It’s finally that night, folks. The episode where we finally discover just who Bachelor Matt Agnew has chosen to be his steady  out of the 28 women he was so generously presented with just 15 episodes ago.

We’ve seen high, lows, many Woolworths cheese plate selections, even more kisses, Dog Cunt Drama™, aqua sex and finally, a picturesque jaunt to South Africa. And myself (Josie) and my colleague Mel have been recapping it every bloody step of the way. Frankly, we’re exhausted. We’re thrilled that we get a brief break between this and Bachelorette. But we’re going to see it home with one final recap. So here we go!

JOSIE: Love that we start with this very rehearsed advertorial for South Africa Tourism courtesy of Matt on his business class flight. My questions is: Did the girls also get to fly business or were they squashed into middle seats right next to the toot in economy?

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
i’m going to die today aren’t i

So before Matt arrives Kate gives Jason the lowdown on the girls she met and it’s clear she’s still on the Abbie Hate Train. Sogand really did a number on her, huh.

MEL: Oh my god, Kate is the secret leader of whatever Abbie Hate Club is going down on the Internet, I’m sure of it. Meanwhile, Jason is heaven, I feel like he was just there for the free mimosas. When they were talking about Matt’s past and Jason and Kate were carefully saying “Matt has in the past made decisions in the moment”, I was screaming at the TV “JUST SAY HE THINKS WITH HIS DICK TOO MUCH.

But then Matt walked in buzzing like a buzzy bee, and when he said he’d picked Abbie as a final 2 Kate’s face was just PERFECTION.

Bachelor Recap
oh Abbie? how exciting

JOSIE: Oh my GOD. She was just like… why. You know what annoyed me, was when she said “Hmm Matt like I said weeks ago I don’t think Abbie really knows what she wants or that she’s on the same page” and he acted like it was BRAND NEW INFORMATION! Even though she’s said it before! And Monique said it! And Sogand! And Elly! He’s just like “Ohhh really??!”

MEL: He literally said “it’s a little concerning” and “I’m surprised” – mate, this is the fourth time someone has said they’re suss on Abbie, you can be concerned but you cannot be surprised.

JOSIE: The man has selective hearing and a selective memory. Then of course since it’s a short Bachelor episode they fill in five minutes with shots of Abbie standing around looking strong yet apprehensive as she waits for Matt to come and get her. I have to say my second favourite face after Kate’s earlier was Abbie’s when she heard it would be Kate she’s seeing again, not charming the pants off, like, Matt’s dad.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
oh Kate? how exciting

MEL: Omg omg a heavenly moment. Perfect reality tv bullshit. It literally dropped, Josie. Her face DROPPED.

JOSIE: Amazing. And then when she walked in to see Kate it was all like “omg HIIIIIIII so good to seeee you again!” You could tell both of them were vomiting in their mouths in that moment. Kate barely let Abbie’s ass touch the seat before she said between gritted teeth “should we go for a chat / can I feed you to the nearest lion please”.

MEL: THAT CHAT. First, Kate needed to reign it in. She was just immediately going for the jugular with her “I’m shocked you’re here” shit. I was 100% with Abbie when she was talking to the camera and like rolling her eyes into the base of her spine. But also it’s been 8 weeks of Bachelor! This is a totally new Abbie/Matt.

JOSIE: And that weird powerplay when she just like straight up walked off? Was she peeing? I don’t know, but it was a boss move.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
can i go now

MEL: She literally walked off to the side and stood with her back to Abbie for no reason. It was pretty powerful and I respect it. Anyway, Kate hates Abbie and Abbie hates Kate, but they go back and pretend to be besties so Matt doesn’t know. Can relate.

Bachelor Recap
Kate i will stab you with my earrings

JOSIE: Kate literally says “I can’t wait to meet Chelsie”, and you have to think that she’d just welcome anyone that isn’t Abbie right now. Like he could wheel in a two-headed demon and Kate would give them her forever blessing.

MEL: So then Chelsie marches in, and honestly when Jason asked her what she likes about Bachelor Matt and she said “ummm he’s fun, and he’s a nerd” I was like… really that’s all we have now? I know she’s a shy girl but I question if these two have anything going on between them besides both working in science.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
yay you’re not Abbie

JOSIE: They’re seriously going to run out of things to talk about once they go through the periodic table. I just don’t see them as an interesting, passionate, dynamic couple. But Jason and Kate both turn into human heart eyes emojis over her? Unfairly, they keep comparing Abbie to Matt’s exes and saying that Chelsie isn’t like them, so that’s their basis for liking her. That is pretty shitty logic imo.

MEL: Yeah I wouldn’t want these mates giving me advice on who to have babies with tbh. “She’s nice” isn’t grounds for committing for life, you know? So then we have the first last date – Matt and Abbie. They meet up under a tree and pretty much just make out for 15 minutes before bam! Incoming chopper!

JOSIE: He questions her a bit about Kate’s feedback and I loved her answer: “Well, I can’t really defend or change my age?” He accepts that and decides to take their relationship to the next level: kissing and surreptitious grinding (probably) in a helicopter. Complete with nerd interlude of “ooh look at that crater.”

MEL: Honestly I feel like they have SUCH. A. VIBE. Beyond the sex – they laugh together and he seems actually happy and relaxed around her.

JOSIE: Yeah it seems fun but I guess his reservation is, will it stop being fun outside the bubble of the show? WHO CARES MATT JUST GO HAVE A NICE TIME! After the helicopter there’s a fireside date which Matt was hoping would be romantic, but then Abbie bursts into tears. (A mood for me because I also spontaneously burst into tears a lot in my life). I do get where she’s coming from, it’s kinda nuts that this could be their last nice time together before BAM! he throws her aside for another chick.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
dear lord pick another crying face
Bachelor Recap
two can play the aqua sex game

JOSIE: But how STOKED was he when she said it though? God I am confused now about who is gonna win this dang thing. Props to the editors of this Bachelor season they have not made it obvious like with other seasons. It’s decision time now, but not before Matt has a pensive dip in a watering hole.

Bachelor Recap
is that an eel or is abbie grinding on me again

MEL: I also hate Chelsie’s lack of lipstick, you simply can’t spackfilla on some makeup, beauty team, and then just skip lipstick. It never works! Then you just look like a beige moon with eyelashes! Josie, what is that dick tree. There’s a flaccid penis tree overhanging Bachelor Matt as he makes his final decision, I’m weirdly into it.

Bachelor Recap
the dick tree will help you decide

JOSIE: Chelsie is first out of the limo, meaning she’s the loser here? Osher asks why she’s nervous which is the actual dumbest question of all time. Why do you think she’s nervous, she’s potentially about to get dumped in front of millions of people and 5 leopards.

MEL: I feel like it’s particularly cruel to give her the worst dress in the history of humanity AND beige moon makeup with the no lipstick, when she’s also about to be dumped on National TV. But then HOLY FUCKING SHIT they suddenly leave Chelsie standing uncomfortably in the dry African grass like prey for lions, then have ABBIE get out of a vehicle! This is too much, producers. My heart can’t take this level of stress.

JOSIE: WHO IS GOING TO APPROACH MATT FIRST I CAN’T TAKE THIS EITHER! Then it’s bloody Abbie. I am a straight woman in a relationship but I would have picked you! I love that she bloody called him on it. He’s spouting out the classic Bachelor rejection lines and she’s literally like “This is BS”.

Bachelor Recap
cut the crap, science boy
‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Presenting Matt And Chelsie, The Nerd Couple You Want To Dack
*ross geller voice* i’m FINE
Bachelor Recap