In a sad state of affairs, it is just me, Josie, recapping tonight’s episode of The Bachelor Australia as my colleague Mel is currently winging her way to LA and couldn’t join me. Weird because we do a chatty recap and this is going to be extremely one-sided, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Last night’s episode was a little bit of a snoozefest, but Bachie fans were treated to high drama in tonight’s episode. We had fighting planes! A highly-sexed photoshoot! And and even more highly-sexed cocktail party! I’m just gonna dive right in, because it’s, uh, only me here.

So we start off with Monique on her Cool Fun Active Girl date that she scored in yesterday’s ep, so I’m guessing somewhere at the mansion a very salty Nichole was cutting up all of Monique’s clothes with a pair of extra sharp kitchen scissors.

I also hope no one tells Elly that Monique got to ride in a red Ferrari on her date, it certainly makes the lame horse-riding around a small patch of grass on her date look pretty shithouse.

Monique and Matt go to an airfield where Matt announced that it was an aerobatics date, which immediately gave me flashbacks to the time my family did this as a “fun day out” and it ended with mum spewing down the side of the plane after doing one too many flips. I’ll be honest, I was quietly hoping Monique would do the same thing.

if only this man was there all those years ago to save my poor mother the embarrassment

But first we had a quick interlude of everyone back at the mansion, as they continued the storied Bachelor tradition of ear-splitting screams over who gets to do the group date. They’re literally like a bunch of boomers on a The Price Is Right re-run. Come on down, indeed.

it’s a NEW! CAR!

Back at the airfield and it turns out the romantic single date is actually some some kind of WWII reenactment? Which is a weird flex for a romantic single date if you ask me, like trying to shoot each other out of the sky isn’t a great way to get to know each other, but hey, maybe I’m just old fashioned.

‘READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?’

Finally they stop flying and do the romantic cheese plate moment, right in front of the exact type of plane that once wore my mum’s spew in the mid-90s. Bless. One thing that has shocked me about Matt in this series: he is such a Big Kissy. I actually thought he might be going for a cheek kiss but then it turned into a mouth kiss with Monique.

is it just me or can you smell the faint whiff of 1990s vomit too

He loves it! Loves to kiss! He’s already kissed so many of these ladies, some multiple times. And I thought Honey Badger was horned up. Matt clearly likes Monique but seems a bit like gobsmacked by her? Like maybe he’s slightly more comfy around Elly. Just my thoughts.

The facial expressions when Monique walked back into the mansion all smug after the date waving her rose around were solid gold. Can’t decide if I love Nichole’s stabby stabby death stare or Nikki‘s face-melt more.

it’s totally fine because i cut up all your knickers, bitch
i can’t believe you got a rose on a dating show where the premise is all about being given roses

When we got to the group date I was greeted with the second person I know on Bachie! Yesterday I knew the AFL player, and now TV Week’s editor Thomas Woodgate. I won’t link to his Insta like I did with AFL man, because Thomas is married. Sorry, ladies.

Meanwhile I adore the annual magazine shoot date, it’s my favourite episode of any given season. You can play a drinking game to it, that’s how reliably bonkers it is. There’s always someone who has to wear the most unflattering outfit known to man. There’s always asshole girls who stand off to the side cackling at someone else’s shoot. And there’s always one saucy lass who tries to stick her tongue down the Bachie’s throat and makes it v. awkward to watch.

just here to snake out your toilet, don’t mind us

Mary is once again the MVP of group dates when she decides to strip off her 1800s top and smoulder terrifyingly at Matt. Incredible stuff from Mary yet again. While I don’t necessarily want her to win Bachie (because let’s face it her and Matt haven’t really talked and thus far have no real chemistry), I also don’t want Matt to ever get rid of her. Maybe he could just keep her around for purely comic purposes but disqualify her from the actual romantic side of things? I need Mary in my life, the day she gets rejected will be a sad one indeed.

i will eat your soul tee hee

Meanwhile the Sogand and Matt shoot got pretty sexual, and clearly Abbie was like “game on moll”, because she then turned her photo shoot into a softcore porno by draping herself all over Matt’s crotch and positioning her mouth 2mm from his mouth. I’m not even mad, it was well played from Abbie and actually worked, because Matt got all flustered and probably forgot every other girl’s name.

i’m sorry where am i again

It went straight from group date to cocktail party, and in the middle of Sogand and Abbie smugly describing their ~incredible chemistry~ with Matt at the group date Osher appeared from his home within the walls of the mansion to say that Matt is waiting in the orchard to have one on one time with someone, and that someone will either be Sogand or Abbie and everyone else has to vote!

yes i live just behind that gold curtain

Like Mel said in the last recap, it’s incredible how demonic the producers have become this season. It’s like Survivor with whitened teeth and sequins. We all know these women want to rip each others’ jugulars out and now they have to VOTE for someone to have one on one time with Matt? Plot-writing genius.

Hilariously, the other ladies really seriously sat and strategised about who to send, and the general consensus was that he and Abbie’s connection was just a sexual one and that Sogand is more of a threat, so by sending Abbie, Matt will learn that there’s nothing more than hot sexual chemistry between them. So by this insane logic, Abbie somehow won by a fucking landslide.

you stupid, stupid bitches

Nerd Matt in his specs can barely speak in front of Abbie, who in turn cranks the smoulder up to 3,000 for the occasion. Naturally the pair of them were macking on within 25 seconds after Abbie SWORE she would NeveR KiSs HiM WiTh EveRyOnE ThErE.

LIAR

Abbie swanning back into the cocktail party saying without being prompted “It’s a LOT!” with her red lipstick smeared all over her face was a mood. Wow guys, sending her on that date really backfired. Everyone was commenting how hurt and betrayed they feel, but it’s like… what did they expect Abbie and Matt would do with their alone time if they nearly licked each other’s faces off when surrounded by people at a photo shoot? Sit and exchange pleasantries about the unseasonably warm weather?

that feeling when your senseless plan completely backfires

The rest of the episode was pretty nothing, although for a sec I was honestly frightened when it was between Vakoo and Isabelle for the final rose. Vakoo is the queen of the world. Even when she tried to hug Isabelle instead of accepting her rose because she was so upset, I was like — nothing but respect for MY president.

As a sidenote, it’s pretty fucked to be the solo reject. Poor Isabelle.

love to be singled out for humiliation on national tv

Til next week – when my mate Mel will be back in the game and the Bachie maybe gets called a “dog c*nt” by one of the girls. Cannot wait.