‘BACHIE’ RECAP: It Is Far Too Cold For These Two To Be Humping Underwater

It’s good to be back for another Bachie recap. It’s week five of The Bachelorette, which puts us so damn close to the finale. And Hometowns is bloody tomorrow! I get my nights back!

Osher heads over to meet the boys and he brings PRESENTS. Presents being a rack of lederhosen for the boys to wear on the final group date. The boys love the fashion!!! They’re like ’00s teenagers in Supre. Is that deer head in the Bachelor mansion as well or is it a masculine home furnishing added for these big manly men?

Passion for fashion.

My high school German tells me that Bill’s recollection of his high school German is surprisingly solid. And it seems reckless to have the guys car pool to this obviously beer-related date. Drink-driving is no good, didn’t Osher tell you that?

Anyway, Osher has a big laff at the boys in their little outfits when they arrive for Oktoberfest, Bachelorette-style. Ali’s gonna choose to have one-on-one time with whoever drinks the most beer has the most fun. Looks unlikely that person will be Charlie, who is too busy competing to have a good time.

Ho ho ho, cool outfits. guys.

Anyway they’re tossing pretzels and it’s part of some larger game and the joke is the biggest tosser is Charlie! ROFLMAO.

Bill fkn loves sinking piss and watching Charlie fail at the game, except Charlie does okay in that he gets to dump sauerkraut on Bill’s head. When Charlie eventually gets him back, it seems like there was more in his bowl. Everyone smells like sauerkraut by the end. But Ali’s loving the whole thing, they’re all laffin’. And Charlie’s peeved she still likes Bill even though he smells bad now. The look on his face? Pure fury!

Got ‘im!

Time to play with beer steins blindfolded, and the best at it is Bill. Charlie thinks he should be because he has the biggest hands. We all know what big hands means! Massive wanker! The high point is Taite pushing his crotch out, and mostly pouring beer all over it. Bill has literally never seen anything funnier in his entire life. Everyone here would be very comfortable with all the other rowdy tourists in Munich next September. Ali is giving Charlie really bad directions, which means he’s spilling the beers. Like he keeps bumping into casks. Oh dear.

This is the most erotic image I have seen in my entire life.

She decides to take Bill away for one-on-one time, and Charlie’s fumin’ because that is his main mood.

This is now an ad for Deliveroo, so they order sausages lol to wherever the hell they are and hang out with candles and Tanqueray gin. They’re having martinis which is brave. Jesus. Do they have olives at least?

Apparently more than just Charlie are badmouthing Bill, so let’s see how this goes down.

So Ali wants to know what Bill how would the future happen, with his business for instance. He says he would drop his business for her – which feels like a lie – and move to Adelaide, just start again. No need for Ali to compromise, not like there’s plenty of radio ad exec jobs in Melbourne. Anyway this impresses her, she loves that he’s putting her needs before his own, and decides to ignore all her misgivings about Bill. No she’s decided he’s genuine and gives her one of those very open-mouthed adult kisses. Wowee.

Big mouth strikes again.

Taite is the first to cop a second single date, which is a good burn on all the others. Probably bad news for Daniel, who has not been taken on any dates, and now wont before hometowns if he even makes it that far. Ali wants to make sure he is more than a good kisser.

Time to go swimming in a rockpool. How did Taite know to bring swimmers? Must be pretty cold considering this was probably filmed months and months ago in the dead of winter and they always seem cold when they go outside at night! But who cares about the weather, they need a chance to bring in the purest Bachie trope: pashing in water.

In a piece to camera, Taite says he had to dump a girl because he had fallen out of love. He talks about how hard that was. Wah, wah, Taite. I am entirely unsurprised about that one.

They’re answering deeply personal questions now. He’s worried he doesn’t even have the capacity to love, which ties in pretty neatly to that whole falling out of love dumping thing.

Now Ali wants to know if Taite would be open to getting engaged by the end of the year. She’s freaking out in the lead-up to asking – she is all of us asking a question we don’t want to ask a boyfriend because we already know the answer is no good. Like when you ask ‘Why are you being so weird around me lately?’ and then they tell you the reason and dump you.

Will you marry me?

Meanwhile the boys think Taite being withholding emotionally might equal mystery which could be in his favour. They effectively say that their relationship is physically intimate, not emotionally intimate. And he needs to open up.

He’s not ready but he says if it feels right he would, but they’d have to live together and spend a lot of time together first. He also admits he experiences self-doubt. With a face like that! No!

She is asking Taite for reassurance that he feels a connection and instead of saying that he says she should follow whatever connections’ strongest and he just wants her to be happy. He says “I like you, Ali“, which is something a shitty boyfriend says when they would like to keep having sex pls but don’t want to fully commit.

Anyway, she’s annoyed he wont fight for her and express his feelings, because his self-doubt gets in the way. She pegs him as a risky choice. He is a risky choice. But he still probably should beat the others. Charlie is controlling, Bill’s a bit racist, Todd‘s too young, Daniel’s too quiet.

But do you love me?

Alright, cocktail party o’clock. The sequinned rainbow dress (?), playsuit (?), is no good. No one has a rose yet because she wants to be mysterious herself.

Daniel spirits her away to try to save his arse. It is awkward. He keeps letting slip stuff about it hopefully not being their last night together. He seems so peeved by Todd interrupting. He was maybe about to put his feelings on the line and he doesn’t because he was put off??? Poor bloke. He’s decided tonight’s not the right night to say what he wanted to say – he won’t say what. Poor guy in his too bright suit. She’s obviously crushed and thinks he’s going home. He’s probably right.

I wanted to say… nvm.

I wish in cocktail parties they could all hang out together. They have one-on-one chats and leave the others just to talk to each other about whatever it is groups of dudes talk about. Sports? EDM? Taite is now anxious he hasn’t been forthcoming enough – doesn’t get a final chat.

ROSE CEREMONY! Roses for Todd, Charlie, Bill.

Good chance to make Taite scared, but we all know she’s sending home softly spoken Daniel. She likes charming, outgoing men. That’s her truth.

And the last rose for Taite, obviously. Who’s our final two? Taite and Bill? That’s my money.

No roses for poor Daniel. Probably regrets not saying his final piece now. I hope he finds his first proper girlfriend. But really the question must be asked, how did some guy no one knew a thing about last this damn long?

I am relieved I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.

We don’t know. What we do know is that Osher’s suit is wonderful.

Ahh can’t wait to Bachie recap tf out of hometowns. From those previews it’s gonna be spicy as hell.

Until tomorrow, lovebirds.