HOLY DOOLEY, as Angie would (wrongly) say – it’s the second-last episode of The Bachelorette, baby! We’ve made it! Only partially scathed, it would seem!
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We’re down to a top three for this episode – Ryan the Snake, Timm the Loveable Moron and Carlin The Beige Home & Away Actor. Which one will win Angie’s heart? Let’s see.
So we start the episode with Angie brushing her hair in the mirror like she’s never done it before, Little Mermaid style minus the fork.
She’s getting ready for her date with Timm, who is standing around in the bush where the producers have dumped him.
Angie meets him, they kiss. Then there’s a dull roar – a bizarre, heinous three-wheeled motorbike turns up for NO REASON AT ALL. There is literally no reason for making these two buzz around in a tiny zippy vehicle manned by some rando.
They buzz up to this canvas surrounded by paints and flowers. It looks like a wedding setup which Timm jokes about, but it’s actually for painting! Using your bodies!
I thought this was going to get us some Timm butt exposure but sadly, we did not have a Ciarran moment. Instead, both of them get into dorky overalls and paint each other’s faces – again, for no reason, because they end up using their hands to draw sunflowers and throw paint on top of them (also, for no reason).
After the date, they go sit down to have an intense conversation, of course. Timm declares his feelings in his adorably clunky way, saying he’s falling for her and sees her in his future etc etc, then gives Angie this winning smile and honestly? This smile would make me just birth his children on the spot.
But Angie is still a bit unsure – is Timm serious enough about her? Can she trust him? There’s all this chit-chat about risk-taking and Timm being the biggest risk blah blah FUCKING HELL ANGIE! THE MAN IS A GOD! Just take him! It is frankly rude that you’ve been gifted this man AND CIARRAN and have never just whisked them behind the bushes for a quickie already, tbh. Do it for your sisterhood! Do it for me!
Then it’s time for date #2 with Ryan aka SnakeLord. Fucken SnakeLord, man. Untrustworthy as shit! I now hate his Voldemort face.
SnakeLord and Angie go whale watching and see one lame dolphin. They also get sea sick. This is because his horrible snake energy put all the whales off. Even Migaloo was like fuck that guy. Actually, of course Migaloo fucked them off, he sucks. He prob would have galloped over if he knew SnakeLord was on the boat and done a Free Willy jump over them in praise.
Anyway, I digress. They sit down and it’s all “I’m falling in love with you/my expectation and reality totally matched up/you’re the most beautiful girl/blah fucking blah I’m a lying trash receptacle”.
Angie seems to be falling for it but who can tell, the woman has great poker face.
Then it’s Carlin Date. Angie hoons up in a bloody UTE and the energy levels have never been set to bogan more. I adore it.
At least this car has a tenuous hook to their date – they drive to absolutely nowhere and then sit in the back with a red wine.
She brings up the Next River Boy thing again and then in INCREDIBLE AREAS says “but if you were that good of an actor to fool me, you wouldn’t be on this show…” DEADDDDDD!!!! Slay him Angie!
Anyway extra extra read all about it – he’s also falling in love with Angie. SHOCKER.
Nothing else of note happens and then it’s rose ceremony time! Everyone looks ready to do a nervous diarrhoea but none more than Angie, who paces around like she’s about to do a nude Maxim shoot after eating a burrito. Which, to be fair, could easily be in her future if she wanted it to be, I’m sure.
The boys line up, Osher solemnly explains the happens-every-fucking-week situation to them, then Angie gets going. First through is Carlin – and then all hell breaks loose.
Angie breaks down in tears, proper ones – not River Boy Carlin ones.
She walks out (!!!) of the rose ceremony to cry with a producer, who 100% is like “do I get paid overtime for this shit”.
She says she’s not sure what decision to make, and she can’t face the conversation she’s going to have to have with the loser. But eventually Osher walks her back in like he’s leading her to the abbatoir.
Time to go… SnakeLord. BYE, BITCH.
Angie breaks down as soon as she gives Timm the rose, which puts him in the position of consoling a woman he likes who is crying over another dude. Incredible shit.
Eventually she pulls herself together to talk to Ryan. He is VERY ego-bruised but taking it on the chin for the cameras. Angie seems genuinely cut up about the whole thing, and says through tears that Ryan deserves someone who knows how they feel, and she couldn’t give him that. INTERESTING, no? Is Angie just unsure in general? God, the drama. I live for it. The spicy meatball!
After Ryan is shunted off in the rental limo, Angie breaks down AGAIN. The woman has cried her yearly ration of tears! Her tear ducts are going to seal up! Or worse they’ll do what mine do and connect to her nose and sometimes when she has a cold, she will sneeze and some liquid snot will come out of them. If anyone is a doctor, pls advise on Facebook what to do about this.
Getting free medical advice via Bachie recaps! What a time to be alive!
Anyway, this time she’s crying because she DOESN’T KNOW IF SHE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. Actually, she sounds pretty sure she made the wrong decision! HOOLY FUCKEN DOOLEY, BATMAN! She keeps saying “that was the wrong choice” and “why did I do that”. It’s very, very dramatic and very concerning.
We literally end with her sobbing on a random couch some poor producer was probably forced to lug up a hill solo, so Angie could flop on it for ten minutes. Does this mean she’s gonna call ahead and tell the limo guy to turn around to bring Ryan back? And he’ll be like “I’m only on the clock until 9pm, that’ll cost you an extra $50”?
We will find out TOMORROW, I’m sure.
Love Mel (and also Josie who is usually doing this recap, but rudely went on “holiday” to “relax”)? You should listen to our podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.
