Well, myself (Josie) and my dear colleague Mel were all het up for a night of DRAMA in tonight’s third episode of The Bachelor Australia, because we got confused with spicy “coming up” trailers and thought tonight was the night that Bachie Matt Agnew scolded all the ladies for wasting his time.

But then we watched the entire episode and that moment did not eventuate. Still, thanks to Nichole being an absolute psycho we still got a fair helping of drama thanks to her sheer hatred of fellow blonde sports-liker Monique. Let’s, er, kick off (with this GIF of Mary playing footy):

MEL: This is what happens at the beginning of every week of Bachie, Josie. I forget everything and anything that happened before. Who are these people? What are we doing here? Eventually I worked out what happened thanks to the incredibly fake “recap” Vakoo asked for bc she was off sick. Vakoo, you slept in a bed in a dorm of these women. You know what’s gone down.

The Bachelor Australia
i am frankly shocked at this brand-new information

JOSIE: “SIX PEOPLE WENT HOME?!!” Yes Vakoo, that’s why there were six less people at the breakfast table this morning. The conjunctivitis clearly messed with her acting skills. After the fake recap we were whisked straight to…. Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne, which was momentarily disorienting until it became apparent that it was randomly time for Elly‘s “hometown date” which she scored in episode 1 thanks to the Golden Ticket.

MEL: Oh. My. God. When they said hometown date I was picturing Matt taking Elly to meet some mates of his at the pub, and taking her out to his fave restaurant. Not Matt and Elly doing a weird ad for Flemo Racecourse, complete with sad horse-walking around a 4 x 4 metre stretch of lawn and…. GAI FUCKING WATERHOUSE?!

The Bachelor Australia
that’s right it’s meee bitches

JOSIE: So when Matt was like “We’re gonna meet someone very important” you absolutely know Elly was getting her face ready to meet, like, Matt’s best mate. And then it’s old bat Gai Waterhouse? And the exciting bit was getting to wave the Melbourne Cup around? And also ride a horse around a small patch of grass for 10 minutes? It was honestly the worst date I think I’ve ever seen in Bachie history.

MEL: I honestly think if I got the golden ticket and then was told it would actually be a horse racing ad extravaganza, I’d be like bowing out. Anyway it got kind of cute when they made it to the drinks and snacks bit, I thought.

JOSIE: Yes, it was a lot of gazing and smiling and laughing and they’re clearly very comfortable around each other, which is nice. But as we were saying while it was happening, there’s something a bit off there, like you almost can’t picture it as a real day-to-day relationship. Like what would they talk about?

The Bachelor Australia
elly is THIS grateful for her gai waterhouse meet and greet
The Bachelor Australia
did i mention i play SPORTS

JOSIE: “I play sport!” Yeah whatever, congratulations, allow me throw throw you a limp shakas. There was a literal AFL Women’s player watching on and let me tell you, she could flatten you in two seconds, Nichole and Monique. Quick segue to discuss how, on the flipside, Mary was completely useless at footy.

MEL: Omg, Mary my MVP. First she was absolutely ramming competitors to the ground – such a mood, getting Sin Bin in the worst game of footy that’s ever been seen. And then she manages to drop every ball and subsequently trip over them all. Fantastic stuff, it’s what I’m here to see really.

lol what the fuck i am doing

JOSIE: I can imagine it was very painful for the professionals to witness. Anyway, the Old Girls won so Nichole got to go on and on about how she won it for them blah blah. So Matt picked her as the best and fairest so she got a single date. Sadly for Nichole, she appears to have no real personality whatsoever. Like, after rattling off the 160 sports she’s played, she had nothing else to bring to the table. She just seems stiff and awkward around him.

MEL: He clearly isn’t into her and she is clearly just here for the Instagram fame and competition aspect, and it SHOWED. I was shocked he gave her a rose, to be honest. The chemistry levels were as strong as a soggy sandwich.

The Bachelor Australia
elly i will stick this in your jugular hun
MEL: Yeah he was clearly overwhelmed but it’s like, HI MATT, you decided of your own free will to be The Guy on a show that, quite frankly, is entirely about you flirting with 28 women to find one woman you wanna bump uglies with forever. Part of the deal is that you get a bit swarmed by interested admirers and you must get to know them.
The Bachelor Australia
how dare there be another blonde person who enjoys sporting activities i swear to GOD

JOSIE: First we had a Second Persian, now we have a Second Dirt Bike Girl. It’s just not on, Mel. Not on at all.

MEL: How dare this woman who doesn’t really look like me at all have an adjacent interest to one of my own. It is a SCANDAL. So no surprises but Monique’s shit bush forage gets her a rose and the date card.

The Bachelor Australia
tee hee hee what fun it is to crush Nichole’s dreams
JOSIE: And she’s as smunty as all hell about it. For this entire time Nichole has been talking Rachael‘s ear off about it, who only seemed to be half-listening and just saying “That’s shit” at well-timed intervals. So then when Nichole STORMS OFF crying, Rachael has to follow after her. Then it goes to an ad break and then Nichole is fine? A very anti-climactic reality TV storm off, imo.
The Bachelor Australia
famous last words from someone who absolutely gives a shit

MEL: The storm off was so weird too, she completely snapped and like you said – WHY did she think she would cop another date with Matt when she JUST had one 0.002 seconds before this whole palaver? So the rose ceremony was boring as fuck. We got down to the last four (with three going home) and I shit you not I had no idea who ANY of the women left were.

JOSIE: Yes, one was called Jessie and one was called Jessica and honestly they were probably as interchangeable in Matt’s brain as they were in ours. Also the other one was my girl in the office sweep so all I know is, there goes my two bucks.

MEL: Damn, RIP Josie in the sweeps. My gal is Abbie, and it looks like tomorrow night she pulls some SPICY smooching magic out of her bag of tricks. So I’m feeling hopeful.

Love Mel and Josie as much as I do? (yes, I am Josie, what of it?) Listen to our true crime podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour!