I mean, we all knew this Zoom dating, lockdown Bachelor business was going to be the absolute worst. But I don’t think I’d anticipated just HOW The Worst it would be, you know?

This episode was truly hard to watch. Props to the producers for trying but Jesus Lord in Heaven, could we try a little LESS? The desperation for my viewership is STENCHY.

First we just cop everyone at home doing cliche lockdown things. Bella’s baking!! Someone’s lying on the couch with their phone! The only person I truly related to in my soul was Juliette, whose brain was fundamentally broken and had reached “dancing alone in lounge room” level of iso.

now this was the reality of lockdown people

All the girls get delivered a present. It’s a laptop! That they absolutely didn’t get to keep! They open them individually and on the screen is Osher, trying his damned hardest to make this Zoom lockdown Bachelor situation seem SUPER fun and SUPER romantic!

it’s not working Oshie

Literally everyone is trying so fucking hard to seem excited about what is the lowest form of dating in existence.

so excited to die inside every time I log in

Then he calls them all on Zoom. It’s just a mass of women yelling really loudly like Boomers and then Osher yelling really loudly like a Boomer, except with added green screen.

WHERE’S THE MIC ON THIS THING

Next thing we know, he’s bringing in Locky who is going to tell us who he’s taking on the first virtual date. Nicole looks like her couch just made her orgasm. Can everyone RELAX IT A BIT?

It seems like Locky’s been left to live rent-free in the Bachie mansion which is a MOOD.

ok this is rude

Meanwhile Osher is so green screen it hurts but is actively pretending he’s on set. I can’t guys, come on. Make it better please.

seriously guys, the edges of his face are glowing like radioactive Mr Burns

Izzy gets the first date! She’s delivered a basket of food and when she Zooms Locky in, he’s ALSO got a basket of food! They’re cooking but also chatting awkwardly to each other!

imagine waiting for a date with Locky for 40 years and you cop this shit
just smile for an hour then you can cry yourself to sleep, Lock

Once they finish cooking, they sit down for virtual din dins. There is a lot of cheersing the computer and looking dead behind the eyes.

Meanwhile this chick, whoever she is, tells the other girls on a very forced Zoom “girl hang” that she has NOT called Locky ONCE and has only responded to his texts to her. Everyone else is like “oh I’ve been chatting to him every day lol” so she’s like:

cool i’ll go fuck myself then

The only person with less Locky-time has been Maddy. Who is Maddy? Mood. Who cares since she’s absolutely going home at the end of this episode. She tells the girls she’s had like one text from him. DEAD. SCREAMING.

Over at Casa Forced Romance, Izzy gets in the bath (!!!) to Bath-Zoom with Locky.

honestly what fresh hell is this

It is as bad as you are thinking it is.

the comical floaties won’t fix the sound of your soul dying, Locky

When I signed up for Bachelor 2020 as a viewer, I was not anticipating people in bathtubs cheersing their GoPros while trying not to drop their laptop in the toot. Just not what I came here for, guys.

Anyway, Locky does his most Oscar-worthy impression of someone smitten with Izzy after one long, horrible Zoom date. He “gives” her a rose, by which I mean a rose magically appears near the bath. What.

Then, there’s a group date! Comical onesies are involved! In other news, I want to die!

Please, try less.

The outfits are hideous but of course, Bella somehow manages to look like a supermodel in her bee costume.

Omg lol guys how HIDEOUS are these ha! Lol! I look so stupid lol!

Once everyone’s settled, Locky “arrives”. He tells everyone they’re all going to play a little game Osher has prepared. It seems Osher has been moonlighting as Jigsaw because the game is fucked.

Basically everyone can ask anonymous questions about what people have been up to in lockdown. The questions roll in thick and fast, but the highlights are: Juliette had told some girls in confidence that she’s been celibate for 12 years, after deciding to pursue God after her first boyfriend.

There’s always one Hillsonger

Like, that’s a BIG thing to get revealed during a group date. Worse still is Roxi – she gets asked about her “secret boyfriend”. She’s all pffffffttttttsssshhhhhh what secret boyfriend ahahahahahahahaha what??? Before getting typical levels of Roxi-pissed.

Pissed but make it kawaii

She’s so angry that someone stitched her up, she actually leaves the group date by logging off. Next minute, it’s time for the rose ceremony! It sucks! There’s a full 30 seconds of blank green screen with the sound of Osh banging his wedding ring on a glass, for example!

seriously are you guys just not trying now

The first person Locky takes aside is Roxi. She tells us she’s ~not here for drama~ and is so stressed that Locky has taken her aside first.

I am sick of the drama I just want to fly under the radar and also cry whenever Locky is talking to someone else

After five minutes of boring chat, Irena interrupts by popping up in the Zoom. When Roxi goes back to the girls, Juliette – clearly spurred on by desperate producers – starts asking her why she was offended by the question.

Starting to think Juliette is a programmed bot made by the producers who malfunctioned here

It is so fucking boring – it’s clear Juliette is stirring shit because someone’s asked her to, and it doesn’t even really work. Roxi just gets annoyed and then yeets out of the group chat.

Then it’s time for the equally horrendous virtual rose ceremony!

MAKE IT STOP

It is awkward as fuck. Basically, each girl has a rose next to them, but they only pick it up if Locky “gives” them a rose. It whittles down and then it’s this random who gets booted.

Bye….. you

Her farewell is literally her being humiliated in front of Australia and then switched off the screen. Unbelievable.

stick a fork in me, I’m done

Next week is MORE Zoom (make it stoppppp) involving parents! I really hope we go back to the mansion asap, I can’t take much more of this.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and enjoys long walks on the beach with her dog Moo, until Moo rudely does an aqua turd. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter