BACHELORETTE DRAMA: Alex, Of No Fixed Address

My god. Not to put too fine a point on things, but last night was one of those episodes where not a hell of a lot really happened but somehow they still managed to get 70 minutes of OK television out of it.

It was kind of like a bag of onions. Nothing much to look at. But parts of it still made you cry.
But despite all the nothingness, there were still 5 key moments from the Home Town Visits episode that were all utterly brilliant. Each for their own unique and wonderful reasons.
THE FIRST THING: Sam’s Magnificent Hustling of Michael

HOLY SHIT. Sam pulling the hustle to end all hustles on “goalkeeper” Michael was a thing of absolute beauty.
Firstly, Michael has Sam meet him at his old football club. Presumably because he’s got the real estate listing on the clubrooms, or something like that.
Michael’s plan here is to put on the goalkeeping gloves and let Sam take a few pot shots at him. Y’know, doing that manly thing blokes do where they stop a few but then let the girl get a win because blokes and macho and owwwwwsitbloodygarrrrnlove? and shit like that.
Not only does Sam pick up on this instantly, but she leans further into it by asking “Are you allowed to use your hands in soccer?” which just about gives Michael a small aneurysm.
So Michael’s standing on the goal line thinking he’s gonna come out of this looking like a total hero, only for Sam to swing her leg and BLAST one straight past him.
And then she does it again.
And again.
And again.
It’s fucking glorious.
They’re not flukes, either. She’s hitting top corner, sneaking it under the crossbar, smacking side net. She is rattling twine with ferocious consistency, to the point where the only ones Michael actually stops are the ones that go straight to him – and given Sam’s form, it’s entirely likely that it’s she who’s tossing him the occasional soft ball so he can feel better about himself.
And Michael’s reaction? Utter deflation.

Honestly, you could not have scripted it any better. That kind of deflated male egotism is so rich you could spread it on toast.
By far and away, it’s the best thing to come out of Michael‘s family visit. The only things that come close is his Dad immediately asking if Sam is “thirsty,” and the grand, sweeping romantic gesture that Michael managed to sneak out of the house like he was 14 and nicking off out of his bedroom at 11pm to share a stale dart with 3 mates behind the supermarket loading dock.
THE SECOND THING: Alex Might Be An Actual Homeless Person

Sure, he’s English. So it’s natural to assume that his family isn’t here with him. But the fact that they couldn’t pull any of his friends in to substitute?
And then they have to fly his sister in from New Zealand – whom he hasn’t seen in six entire months – just to flesh out the segment. A thing which he springs on Sam as an absolute last minute surprise.
I don’t want to cast aspersions on the guy, but let’s look at the facts here.
  • No known family in the country.
  • Sister flown in from elsewhere after six months apart.
  • Clothes that often feature raggedy, or mismatched items.
  • Is enraptured with the location of the date and says, “I thought it would be nice to spend some time in a (beautiful) house.”
That, my friends, is classic vagrancy behaviour.
‘Course if he is a Vagrant, he’s easily the most attractive one in the world.
Dat smouldering gaze.

THE THIRD THING: The Greatest Facial Expression In The History Of Television

Mother. Of. God.
First of all, Richie brings in practically everyone he’s ever met to join in with the family grilling of poor Sam.
And I mean grilling, too. Look at the way they’re all set up.
And they’re a fair motley crew as well, ranging from the one guy who I’m pretty sure might be a little bit in love with Big Rich…
…through to this bloke who read the pre-prepared questions like a fucking CHAMPION and got the on-air kudos that he thoroughly deserved.
But all that is rightfully dwarfed by this.
The most magnificent, perfect, wonderful moment ever broadcast to Australian TV screens.
This once-in-a-lifetime, game-changing, utterly spectacular shot, the likes of which you’ll tell your children about for decades to come.
It is awe inspiring. It is heart warming.
It is this facial expression shot by Richie’s pal “Patrick” (I think) when Rich and Sam walk through the door.
I want to Civil Union the shit out of that facial expression, and live with it together in perpetually taken aback harmony.
No words. No words to describe it. They should’ve sent a poet. *SNIFF*
THE FOURTH THING: This Bloke Who Shows Up During Sasha’s Wine Date

This isn’t the bloody X-Factor, m8.
THE FIFTH THING: The Most Awkward Exit Of All The Times.
Firstly, Tyeson’s Law of Rose Ceremony Jackets (it’s a thing) again rings absolutely true.
Richie wears a blue crushed velvet jacket, which – as the aforementioned law dictates – renders him completely un-eliminatable. It’s a thing!
With all rose ceremonies, we must cull the herd once again. And it’s Alex’s reluctance to go all-in that is his undoing (possibly also his potential drifter lifestyle too, unsure), and he has to go.
But not before throwing out the most awkward goodbye you’re likely to see in a good while.
What’s he even trying to do? Is he lingering for another hug? Is he adjusting his jacket? Is he trying to give her the cool guy waist high sideways peace sign?
Ahhhh, Alex. You beautiful mystery.