It’s finally that night, folks. The episode where we finally discover just who Bachelor Matt Agnew has chosen to be his steady out of the 28 women he was so generously presented with just 15 episodes ago.
[jwplayer 2TT8ymo7]
We’ve seen high, lows, many Woolworths cheese plate selections, even more kisses, Dog Cunt Drama™, aqua sex and finally, a picturesque jaunt to South Africa. And myself (Josie) and my colleague Mel have been recapping it every bloody step of the way. Frankly, we’re exhausted. We’re thrilled that we get a brief break between this and Bachelorette. But we’re going to see it home with one final recap. So here we go!
JOSIE: Love that we start with this very rehearsed advertorial for South Africa Tourism courtesy of Matt on his business class flight. My questions is: Did the girls also get to fly business or were they squashed into middle seats right next to the toot in economy?
JOSIE: He also had what looked like a mild panic attack under that tree. Here I was thinking it was him feeling the pressure of having to choose between Chelsie and Abbie, but it was actually because a leopard was licking its lips 15 metres away and the car had already driven off.
So, instead of having his actual family there, Matt brought his savage friend Kate and a much less savage person named Jason. Do you think his family is too ashamed to take part in the Bachelor? Mine absolutely would be.
MEL: There is no way my mum would do it but my dad would jump at the chance to talk in a long winded fashion to the camera about the importance of commitment, but with added cricket and train YouTube analogies, somehow.
JOSIE: Producer: “Uh, Mr Mason are you able to talk about Mel, a bit, maybe?”
So before Matt arrives Kate gives Jason the lowdown on the girls she met and it’s clear she’s still on the Abbie Hate Train. Sogand really did a number on her, huh.
MEL: Oh my god, Kate is the secret leader of whatever Abbie Hate Club is going down on the Internet, I’m sure of it. Meanwhile, Jason is heaven, I feel like he was just there for the free mimosas. When they were talking about Matt’s past and Jason and Kate were carefully saying “Matt has in the past made decisions in the moment”, I was screaming at the TV “JUST SAY HE THINKS WITH HIS DICK TOO MUCH.
But then Matt walked in buzzing like a buzzy bee, and when he said he’d picked Abbie as a final 2 Kate’s face was just PERFECTION.
JOSIE: Oh my GOD. She was just like… why. You know what annoyed me, was when she said “Hmm Matt like I said weeks ago I don’t think Abbie really knows what she wants or that she’s on the same page” and he acted like it was BRAND NEW INFORMATION! Even though she’s said it before! And Monique said it! And Sogand! And Elly! He’s just like “Ohhh really??!”
MEL: He literally said “it’s a little concerning” and “I’m surprised” – mate, this is the fourth time someone has said they’re suss on Abbie, you can be concerned but you cannot be surprised.
JOSIE: The man has selective hearing and a selective memory. Then of course since it’s a short Bachelor episode they fill in five minutes with shots of Abbie standing around looking strong yet apprehensive as she waits for Matt to come and get her. I have to say my second favourite face after Kate’s earlier was Abbie’s when she heard it would be Kate she’s seeing again, not charming the pants off, like, Matt’s dad.
MEL: Omg omg a heavenly moment. Perfect reality tv bullshit. It literally dropped, Josie. Her face DROPPED.
JOSIE: Amazing. And then when she walked in to see Kate it was all like “omg HIIIIIIII so good to seeee you again!” You could tell both of them were vomiting in their mouths in that moment. Kate barely let Abbie’s ass touch the seat before she said between gritted teeth “should we go for a chat / can I feed you to the nearest lion please”.
MEL: THAT CHAT. First, Kate needed to reign it in. She was just immediately going for the jugular with her “I’m shocked you’re here” shit. I was 100% with Abbie when she was talking to the camera and like rolling her eyes into the base of her spine. But also it’s been 8 weeks of Bachelor! This is a totally new Abbie/Matt.
JOSIE: And that weird powerplay when she just like straight up walked off? Was she peeing? I don’t know, but it was a boss move.
MEL: She literally walked off to the side and stood with her back to Abbie for no reason. It was pretty powerful and I respect it. Anyway, Kate hates Abbie and Abbie hates Kate, but they go back and pretend to be besties so Matt doesn’t know. Can relate.
JOSIE: Kate literally says “I can’t wait to meet Chelsie”, and you have to think that she’d just welcome anyone that isn’t Abbie right now. Like he could wheel in a two-headed demon and Kate would give them her forever blessing.
MEL: So then Chelsie marches in, and honestly when Jason asked her what she likes about Bachelor Matt and she said “ummm he’s fun, and he’s a nerd” I was like… really that’s all we have now? I know she’s a shy girl but I question if these two have anything going on between them besides both working in science.
JOSIE: They’re seriously going to run out of things to talk about once they go through the periodic table. I just don’t see them as an interesting, passionate, dynamic couple. But Jason and Kate both turn into human heart eyes emojis over her? Unfairly, they keep comparing Abbie to Matt’s exes and saying that Chelsie isn’t like them, so that’s their basis for liking her. That is pretty shitty logic imo.
MEL: Yeah I wouldn’t want these mates giving me advice on who to have babies with tbh. “She’s nice” isn’t grounds for committing for life, you know? So then we have the first last date – Matt and Abbie. They meet up under a tree and pretty much just make out for 15 minutes before bam! Incoming chopper!
JOSIE: He questions her a bit about Kate’s feedback and I loved her answer: “Well, I can’t really defend or change my age?” He accepts that and decides to take their relationship to the next level: kissing and surreptitious grinding (probably) in a helicopter. Complete with nerd interlude of “ooh look at that crater.”
MEL: Honestly I feel like they have SUCH. A. VIBE. Beyond the sex – they laugh together and he seems actually happy and relaxed around her.
JOSIE: Yeah it seems fun but I guess his reservation is, will it stop being fun outside the bubble of the show? WHO CARES MATT JUST GO HAVE A NICE TIME! After the helicopter there’s a fireside date which Matt was hoping would be romantic, but then Abbie bursts into tears. (A mood for me because I also spontaneously burst into tears a lot in my life). I do get where she’s coming from, it’s kinda nuts that this could be their last nice time together before BAM! he throws her aside for another chick.
MEL: It’s fucking weird at this point – you’ve dated a guy for months and gotten very intense feelings wise because of the nature of the show, but in 24 hours you could be dumped and IMMEDIATELY WATCHING YOUR EX GUSH OVER ANOTHER WOMAN. No fucking thank you bye cancelled see ya.
JOSIE: I think being a bit serious about her feelings and opening up might have won her some brownie points with Matt. Do I believe her or do I think she is a brilliant strategist who probably should have been on Survivor and not Bachie? I don’t know, I really don’t.
MEL: That camp fire chat has sealed it for me – surely she’s won. When she said “I think I have your heart” and he smiled lovingly at her? If he doesn’t pick her he’s head demon of the Demon Brigade, Demonsville.
JOSIE: And if she hasn’t won this then I’m starting a GoFundMe for her to win the Survivor money, tbh.Okay now onto Chelsie, who like Matt thought it would be a great idea to wear white pants into the brown dirt of the desert. I thought these two were supposed to be science geniuses?
MEL: She also has large dangly earrings on safari. Seems impractical. Oh god and Matt is sticking his arms out of the vehicle and waving them around, good god they’re going to get slaughtered!
JOSIE: Very impractical safari moments. I’m glad they got back to their pool date with all their limbs intact. So there’s a lot of talking and poor insecure shy Chelsie knows she needs to choke out an “I love you” if she wants a shot at this. She literally goes bright red trying to get the words out.
MEL: Nothing has made me more uncomfortable in all of my life than watching Chelsie mumble “I love you” in monotone.
JOSIE: But how STOKED was he when she said it though? God I am confused now about who is gonna win this dang thing. Props to the editors of this Bachelor season they have not made it obvious like with other seasons. It’s decision time now, but not before Matt has a pensive dip in a watering hole.
MEL: I also hate Chelsie’s lack of lipstick, you simply can’t spackfilla on some makeup, beauty team, and then just skip lipstick. It never works! Then you just look like a beige moon with eyelashes! Josie, what is that dick tree. There’s a flaccid penis tree overhanging Bachelor Matt as he makes his final decision, I’m weirdly into it.
JOSIE: Chelsie is first out of the limo, meaning she’s the loser here? Osher asks why she’s nervous which is the actual dumbest question of all time. Why do you think she’s nervous, she’s potentially about to get dumped in front of millions of people and 5 leopards.
MEL: I feel like it’s particularly cruel to give her the worst dress in the history of humanity AND beige moon makeup with the no lipstick, when she’s also about to be dumped on National TV. But then HOLY FUCKING SHIT they suddenly leave Chelsie standing uncomfortably in the dry African grass like prey for lions, then have ABBIE get out of a vehicle! This is too much, producers. My heart can’t take this level of stress.
JOSIE: WHO IS GOING TO APPROACH MATT FIRST I CAN’T TAKE THIS EITHER! Then it’s bloody Abbie. I am a straight woman in a relationship but I would have picked you! I love that she bloody called him on it. He’s spouting out the classic Bachelor rejection lines and she’s literally like “This is BS”.
MEL: It was so heartbreaking to see her realise it wasn’t going to be her. Almost as much as when Richie dumped Nikki. You could see her trying to keep her shit together for the cameras and like SAME I wouldn’t want the entire nation seeing me devo and dribbling snot.
JOSIE: I’m really proud of her for being salty in the moment, while he was doing the dumping. All these gracious people on Bachelor finales piss me off. It WOULD bloody suck. It would be annoying to hear cliche after cliche. But omg, the stream of consciousness denial in the cab though was even more upsetting that the rejection, maybe. I hated seeing that.
MEL: And to me that makes me feel like she was being legit this whole time because someone acting for Instagram isn’t going to say “maybe I didn’t love him then if I don’t feel anything”.
JOSIE: And then burst into tears five seconds after saying “I couldn’t cry if I wanted to”. My heart hurts. But I’m so glad Abbie was on the Bachelor because fuck she was entertaining.
MEL: When she said “I’ll get over this because I’m so resilient” but choked up – I legit cried josie. I FELT THAT. Dating life 2019 – knowing you can move on from anything but it fucking sucks that you always have to. Anyway Abbie will be fine, she’s prob already in Fiji for Bachelor In Paradise and then she’ll play a long running evil hot genius on Home And Away for years.
JOSIE: YES. And let’s not forget, pop up on Survivor at some point because the girl can play the game. Every guy would just give her their immunity idol each week and she’d literally coast to the finale. Now onto boring blah I love you Chelsie snoozefest. Tempted to turn it off, tbh.
MEL: Sorry but Chelsie and Bachelor Matt as a couple excites me as much as cleaning the food scraps out of my drain each night.
JOSIE: Have fun reciting the periodic table to each other in the throes of passion, guys.
