Once again, The Bachelor Australia is bringing the spice — courtesy of the simmering hatred between contestants Sogand and Abbie — and once again, I am recapping alone like a sad forlorn old man who lives in a lighthouse with nothing but a one-legged seagull for company.

My usual recapping pal and colleague Mel is currently struck down by a virus, probably napping under an enormous pile of tissues. So it is me, Josie, talking to myself (and you) about all the Bachie drama this evening.

We open the episode with Kristen just randomly on a single date with Matt — my co-recapper Mel will be thrilled as she firmly believes Kristen is a dark horse and could be Matt’s perfect match. There’s literally no setup for this date whatsoever, maybe they just cut the usual mansion date card opening and squealing session for time?

The Bachelor Recap
seriously how the fuck did i get here

They meet on a jetty somewhere and Matt seems determined to make Kristen forget about China, where she lived for two years in case you missed that the first 400 times she said it, and realise how amazing Australia is by taking her out on a kayaking adventure.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
what, you mean there are OTHER countries?

Honestly, I have not missed the Token Oriental Music that Ten has played every time she comes on the screen, and they’re really getting their money’s worth because its back with a vengeance in this episode.

After practically drowning in the river — which if it’s the Hawkesbury River they need to be careful, there’s a monster out there — it’s fun game time! They play noughts and crosses and the prize is a foot rub, honestly my worst nightmare. Please do not touch my feet, ever, or I will reflexively kick you in the mouth.

Back at the mansion and the gals discuss Kristen’s date with Matt. Abbie, delightful as always, takes the opportunity to say that the date will be shithouse because she and Matt have better sexual chemistry, finishing with a lovely to-camera comment of “I’m sorry but Kristen’s not sexual.”

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
*wills Matt’s penis to retract into his body upon seeing Kristen*

Things take an alarming turn at the jetty, where it appears Matt is smearing poo all over Non-Sexual Kristen’s face. Apparently this is quite the mating ritual for them, because it leads to some pretty heavy pashing. Which, might I add,  Non-Sexual Kristen totally instigates. Sex Queen Abbie would be pleased by the boring, stale, frigid energy coming off these two right now.

The Bachelor Recap
no hormones were heightened in the making of this single date

Again back at the mansion, and the episode’s editors found some space for group date card reading and squealing after all. Sogand gets pissed off that her arch-enemy Abbie is coming on the group date with her, Cassandra and Elly. In fact, Abbie seems to be the only one excited by her name being called out.

Image
*crickets*

The group date turns out to be the Meeting of the Loved One Date which I am so here for, especially because it’s Matt’s bestie Kate, a woman! And a woman will be able to see through all the bullshit! Maybe it’s good that she is meeting Bullshit / Sex Queen Abbie, who haaaaates lying you guys.

Osher surprises the four girls with their loved ones, and three of them are reunited with besties and Abbie with her older sister, which causes her to have a complete meltdown. Obviously Sogand does not buy this display of emotion, because she pulls this face:

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
what the actual shit

Later, she briefs her friend Max on the Abbie drama and says “I don’t like her”. Like all good best friends worth their salt, he pulls this face:

The Bachelor Recap
yep okay i hate her too

I do like that Max gives Sogand the advice of “you do let things get to you too much”. Sometimes I do worry that Sogand will let her hatred of Abbie consume her, and end up with her getting booted for being too much of a bitch. Guys tend to hate that dramatic shit, as much as we love to watch it.

Of course Kate’s chat with wholesome Elly goes well, but meanwhile Cassandra’s falls a little flat because guys, she is BUILDING HER BUSINESS. Honestly, between Cat last year and Laura the year before, where are the producers getting these jewellery designers with BIG BUSINESS GOALS. You can see Kate’s eyes glazing over as she listens.

The Bachelor Recap
oh christ don’t try to sell me anything you fuckwit

Meanwhile, the chat with Abbie is… mixed. They get along, but then when Abbie says marriage isn’t her end goal you can tell that Kate is seeing red flags. I’m kind of with Abbie on this one, you can do things all out of order these days and not all women need to have marriage as their number one priority in life (can you tell I’ve been in a 10 year relationship with no sign of a ring yet? LOL). But then Abbie says it about having babies too, which clearly has Kate thrown off.

Matt then talks to all the loved ones, and like all good best friends, Max lays the groundwork that ~someone~ isn’t there for the right reasons but classily doesn’t name names.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
i have to trust you because we are outfit twins

Then Sogand goes IN, telling Kate everything Abbie said about marriage and kids. Just to play devil’s advocate for a bit, but it’s literally this one story Sogand keeps wheeling out — Abbie said in the house she didn’t want marriage and kids, then in a group date challenge she said she did. I know it’s a dodgy thing to do but it’s literally one example, not like Abbie has been consistently lying about having a boyfriend, being a secret ASIO agent, hating Matt, or anything else really.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
not being a bitch, but Abbie is a fkn bitch

Kate does tell Matt everything, and miraculously seems to think Sogand is coming from a “protective of Matt” place rather than a “I hate Abbie and want her gone” place. It certainly has him thinking, which is good because he’s been blissfully unaware so far. Of the four, Elly cops a rose but the others don’t.

Then in a nice little moment at the cocktail party, Matt takes Helena aside to give her the pash she rightfully deserved during their pearl pap smear date, when he was too upset about the Dog Cunt Drama to function sexually. The kiss is worth it purely for this.

The Bachelor Recap
love this scene from The Dark Knight

Rachael, a spicy bitch who lives for drama, SOMEHOW *coughs* producers *coughs* hears that Sogand told Matt’s friend Kate that Abbie has the wrong intentions. As Rachael readily admits, she doesn’t like Abbie or Sogand, but just likes drama. Fair, tbh.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
is that the faint whiff of drama i smell

Abbie decides to confront Sogand, who moves into full mean girl territory with some choice lines like: “90% of the girls have doubts about you” and “It’s been mentioned plenty of times in your absence” and the pearler: “No one else wants to say it to your face, sorry beb. Just so you know, everyone talks about you behind your back.” I haven’t heard that particular line since a heated Year 9 recess showdown I once witnessed.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
call me beb again and i’ll smack you with both my clasped hands

The whole convo is left open and unresolved, and the voiceovers during the rose ceremony consist of Sogand being quietly confident that she’s staying and that Abbie is outta there, and Abbie shitting her pants that she won’t get a rose.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Battle Of Abbie Vs Sogand Is On Like Fucken Donkey Kong
that feeling when you realise endless scheming might be a bad thing

To be honest I thought maybe Sogand would be booted, but she gets the second rose. The music in this rose ceremony honestly goes into Avengers: Endgame levels of dramatic. I think the music supervisor is having a laugh here. Like there’s honestly a “whooshing” sound effect when Matt picks up the rose. Not sure if we’re watching a dating show or the world ending? But after all that build-up, Abbie does get a rose. As you can see, everyone’s THRILLED about it.

The Bachelor Recap
okay who’s gonna kill Abbie in her sleep then

It turns out that it’s Important Business Owner Cassandra who gets sent packing. At least now she can focus on her business, right?