill instead of talking about his feelings for Ali. Or is that just me? Maybe they believe this man they just met and his interpretation of Bill?
To kill time while everyone’s chatting they’re all playing croquet and hanging out in the sun with Ali.
Rob’s ready to ask some questions of his own which is a lot! They’re now trying to get Rob to spill the tea, and he won’t do it. Which is probably the mark of a good man imo. He’s loyal to the boys. He asks “Do you believe Ali’s learnt what she needed to learn from the past?” They’re saying yes. They don’t like Rob, they think he’s too intense.
Bummer – our prediction that the guy the girls unequivocally do not like, as shown in the previews, was Charlie, is in fact wrong. It’s Rob, they’re not on board with Rob.
I’m cooked, aren’t I?
No one’s getting changed for the cocktail party, they’re just going to keep boozing while Ali gets the scoop from her mates.
They like Todd – give him more time. They like Taite. They really liked Danny (??) but they know he’s not ready for babies. They like Charlie as husband material. They have like answer sheets! Ali’s snooping on them!
The girls also still like Bill despite Charlie’s misgivings. They think Rob is too intense, he “spoke at you not with you“. Honestly, the guy behaved in that thing like he was going to a job interview, pre-prepared questions for his employer and everything. “Your parents wouldn’t like him, he wouldn’t fit our family.” Ali is SHOOK by this news. She never suspected he was the wrong choice, not like some of the others, who she could sorta sense.
Ali doesn’t know what to do rn, but the obvious answer is she should continue to dump dudes she wants to dump, fuck the rest.
Danny reckons he’s on the way out. Charlie wont let up on the Bill can’t be trusted thing, it actually hurts to listen to at this point. It’s like when your record skips because there’s dust on the needle and you listen to the same section over and over. Bill would like Charlie to stop talking about him please. So would all the other blokes sitting there. Charlie says he’s speaking the TRUTH. Ali turns up to cut the tension.
U WOT M8?
She takes away Rob because she needs to deal with her mates’ opinions of him. She knows if she picks him, right, her mates are just gonna be all Judgy McJudge forever right? Rob wants confirmation that Ali has worked on herself enough to be ready to enter into another relationship where she doesn’t repeat past mistakes. Ali does not want to hear this. They both are very confused and won’t say what they mean. Rob knows he fucked it.
Hello darkness my old friend.
ROSE CEREMONY! Seeing all these close-ups I’m wondering if they have an in-house barber to keep their sides so very, very short.
A guy who has gotten literally no airtime gets the first rose. Like he didn’t get interrogated at all. Like he doesn’t exist. Okay Daniel. Only now are all the cutouts in Ali’s dress obvious. It’s spicy.
There’s still heaps of blokes standing there waiting for roses when she decides to take Danny outside for a chat. She decides to stop the waiting for a rose process and instead tell him they’re just good friends directly. What he says is actually really nice.
Goodbye soft-spoken former policeman.
The other dudes are alerted to this development by the shutting of a car door. And Osher returns to nick a rose, which means she can dump another guy!!!Flouting the laws of the rose ceremony! Shock! Horror! “The rose ceremony will continue.”
Quick! Someone call another car!! We’re down to Pete and Rob, and fuck just dump ’em both right now.
Will she give Rob another shot? Will she trust her mates? TENSION.
Pete’s gone. Sorry Pete, we knew nothing about you, and your absence matters to us not at all. I’m mostly wondering at this point how they attach the roses to the lads’ lapels. Still, brutal move to send Danny home gently but not Pete. Pete can just stand there with the jitters, but not fragile Danny.
Until next week, lovebirds.