Okay, so Bachelor Australia has officially hit that boring bit between the scandalous drama (the bitches) and the heart-gripping romance (when there’s a final 4 that the Bachelor actually gives a flying shit about). Folks, it happens every year and we just have to RIDE THE WAVE.
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IDEALLY WITH HUMOUR. Which is why I (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) and Josie (my scary boss and Editor of this website) are here to talk absolute garbage about this garbage show we all love and adore.
MEL: Hi Josie.
JOSIE: Hi Mel.
MEL: We are about to watch Osh and Badge die, apparently.
MEL: The women have finally had ENOUGH of this shit show and will mow them down with their secret race car driving skills.
JOSIE: I’m bored because it’s a driving date and I can’t drive.
MEL: Honestly, what in the fuck did we just watch.
JOSIE: Osher and Nick fell in love I think. The Charlie’s Angels hair tossing after removing helmet vibe was strong then, though.
MEL: My call – this is his top 4. Dasha, Soph, Britt and Brooke. And yes, the hair flick was all very Drew Barrymore chasing The Thin Man around the track for no logical reason whatsoever.
JOSIE: Hahaha. Yeah these 4 are strong contenders. Who else is even left, I don’t remember.
MEL: I literally can’t think of anyone who is not… here. Besides Moon Boot.
JOSIE: Again this is not a date, it’s a hair-raising, life threatening challenge. A box of avocados is the prize? That is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard sorry.
MEL: “If you win you get way too many avocados that will all go off before you eat them”.
JOSIE: We’re so hEaLtHy and WhOLeSoMe. Gimme a box of wine fucko.
MEL: I do not get how they have any control in winning this bitch – he is the one telling them where to drive??? THIS IS DUMB.
JOSIE: Wow Britt is a worse driver than me. The joke here is I don’t have my license. And cry every time I have a driving lesson.
MEL: I am very much with Dasha here as I too can’t drive manual. Who drives manual in 2018?? Except… farmers.
JOSIE: This is just Hyundai product placement anyway. There were two brainstorms: sports challenges, and how do we work cars into this show.
MEL: Oh look people exist back at the mansion! I forgot about Cass and everyone else.
JOSIE: Same. And here she is with her “I want a single date BS”.
MEL: CASSANDRA, WHAT CATCHING UP. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY CATCH UP ON WITH NICK. HONESTLY.
JOSIE: Your vagina is caught up with his penis. There is nothing left to cover here.
MEL: I’m fairly sure he knows the names of your imaginary unborn children bc you have yelled them in his ear while he is sleeping.
JOSIE: Nick and Nicola.
MEL: Ok so what the shit, why are we now getting everyone to drive at 100 km/h BACKWARDS, these women are not stunt drivers???
JOSIE: Are we still driving? I’m asleep. Someone crash pls.
MEL: I don’t even know HOW they are doing this like I can’t even reverse park so…
JOSIE: Mate I can’t even turn a car on.
MEL: If I lost both feet in a freak accident and you were the only person who could get me to the hospital, I’d just die is what you’re saying to me.
JOSIE: No shit I have dreams where crises happen and I cannot help.
MEL: LOL SOPHIE “At the end of the day it’s all about impressing Nick” oh my god shit fuck.
JOSIE: Priorities today: 1. Impressing Nick 2. Not dying.
MEL: In that order. If I die impressing Nick, so be it.
JOSIE: That’s the end game.
MEL: That’s why we are here folks. Dying – the ULTIMATE impression.
JOSIE: What would you rather: fiery car crash or head bitten off by crocodile.
MEL: And then Nick places a rose on my corpse, and the girls are like “omgggg we can’t beat that”.
JOSIE: Jamie Lee with the “broken foot” is like damn girl you died that’s tight.
MEL: Back to Sophie though, she is just consistently like “haha this is so fun * spews in fear *”.
JOSIE: Everything he makes her do is terrifying. She will have PTSD after this show.
MEL: I’m shocked he hasn’t walked her to a dinner, but it’s in the middle of a hurricane. Oh MY GOD THE COUCH IS AN OLD CAR SEAT. “Industrial chic” lol nice try, Sophie.
JOSIE: And there’s only beer. I reiterate this is my nightmare date.
MEL: Cue Sophie “omg I love beer”. LIES YOU ARE A ROSE GIRL. I DO NOT BELIEVE IT.
JOSIE: A bunch of brown avos congrats.
MEL: And like she’s living in a mansion where they cook for her, USELESS GIFT.
JOSIE: There is no chemistry here. I’d rather watch Dasha bunny hopping in the car.
MEL: They’ve got the chemistry of a mouldy towel and a beige couch cushion. Lol Badge back with the nan hand hold.
JOSIE: I’m concerned he’s gonna rip her extensions out. She’s like “doll pls my weave”.
MEL: Oooh Jamie-Lee date. Nick’s shirt looks so polyester he’d light on fire if the sun hit him.
JOSIE: What’s with this karaoke machine video of him staring wistfully into the distance / at grass.
MEL: “Love your jacket” fashion police Badger back again, I see.
JOSIE: “Love your extremely run of the mill, dime a dozen black moto jacket”. Again, why are we trying to kill each other on a date. What happened to dinner and drinks.
MEL: Jamie Lee is like get me in the limo NOW I’m done.
JOSIE: I’m with her this absolutely sucks. Where is the pool to have aqua sex in.
MEL: Yeah look, last thing I’d wanna do on a first date is try not to cut the bachelor’s dick off with a sword I’m not remotely trained to wield. Meanwhile, Honey Badger is so easy to please. He’s like a large, excitable 10 year old boy. They’re just like “swords!” and he is placated.
JOSIE: I feel bad for her, this would be me – I’m so unco and would just want to sit around and drink wine.
MEL: That “date” was so odd, like what did we learn? I am not sure.
JOSIE: How to take the sword out? They were probably there for 6 hours.
MEL: What on earth is this date. It’s so… weird. They’re being so weird.
JOSIE: What are they even talking about. They’re just making sounds.
MEL: She looks like she needs to spew.
JOSIE: Sorry, these are not words.
MEL: Back to the mansion, and I see we have Australian twin Emily. Not Dutch spy twin Emily.
JOSIE: She’s back! I love both Emily’s. Also, it’s sternum city population Sophie and Tenille.
MEL: AAAAAAHAHHAHA! CASS OMFG.
JOSIE: I am legit screaming – “I haven’t been on a single date yet so I wouldn’t know”. Has Cass been on a single date? I’m not sure because she hasn’t mentioned it 40,000 times.
MEL: I CANNOT. Outstanding self absorption moment.
JOSIE: Incredible areas. Also not to be a bitch but she’s known Nick for literally 3 hours and Jamie-Lee’s crying? Also, Tenille is a bit of a baby. Just go up and talk to him. She’s really worked up over FBI man.
MEL: Yeah totally like this isn’t play aloof party-time Tenille. It’s interruptsies akimbo time. INTERRUPT HIM. IT’S WHAT ALL WINNERS DO. Tenille is way too old fashioned for this show.
JOSIE: She really is.
MEL: Like beb he has 10 women he’s sifting through rn, deal with it.
JOSIE: Mate it’s a dating show he is on limited time.
MEL: You are not #1 priority.
JOSIE: Side note – Dasha and I both have cat tattoos. She’s my perfect woman.
MEL: She was fated to be your wife. LOL AT BACHIE PEERING THROUGH THE BUSHES LIKE A BIG NOSEY PARKER.
JOSIE: Oooh Tenille is gonna go – of her own accord! I reckon he would have booted Jamie Lee?
MEL: Yeah same but also let’s be real, he doesn’t give a shit about either of them. Also, tbh I get the walk-away over, say, getting dumped publicly at the rose ceremony.
JOSIE: I would def storm out. I love a storm out.
JOSIE: Also, Badge with the casual reference that he is 6’2.5”. Osh looks exhausted.
MEL: Osh is like “it’s been 1000 years”.
MEL: Whoa Shannon, bit of an overreaction beb. No need to emotionally break down into a pile of bones.
JOSIE: She crying as if someone did perish in a group date challenge.
MEL: Maybe… SOMEONE DID.
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