Guys I love Bachelor In Paradise but I do NOT love a) that this is the final week (what? how? is it definitely or did I imagine that?) and b) how it’s on 40 times a week. I’m exhausted! I feel like when you went to school camp and got home all emotional from no sleep, except it’s Bachie related exhaustion. I want to cry and also hug my teddy bear.

Like literally we aren’t doing ANYTHING, it’s a fucking pandemic! Stretch! This! Shit! Out! Don’t make me do four episodes a week, I’m stressed by a show that’s meant to be my daily reprieve!

Anyway, we come back to the aftermath of that rose ceremony, where Cass picked Jackson before Brittney did. Brittney is PISSED, but she’s also copping it for choosing Scot over Jamie, which seems fucked. Naturally, the copping it is coming from Mr. Bro Code #2, Timm.

is this a hangover or is it timm talking to me

She ends up storming off in tears, with Scot – probably trying in vain to strike up a romance this late in the game so he can make it to the finale – running after her.

Cass talks to Jackson with a hefty bit of smunty “ohhh Brittney’s upset lol”, but he’s just watching Scot and Brittney like:

why is my WOMAN CRYING WITH ANOTHER MANS

Eventually, he pulls her for a chat and you can tell he has more spark with Brittney, which is nice for her! She deserved a guy who was keen on her and her only!!

Meanwhile, Cass goes to bitch with Kiki and Ciarran, saying she has to do what’s right for her, blah blah. As I said when it happened – why couldn’t she just let Britt have this one and pursue Jackson AFTER the rose ceremony? Seems normal and wise? Whatever.

While they’re chatting, we cross live to Renee who is explaining to Scot how shady Ciarran is, while taking approximately 90 years to tie her hair in a ponytail. Seriously, she fluffs it out no joke 20 times before eventually, at the very end of the convo, pulling it into a pony. Don’t ask me why I got so invested in her hair process.

I’m glad we got there in the end

In the morning, things are a bit less tense. Ciarran takes his swan for a tour of the sludge!

i can show you the world

Brittney gets swarmed by a praying mantis which is my deepest most deeply rooted fear!!

honestly this is a better horror story than hereditary

Mary and Conor tour a sewerage site!!!

watch out for that toot paper babe

It’s all happening folks. On the Brittney/Jackson front, they kissed AGAIN last night, which basically means he’s going to propose to her in the finale. Cass, meanwhile, gets grilled by the girls over her paddle boarding convo, which we’re finally privy to. Yep, she really did say she was giving her rose to Scot coz it was damn clear Brittney and Jackson had something going on.

But surprising none of us, Cass is completely unapologetic.

just so we’re clear, you aren’t sorry you blindsided Brittney by changing your mind 0.02 seconds before the ceremony

Like, REALLY unapologetic.

like, you’re sure about this stance. this is the hill you wanna die on

But while she’s totally unapologetic for, you know, telling Brittney she wasn’t going to pick Jackson and then at the final hour, saying no actually, I will pick Jackson – she does feel she needs to chat with Brittney.

The chat is basically Cass saying she had to do what was right for her, and then Brittney whacking her over the head with the “well Jackson and I kissed last night again” mallet. What follows is UNCOMFORTABLE.

I mean, I am still screaming internally about what we just sat throguh and I don’t know if that will ever stop. THAT WAS BAD, BAD, BAD.

Basically, Cass is chatting to a producer about the whole thing, I assume straight after she’s found out Brittney and Jackson have kissed again. Which, you know, would have thrown her – I get that. I haaaate being surprised with information that will throw me, and that’s exactly what happened to Cass so I get that she’s trying to save face and all of that.

But! She “saves face” by absolutely slamming Brittney to this producer. Saying things like “I mean, it’s BRITTNEY, you know?” and laughing. It’s fucked. I’m sure she’s watching it and is dying inside, and I really hope it makes her think long and hard about how she thinks regarding other women.

never do this again

I don’t want to get too moral here but we’ve ALL said nasty shit about our “competition” before. Lord knows I have, and I probably will again because we’re human and when we’re hurt, we say mean shit sometimes.

But there’s a difference, I feel, between talking like that to a close mate who will keep it vault, and telling a producer on television – knowing (like how could you NOT KNOW) it’ll likely be aired to the nation. That’s fucked. No way around it. That being said I am sure Cass is being absolutely destroyed by viewers right now on social and no one deserves that level of hate, so I feel for her a bit you know? Like watching that back would surely be mortifying enough to never, ever be that nasty again?

But then I  feel even worse for Brittney because she deserves better than that, and SHE probably feels like shit watching someone say horrible things about her like she’s not worthy of someone falling for her. That’s bullshit and I hate that she has to see someone implying that about her. She’s amazing! Easily one of my favourite personalities in all of Bachie history. Ugh, it’s just a mess.

Anyway, we move along to what’s going on with Ciarran and Kiki. Ciarran says he’s obsessed with her, I personally smell a “I would like to remain on Bachelor In Paradise for as long as humanly possible” motive. Then Alex is grilled about Keira. He’s less than enthused. Guys, Alex just reminds me of every ~born 2 surf~ dude I’ve ever dated, you know the type? Like they’re perfectly happy to hang with you, but also disappear for an entire month on a surfing trip to Indonesia they “forgot” to tell you about. That type.

*2 years into relationship* yiewww soz I thought we were just hanging out haha you’re a good one tho ay

I do not predict a bright future for this romance. In fact, I feel like Alex will forget to break up with Keira and will just sort of waft off into the ocean again as a show exit.

Then, alarmingly, we get a new person? I thought we were done with newbies but apparently not! It’s some woman called Keely that I have no recollection of!

who are you!

While I couldn’t recognise her next to a bar of soap (??? is that the saying?) she’s a stone cold BABE and also far more on Alex’s wavelength than Keira is, it seems, although who would know – when Keely and Alex go have a chat he seems interested, but I also think he would seem interested if the producers gave him a fern stem to talk to for five minutes. He’s permanently stoked on life which is a wonderful trait, truly, but also makes it fucking difficult to determine if he’s stoked on KEIRA or KEELY or just having a good one with the boys.

I miss my fern stem

Keira is off it.

first I was competing with a fern stem, now this

Elsewhere, Renee and Matt are bonding over how shit Ciarran is which, look, isn’t exactly a healthy foundation for a relationship.

ah yes, the strong roots of all relationships. Hate!

They talk about how Kiki doesn’t know Ciarran’s true self, etc etc. Mary and Conor, meanwhile, are playing chess!!! Can you even HANDLE THE CUTENESS!!!!

look at these adorable nerds

Honestly. These two make me believe in love again.

Next thing we know, Timm marches in with a date card. It goes to… Cass? Who of course grabs Jackson and marches off smuntily going on about stepping on peoples toes.

Alex has a DM with Ciarran about Keira. Ciarran reckons she’s too intense for Alex, who is clearly so chill he’s practically a piece of seaweed letting the ocean take it where it may. He also has never had a girlfriend.

Honestly these two have one of the strongest relationships in Paradise at this point.

do you want a lock of hair for under your pillow

He tries to basically break up with Keira, but she isn’t having it. It’s like Alex going “I would like a break” and Keira’s like “wow you are so in touch with your emotions, how amazing, love you see you in five minutes.”

We choof off to Cass and Jackson on their date. Guys, I can’t even fuck around with the sludge comments – this looks epic.

wow it’s actually a good date

They have this awesome snorkelling date, and then sit down for some cheese and fruit – dream life! They seriously got the best date, why. Anyway, Cass is super awful about Brittney AGAIN, which a) sucks in general and b) isn’t going to win you the battle for Jacksons heart, because I do not remember Cosmo/Dolly giving me the sage advice of “destroy someone else in front of the person you like, it will make them fall in love with you!!!!”

He says he’s torn between them both, and someone else torn is Alex. Keira has flat out refused to acknowledge the whole “give me space” business and Alex is subtly trying to push her away by giving her all the energy of a dried out sea cucumber

not even a fresh sea cucumber blissfully rolling in the waves, a dry dead one

Next minute, Oshie arrives to tell everyone about the Bula Bonita. We immediately snap to it after the break – first up, Cass and Jackson walking in post-date… hand in hand.

this is exactly how I would deal with the situation, too. Mash before pashes.

It is awkwarddddd. Which Alisha says but I like to think we really wanted to say “that was FUCKED”.

you did, didn’t you.

It gets even worse – a bunch of questions are directed at Jackson and Cass, which leads to Jackson saying he is now leaning more toward Cass interest-wise, and that he’d give her his rose if he had to tonight. Poor Brittney is devastated, and I’m devastated too! DON’T DO BRITTNEY LIKE THIS, JACKSON!!

do not do that to this beautiful sunflower sunshine goddess!!!!

The next set of questions are about Alex and Keira. He says he would pursue Keira on the outside, but also says it’s why he’s been addressing issues they have as a couple. Pretty mature tbh, but also doesn’t bode well for them considering they have so many dramas already.

THEN, someone asks Keely who she’s keen on in Paradise. DEADDDDD. She is DEADDDD. We are all DEADDD.

this is the physical representation of DEADDDD

Eventually she admits she has a vibe with Scot and Alex. This then leads to a question for Alex about who he’d take on a single date right that second. After projectile vomiting a bunch of nonsensical words about being open hearted. Kiki is like:

ohgodohgodohgodohgod

KEIRA is like:

my fork is centimetres away from your dick right now, just so you know

Eventually he spews forth the truth – he’d have taken Keely. Keira is incensed and storms off crying, which made me feel bad for her! Honestly the guy is 26 and has also never had a girlfriend, it doesn’t surprise me that he’s gone about his interest in Keely the entirely wrong way.

She has her mini breakdown and returns which was hugely impressive IMO. I would have just snot-cried into my pillow and then never emerged from my gremlin hovel again.

The next question is for Renee and Matt, asking them if their relationship is legit or just revenge on Ciarran. HAHAHAH WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS SAVAAAAGE!

i would like to be removed from this narrative

Alisha’s RSL pour is my entire mood right now.

could i get another, thanks

Renee and Matt both vehemently deny their relationship is anything less than legit. The next question is for Kiki, something to do with Ciarran and honesty. It basically comes back to this – Ciarran apparently boned Jess when they were together, and Renee reckons Kiki has NFI. She whispers with Alisha down the end of the table and Ciarran gets wind of it.

you can take your “pspspspspspspsps” and GTFO

To be honest I kinda was on Ciarran’s side here, is that crazy? I hateeeee when people whisper stuff in front of me and then won’t tell me what they were saying, which is exactly what was happening to him – except it was also clearly ABOUT him. Not a vibe. He’s been a total fuckboy in Paradise, AND a possessive prick – but that doesn’t make their behaviour okay, you know? God, why am I Mrs. Moral tonight?

After the Bula Banana, Ciarran and Kiki are fuming. They have a hectic convo with Alisha, who apologises for the whisper convo but says she just wanted Kiki to know the facts. Ciarran’s off the whole thing and gets super mad at Alisha for interfering. Again, I kind of feel for the guy? He’s been pummelled multiple times now for cheating on Renee, which he’s repeatedly apologised about. If Kiki doesn’t know about Jess and how intimate they were, then he’s a new level of shithead but at this point, it’s people assuming she doesn’t know… ugh, I don’t know what I think. Mrs. Moral hangs up her hat.

The next bit is HECTICCCC. BRO FIGHT BRO FIGHT. FIGHT OF THE BROS. Brodown throwdown. Which in my head looks like this but with bros:

In case you couldn’t tell, there’s a fight. Well, an almost-fight. Basically Matt, fired up about Timm talking shit about him and being all Mr Bro Code, has a go at the guy.

I know two seconds ago I was feeling bad for Ciarran but I’ll say this as a sort of umbrella of NOT ambiguity over all my thoughts – this guy and his double standards can GTFO along with Timm. Neither of them have any iota of a leg to stand on with this Matt-is-a-dog shit, and honestly it’s alarming behaviour in 2020. Grow up.

So anyway, Matt gives it to Timm, Timm claps back, it gets heated, Ciarran for no reason gets involved, then ALL the bros are in there. The gist is that Matt reckons Timm’s making Paradise hate him, so he is asking everyone if they hate him. Glenn is absolutely Switzerland and is like:

ummm i like you both equal amounts hahahaha please let me go

From there, it just descends into chaos. All the girls are standing around looking equal parts awkward and MichaelJacksonPopcorn.gif, while all the guys are gently trying to pry these three apart.

ah yes, the classic “come at be bro” stance

Eventually Matt and Ciarran go forehead to forehead (honestly, what are men) before security intervenes as well as Alex and Jackson.

as I said, what are men

The whole thing is absolute mayhem. Eventually Kiki corrals Ciarran and whisks him off to their demountable.

Except when they go back to their demountable, Kiki says “if you’ve got anything you need to tell me, do it now,” and he just casually goes “well I fucked Jess.”

Guess that answers the question of whether she knew or not.

Kiki is LIVID, as you would be. And Ciarran just makes it worse by storming out while she’s yelling at him! Mate! Get your shit together, Carol!

We leave things there, but tomorrow looks fucking wild. Now CASS is keen on Alex? What in fresh hell is this??

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.