We’re getting down to the pointy end of The Bachelor Australia 2019, and that means people start behaving even more batshittily than usual.
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Tonight saw Bachie success stories Sam / Snezana and Matty / Laura school Matt Agnew on how to determine which lady is his 2getha4eva love, a single date with Emma and a shitload of aphrodisiacs, and the most tense cocktail party we’ve ever seen.
As always, we’re recapping it for ya. Here we go.
JOSIE: So we kick things off with a large gift-wrapped box that the girls were secretly hoping either held a) Bachie Matt clad in nothing but glasses and a bow tie or b) a puppy. But instead it was all this baby shower paraphernalia, which honestly would have been a letdown for compared to those options, but it had them all in a bit of a tizz. Emma was positively glowing, probably hoping that she would be getting knocked up that arvo.
MEL: What the fuck were they expecting from that baby shower shit, I would have been like “ok has this show now become The Impregnator and suddenly I’ve signed a contract with a hidden clause that says I have to leave with a womb full of baby?
JOSIE: A couple of the gals looked semi-alarmed by it, tbh. But then we as viewers are told what is going on — they’ve dragged poor Sam and Matty J back from the Bachelor archives along with their pregnant partners Snezana and Laura to help Matt, a man none of them have ever met, pick a lady.
MEL: Part of me was like fuck yeah this makes perfect sense having ex-Bachies school the new Bachie on how not to fuck it up, but the other part of me feels like, you literally do not know this man from a bar of soap. What could you possibly help with when it comes to helping him choose the love of his life? So the two preggo couples sit around being smug and in love, constantly kissing each other, which was a lot.
Then Snez and Laura went over to the mansion to judge the girls harshly based on one single interaction, and decide who was worthy of a dinner party invite with the old Bachie couples and Matt.
JOSIE: I really enjoyed when Laura and Snezana popped out of Osher’s home in the wall cavity to surprise everyone and spread asbestos. A lovely moment.
MEL: They were really excited to be free of that cavity, Laura practically broke her face smiling. Also, why was everyone losing their goddamn mind like Prince William and Kate were being brought in for a tea party? These women are literally the current contestants just circa 2016/17. Everyone pretty much peed their pants in excitement, it was so odd.
JOSIE: The contestants are clearly dedicated viewers of Australian reality TV. They were screaming as soon as there was a HINT of who it was. I thought Elly was going to pass out at one point. Massively ego-boosting moment for Laura and Snez, that reception! I have to say though they took their task very seriously, didn’t they? It was like a very beautiful job interview when they were quizzing people. They didn’t fuck around, which I can relate to as an also pregnant woman who just wants to be in my bed at all times.
MEL: They were like how quickly can we get this over with so we can take our heels off and get into our Qantas pyjamas. I felt like they had a good read on everyone – I think they saw through Abbie’s perfect answers, and saw that Sogand was just a drama stirrer these days. But I was a bit like WTF when they chose Helena as Matt’s perfect match.
JOSIE: I think it was that line of her being like “I don’t think I could fall in love on this show at this point, we’ve had one date.” Instead of everyone else who was like “Yes I’m 19 and a half years old, but boy jeez am I ready to procreate!” I think they appreciated that she wasn’t laying on the BS quite as thick as some of the others, maybe? But tbf I think even Matt was like WTF when she walked into the dinner date.
Also quick segue, has Sam Wood borrowed Osher’s hair from Season 2?
MEL: This explains a lot about Osher’s hair. Sam ripped it all off his scalp at the finale of season 2, and Osher has been painstakingly growing it back to it’s original height since. I did feel like Helena grew on me during that dinner date, and maybe I’ve been too quick to judge her considering she’s had 0.004 seconds of screen time up until now. She got along well with everyone and was really good at expressing herself without sounding like she had a wedding dress packed in her suitcase.
JOSIE: Yeah I don’t mind Helena and I like that they picked her, actually. Because she hadn’t had much time with Matt and she definitely seems on the same life-page as him, more so than some of the others. And when they did pash a coupla eps back it was pretty hot! But I got the vibe has was kinda hoping for someone else to show up. Like it was a pretty cold, boring dinner party. Maybe they cut all the zesty small talk out and just focused on the interrogation of Helena. But it wasn’t like, flirty and fun.
MEL: And weirdly, Emma’s single date with Matt which followed this dinner thing was really flirty and fun? Emma’s been set up as this psycho stage fiver this entire season, but if you removed the crazy-person music the producers layered over her date with Matt, it was actually cuter and vibier than his Chelsie dates in my opinion. I wouldn’t say she’s my pick for most-chemistry-with-Matt, but it wasn’t beige and uncomfortable either. Well, except for the fact they were basically filling some chocolate with every possible aphrodisiac known to man for no good reason.
JOSIE: And using it as an excuse to take each other’s butt temperatures (?) and then pash in the middle of the lesson (??). Did you notice how the chocolatier lady just exited stage left because suddenly Matt and Emma were snogging like a pair of teenagers? I feel like she was offended that they weren’t taking the art of chocolate making seriously.
MEL: Omg I was thinking “god I hope they’re not tonguing in front of that poor chocolatier. She did not sign up for this M rated private cooking class”. She was definitely over their shit, but also seemed obsessed with dumping as many sex drugs into that one batch of chocolate as possible.
JOSIE: You’re right, it’s the chocolatier’s fault for dumping 1kg of ecstasy tablets into the chocolate mix. She created her own monsters.
MEL: So then Emma and Matt go for a cute picnic with their sex chocolate and Emma is VERY upfront about what she wants from their relationship.
JOSIE: With Emma I am like yes, they edit her a bit and put the psycho music over her and 85% of the time she’s just a nice, honest person who wants to find love (not Insta fame) and is upfront about that. Which I think is fine and not crazy at all. But then she just goes that sliiiight touch too far, like saying how many kids she wants specifically. It’s fine to just leave it as “I can’t wait to have kids, ideally soon, ‘cos I’m 30 and am happy with what I’ve achieved in my career” or whatever. I think there’s a fine line there and she sometimes crosses over it. But they really had a nice date and are very comfy and affectionate, so maybe Matt likes the specifics?
MEL: Yeah he seemed to vibe her even though we sat through 20 minutes of carnival clown music layered over their entire date! So then it was meanwhile-back-at-the-ranch time, and another tension filled cocktail party.
JOSIE: Okay so what the fuck was happening at that party? Osher comes over with two date cards and tells the girls to “take the initiative” if they wanted time with Matt. You and I said to each other while watching… wouldn’t you just grab the date card and run? Which on cue, Sogand did. Well played. But then there was some weird Elly meltdown?
MEL: Literally all these women ever do is take the initiative? Has Osher not watched a single second of the first few cocktail parties where these women were body-slamming each other to score some precious time with Matt? It was 100/10 just an excuse to create drama, which it did. I am so intrigued by Elly’s meltdown, we couldn’t decide if she had some secret she needed to reveal, or if she was just getting antsy coz it’s nearing the end.
JOSIE: It was really fucken weird. The girl has been on 640 dates with Matt. She has been on more dates with Matt than I have been on with my boyfriend of 10 years. I do not understand the sudden need for solo time with an apparently urgent thing to say? She was getting really teary. Plus Emma and the others were like ‘A hundred percent you need this date card”. Apart from… Abbie.
MEL: Oh, my god. Look I was coming around to Abbie last week because I felt their carnie sex tornado date was actually quite cute, but she’s really proving to be one of those out for numero uno types isn’t she? Like sorry but of ALL those women, Kristen was the one who should have gotten that time? She’s had one date with the guy. It was like Elly-4-dates arguing with Abbie-3-dates while Kristen and Chelsie sat there like chopped liver.
JOSIE: Yeah, I think Abbie got “initiative” confused with being a ruthless competitor. And then Elly, the lovable IDIOT, gave her the fucking date card! Elly, WHY. To add insult to injury, Abbie and Matt’s one-on-one time was just more of the same stuff, and then when she came back all she could talk about was eating a raspberry off the cheese plate.
MEL: That was BRUTAL – Abbie coming back to just joke about a raspberry while Elly sat there glaring daggers. Even though I didn’t entirely understand why we were meant to side with Elly on that one, her emotional response seemed legit. It felt like we weren’t privy to some info or something. Anyway her quiet tanty was for nothing because Matt still picked her, and Abbie. And my fave Kristen.
JOSIE: And Abbie’s true mission — to end Sogand forever — was achieved.
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