Another week, another episode of The Bachelor Australia, which is shaping up to be quite the spicy meatball of a season indeed. I have to say, when I heard the protagonist was an astrophysicist I had my doubts over how entertaining this series would be, but Bachie Matt is a delight and the casting directors have done a frankly excellent job with the Bachelorettes.
[jwplayer TbIvUgrd]
As usual, I (Josie, Pedestrian’s head of editorial) am here to recap the ep for you, but sadly my trusted cohort Mel (senior style editor) has been struck down with a virus, so there’s no banter, just my stream of consciousness thoughts. Sorry in advance!
We open the episode in a post-Monique world, after she got booted at the height of the Dog Cunt drama last week, and Sogand is already very much on her “Abbie is the devil” crusade. It seems Helena appears to be right there with her on this particular line of thinking. I have to say it’s funny to me that Sogand sounds genuinely terrified of Abbie, as though instead of just some light reality TV scheming Abbie is going to suffocate her with her own pillow in the middle of the night.
Osher appears from his home in the wall to announce a single date first-up, adding that there is a blindfold involved which the girls all start fanning themselves over, but as a true crime aficionado it doesn’t scream sexy to me, it screams “TED BUNDY” but maybe that’s just my cooked brain going into serial killer overdrive.
Token Thirtysomething Clinger Emma finally gets her solo date, which you absolutely know Matt didn’t select her for but the producers did for maximum cringe. Emma has spent a lot of time talking about Matt but not actually to Matt? Like I don’t think I’ve seen them interact once since the first episode.
Side note: I had to lol at the blindfold just being one you get on a Jetstar flight and not a sexy 50 Shades type one.
The date is a taste-testing challenge in which Emma loses her actual shit over eating a truffle (?) which she has mentally convinced herself is a tarantula scrotum and not a sought-after delicacy. Of course, it takes exactly two dishes for her to bring up the words “wedding cake”, which you straight up knew would happen because she cannot help herself.
After the feeding of one another they go into another room where the token Woolies cheese plate and Jacob’s Creek pinot grigio is laid out, and Emma is simply “blown away” by it all. Honestly it’s a very basic setup, this woman is the definition of easily pleased.
Emma starts talking at Matt saying she feels strongly about him and that he “means the world” to her and I yelled out loud while watching PLEASE GOD JUST STOP. Clearly she’s just nervous and had a case of the verbal diarrhoea, but it seems Matt doesn’t mind being the target of her vocal bum explosion.
Shockingly, he gives her a wooden version of her “I love being in love” line from episode one, and she breaks down into actual tears over it. I feel like any other bloke would run for the actual hills because EMOTIONS, but he’s all for it and gives her a rose. He likes that she’s there for the right reasons and for that I actually like him more. I am a big softie after all. Am I going to cry Emma-sized tears? Maybe.
She gets a nice big pash at the end of the date and I love this for her (and did not see it happening, to be brutally honest).
Next up it was group date time and everyone is tizzed up as if they’re off to the races, which gave me false hope that another random Gai Waterhouse cameo was incoming. Sadly, it didn’t eventuate, and neither did any kind of explanation for the “fancy garden party” dress code. Maybe they just got bored cooped up in the mansion and decided to play dress-ups.
Turns out it’s less of a group date and more of a Hunger Games as dressed by the Myer ladies department, because the producers decide to make the girls vote on each other’s qualities again. Because that turned out SO well last time. As one of them says it is “twisted” and yes of course it is doll, but also we as viewers adore it.
The gals have to rank themselves on certain personal traits and Abbie hilariously bullies her way into being the number 1 honest person, which has everyone dying because as Mary says: “That bitch lies a lot.” I could not put it better myself, Mary, thanks.
I was willing the Selfless Five (literally the name the show gave the voting panel, not me just making up a dumb name) to just write Abbie down as “least honest” anyway, but they bloody vote for Mary, so are all dead to me because Mary is a straight-shooting queen.
The two winners, Brianna and Abbie, are then forced to write down their ideal relationship qualities and declare them to Matt, which is projected on a screen to everyone else. Seriously, what the fuck is this? It’s demeaning as hell and obviously extremely entertaining, as are the faces of the other women watching Abbie lie through her teeth about, well, lying.
They’re willing poor Brianna to nail this, because they clearly hate Abbie, but Bree is awkward as hell. I do feel for the girl, because when in history has anyone else been forced to recite from a diary to someone they barely know about what they want in a relationship? It’s NOT REAL LIFE.
Predictably, Abbie cops the rose and everyone is suddenly very interested in devouring their product placement ice cream when she walks in twirling it smugly around.
The cocktail party this week involves Matt making the rounds of the seven rose-less women and dishing out roses as he sees fit. Truly, truly brutal. Kudos to the producers because their insane scheming in this episode drives Sogand to breaking point and she straight up confronts Abbie about lying over wanting marriage and kids.
Abbie pulls the classic “I’d like to be excluded from this narrative” card, fulfilling her destiny as the Taylor Swift of the Bachie mansion. Her reaction causes Sogand to pull this face:
Elsewhere, Matt bundles poor directionless Brianna into a limo and blesses awkward Nikki’s life with a rose, which causes her to have an Emma-level meltdown.
When the others cotton onto the fact that Brianna has been booted outta the mansion, they realise that once again, demon / villain / scheming genius Abbie has manipulated her way to the top. Sogand sees red, and I’m seriously concerned that in the next episode she might feed Abbie to the resident alpaca.
She actually might do it, and you know what, folks? Only tomorrow night will tell.
