We’re reaching the pointy end of The Bachelor Australia with only five — yes, FIVE! — women left vying for Bachelor Matt Agnew‘s heart and roses. Because the finish line is looming, the claws have well and truly come out, which we saw last week with Elly summoning her inner demon to heap shit on self-proclaimed Sex Queen Abbie.

Once a wholesome frontrunner, it was a risk for Elly to go all Mean Girls because blokes bloody HATE that shit. As always, PEDESTRIAN.TV’s got a recap for you coming in hot, but it’s just me (Josie) bringing it your way as my usual co-pilot Mel is on holidays. So guess I’ve just dive in solo then!

First up, Osher appears from his home in the wall just for some fresh air and maybe to beg the women to help release him from his tiny prison. But also to congratulate the women for being the top five left in the competition!

Bachelor Recap
pls i beg u set me free

It’s super tense though because as we saw last episode, Elly (taking up the role vacated by Sogand) has decided she hates Abbie with a passion and wants her out. Adding to the tense air, it’s the final group date and this means everyone’s jostling for Bachie Matt time so they get to go on hometowns.

*shoot death lasers out of eyes*

The gals show up on the group date to find Osher, Matt and… a random woman. I was about to fly into a rage that it wasn’t Gai Waterhouse, the only random woman allowed to make completely pointless Bachelor cameos.

actual image of osher and matt questioning the lack of gai waterhouse

But then I realised it was Dr Nikki Goldstein, friend of P.TV and legendary Aussie sexologist. I’ll allow it! On cue, Abbie reveals it’s her life ambition to be a sexologist, because remember everyone she is SEXUAL and none of the other girls are. She’s very convinced of this fact, purely based on the fact that her and Matt have pashed to lipstick-smearing levels a couple of times and the others only have ~emotional chemistry~.

It turns out that the group challenge is to press their bodies up against a blindfolded Matt to see which one gives him the most instant semi while the rest of the gals watch on. Once again the producers decide to torture the girls as much as possible by forcing them to watch the guy they like cuddling up on other ladies. It bothers Abbie the most – she appears as if she wants to leap through the screen and throttle each and every woman, while convincing herself out loud that everyone else’s chemistry is, you guessed it, emotional not sexual.

Bachelor Recap
*wills penis to remain flaccid*

After all, Abbie is the Queen of Sex. When it’s her turn, she starts clawing at Matt’s back and he instantly starts sweating profusely. But Bachelor Matt picks Sexless Elly as the best hugger anyway, much to Abbie’s disgust. The next challenge is staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes, which is a fucken eternity. Honestly I would struggle to look into Keanu Reeves‘ eyes for that length of time. Abbie turns hers into an impressive eyebrow-led mime routine but it’s all in vain because he picks Elly for the solo date anyway.

the higher the eyebrows, the higher the sex drive

She gets the solo date and to be honest I was just WILLING her via the TV airwaves to not delve back into her Year Nine persona of last week and start shit-talking Abbie. I am still unsure on my opinion on Abbie, but I do know that a date is not the time to bring up another lady. Especially when it’s neg stuff. It starts out well, with Elly saying she feels like she could spend the rest of her life with Matt but obviously since he’s dating five women he just smiles and thanks her politely, some really Ryan Atwood areas.

Just when I had hope that the old Elly was back, she just couldn’t fucken HELP HERSELF, could she. Suddenly they’ve gone from a lovely tender moment to “Abbie isn’t here for the right reasons”, surely a phrase Bachelor Matt is getting sick of hearing now. Elly flat out says that Abbie wants to be famous on social media. And guess what Elly? Men HATE this bitchiness, all of his semi-erection from the cuddle challenge is gone now, as genuine as your intentions might be.

The next morning, everyone is really depressed about Elly’s date because they think she’s already won this thing, especially Sex Queen Abbie who has only had one date, and it’s hard to flaunt your sexual chemistry when you get no alone time with the bloke in question.

Bachelor Recap
how do i hump my way out of this one

Luckily, Matt shows up in a truck and asks Abbie to help him move. Abbie is all happy about her single date but once again I can’t think of anything worse than moving house? it is literally one of the nightmares of my life. Once again if Keanu Reeves asked me to help him move I’d be like sorry, doll, I think I’m washing my hair that night.

The other girls seem to think it’s great that Abbie has been taken on the date so that Matt can find out what she’s really like, but if she’s given a Logie worthy performances until this point, you know she’s gonna keep it going. Case it point, this moment she “tripped” and “fell” on the bed. What a “klutz”!

*falls and arches back in perfect unison*

After a lengthy session of kissing and leg humping on their new bed, Matt ends up confronting Abbie about what Elly (and before her, Sogand) have been saying about her. Abbie becomes instantly emotional but with absolutely no tears, saying she doesn’t want to be involved in the Instagram world at all.

*wills tears to come*

Back at the cocktail party, Elly is nervous because it seems to have finally dawned on her that mercilessly dragging down another person might not be the best way to a man’s heart, and also maybe that Bachelor Matt might have told Abbie what Elly said about her.

Bachelor Recap
imagine a world where gossip gets back to someone, ay

While Abbie says she doesn’t want to talk to Elly, Elly decides to take her aside and get everything off her chest. Abbie says she doesn’t want to talk about it, telling the camera Elly is a horrible person and that she makes her “feel sick”. Honestly, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Hats off to the producers and editors for this storyline, neither Abbie or Elly are coming off very well and when tonight’s rose ceremony began I had no fucken idea how it was going to play out. I was genuinely nervous watching it.

Of course harmless Helena is first cab off the rank, but then Matt throws a curve ball and calls out Abbie’s name. I mean, even she seems shocked at this point. But this woman deserves a Pulitzer prize, a Logie and the Survivor prize money for her performance in this show. Well bloody played. I may not agree with it, but on some kind of deep demon level, I respect it.

you’re a complete idiot but sure I accept this rose

Elly, on the other hand did not play this well at all, finding herself in the bottom two with former stage 5 clinger but now nice, normal Emma, it’s the latter who scores the final rose, leaving Elly blindsided by Bachelor Matt’s decision.  Elly, Elly, Elly. You were the frontrunner from the beginning. All you had to do was focus on the task at hand and not let Abbie distract you.

Bachelor Matt takes a devastated Elly outside while the other stand around shellshocked — aside from Abbie who seems openly thrilled by the turn of events. Matt spins some shit about basing it on the “strength of connections”, but we all know he just wasn’t vibing being teleported back to the high school quadrangle thanks to the Elly vs Abbie drama.

Hometowns tomorrow and I can’t bloody wait to see who Abbie demolishes next.