God I hate this bit of The Bachelor – you know, the bit where we are just waiting for the non’s to get booted off, leaving the top 4. It is SO BORING. Sure, the bitchy trio were awful but there is literally nothing zesty left here, OK? Where’s the spice. I need spice.
[jwplayer z25Jd4AY]
Tonight, Cass got her first solo date that she’s basically been committing blood sacrifices to obtain since day dot. We also saw the gang go… fling themselves into some stinky mud to win a man’s heart, which like – ladies. No man is worth that.
As always, Josie (Head of Editorial) and myself (Senior Style & Features Editor) are here to recap the whole thing for ya.
MEL: Hey mate.
JOSIE: Hi. Here we are. Drinking Slurpees.
MEL: We are nothing if not creatures of disgusting sugary habit.
JOSIE: The dates tonight look straight up alarming. Like once again they are life threatening challenges rather than romantic date scenarios. I’m concerned about Cass when she gets the single date, by the way. Like her head WILL explode.
MEL: Osh has officially lost it, he’s gone too OTT with this “Key to your future” bit about the date card. Bit much, Osh. And yes – Cass will spontaneously combust and that is the show ladies and gents good bye.
JOSIE: Those fireworks OSH is always teasing – it’s actually Cass’ head.
MEL: Lol “today has been a long time coming” – like no it has not been Nick, you’ve already dated this woman and dumped her.
JOSIE: This reaction to the date is even worse than exploding head. It’s just embarrassing. I would t be this excited to go on a date with ANYONE. Like Chris bloody Pratt could ask me out and I wouldn’t jump up and down shrieking and hugging everyone (much).
MEL: She’s soooo YOUNG. It’s like watching a 14 year old going to formal with the hot rower from the boys school. Looool the Blistex ad placement.
JOSIE: Wow that was subtle. As subtle as the HYUNDAI date.
MEL: I too like to put my lip balm on with the label in full camera view. My plain balm on my adequately moisturised lips.
JOSIE: I mean do you guys like this? 23 y.o girls fawning all over them? I feel like some would but not him?
MEL: Surely not. It’s so OBVIOUS. This is so uncomfortable. I don’t think he is enjoying it.
JOSIE: She is laughing at literally everything he says. “Have you been here before”“No hahshahahahahahahahahahaha”
MEL: I mean he could just say words and he would laugh. “Bread”. “Spatula”.
JOSIE: Meanwhile, I’d rather do crunches with Dasha than go to Wet ‘N Wild tbh.
MEL: Same. Oh good we are murdering the contestants again. Also, the Wet N Wild staff outfit is a mood.
JOSIE: “Neither if you like heights? Great, we’ll stick you on a sky coaster 76 m in the air”. Who comes up with these frankly terrifying dates.
MEL: All I can think is CASS TAKE OUT YOUR EARRINGS, CASS ARE YOU IN APPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR.
JOSIE: She’s wearing a white mini skirt – not what I would want to wear when about to shit in my undies.
MEL: THIS IS ACTUAL HELL. WHY WOULD YOU EVER GO UP 700km IN THE AIR ON A FIRST DATE.
JOSIE: Nicks barrage of obscenity is making me laugh, just every insult he can think of.
MEL: I have heart palpitations just watching this.
JOSIE: This is unpleasant viewing
MEL: “If we die at least we die together” – 10/10 Cass has organised this date to lead to their mutual destruction.
JOSIE: Her priorities are amazing. “At least my skull will be crushed alongside his”.
MEL: Dying over “Oh you mongrel!!! Stick it up your ass!” from Nick.
JOSIE: The obscenities. He sound like my pop sneezing. “Ya bastard!” Love how Cass is like “I thought we were gonna die”. How fun is PTSD!!!
MEL: Omg she said “I CANT WAIT TO GET WET WITH HIM”.
JOSIE: We all know he loves aqua sex and aqua sex only.
MEL: Yep, the only way they can make him sexually alert is by plonking him in water.
JOSIE: Have they gone down the same slide 45 times.
MEL: It seems like it. Just this eternal purgatory of the twister slide. Also, not sure the waterslide party was good for the hair extension look.
JOSIE: Oh god. The themed little setups are so bad. Why are we sitting in water.
MEL: Love to sit in stagnant water. With plastic champagne glasses.
JOSIE: I thought Super cheap auto was bad enough last week. But now we’re in a puddle. She’s still so nervous and jumpy around him.
MEL: I feel like she’s going to cry over her love for Nick.
JOSIE: So many “Ums” And “likes”. Oh my god she is having the Bachie equivalent of the “are we exclusive” chat! I want to drown in the puddle. I feel like he is very gently letting her down.
MEL: He has been gently letting her down since the moment she walked in.
JOSIE: I am cringing Mel. I can’t cope.
MEL: I’m sorry she has like selective hearing? He is basically saying “you’re great but no thanks“. FFS.
JOSIE: I want to go LA LA LA and stick my fingers in my ears.
MEL: Ooh first Cass kiss!
JOSIE: He shouldn’t have done that. She’s in the headspace where she thinks that’s a proposal.
MEL: Legit. Meanwhile, off on a group date and we are back in the Daintree I see. Honestly are we even in Australia anymore? Is this actually South America?
JOSIE: What is happening. Who is this woman.
MEL:Why is there a transformational coach. Ever. In any life situation.
JOSIE: This is the hunger games. LOL, Jamie Lee pretending her foot is too sore to throw herself in the mud. Well played doll.
MEL: Hahahahaha. Omg I can’t believe they’re being honest. I’d be like “working too hard on the relationship”.
JOSIE: I’d be like “all men suck and don’t appreciate me for the Queen I am”
MEL: “Lowering my sex drive”.
JOSIE: “I’m too pretty”.
MEL: Ah I see now it’s Mad Max: Fury Road.
JOIE: Where is Tom Hardy when you need him. I cannot believe this symbolic baggage they have to hold while this woman looks on and tortures them.
MEL: Hahahaha Brittany is me – I would absolutely be fucked up in the first 0.2 seconds and bogged myself in some gunk.
JOSIE: Brooke drowning in 30 cm of water is hilarious to me.
MEL: She literally just disappeared.
JOSIE: The Harold Holt of Bachelor Season 6.
MEL: Oh god this whole episode is hell. This is where I’d walk out.
JOSIE: I would be one of the basics screeching and squealing.
MEL: “Nick, you are not worth a crawl through cow shit, goodbye”.
JOSIE: Again, no man is worth this though.
MEL: Hahahaha exactly. There is no man worth getting eggs laid in your ear by some unidentifiable mud grub. Also lol at therapist lady analysing nick’s relationship problems furtively from the bushes.
JOSIE: That is what I’d be doing. Just excuse myself from the challenge to observe bitchily from behind foliage. Is it me or is nick a real vibe when muddy?
MEL: Yes 10/10 vibe. Muddy caveman.
JOSIE: Muddy caveman talking about his feelings. I’m about to slide off me chair.
MEL: Again – I absolutely would NOT be revealing my inner trauma in front of some strangers while 20 camera film me cry.
JOSIE: Osher swanning in all mud-free. OOOH. DASHA! GET IT!
MEL: Everything Dasha says sounds sexually charged. Even when she says like, “I’ve got mud in my undies”.
JOSIE: The accent takes everything up a few notches
MEL: Oh noooo your wife Josie.
JOSIE: Oh noooo they’re having an awkward time.
MEL: He’s off her.
JOSIE: That’s sad. This really is awkward. I cannot watch.
MEL: She’s seen the spark get snuffed out in nick’s eyes. Rose Ceremony! That was quick.
JOSIE: Wow a robotic has replaced Cass.
MEL: Who is that woman. Who the fuck is that. That is not Cass.
JOSIE: I feel like Winona in Stranger Things. “THAT’S NOT MY SON”. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT IT ISN’T CASS. The styling is quite fierce tonight. When they have less people to dress they do better.
MEL: 100%, Sophie looks fire.
JOSIE: Jamie Lee has had 4 sec of screen time tonight. It’s gotta be her going home.
MEL: Surely. And yep, gone. Ahahaa fuck Brooke’s face!
JOSIE: The smunty “aww doll you tried”.
MEL: Osher legit sounds more and more like someone is deceased when he tells them to leave.
JOSIE: As each episode progresses he descends deeper and deeper into grief. Soon he’ll be unable to speak. He’ll collapse on the floor, quivering and sobbing.
MEL: Hopefully that teaser is someone chucking a rose in Nick’s face tomorrow night! PLEASE GOD.
Love Josie and Mel talking shit? YEAH YOU DO. Come listen to them talk shit about crime and mysteries on All Aussie Mystery Hour, their creepy podcast. Listen to it on iTunes or Spotify, or use the link below:
