‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Jules Opens His “Umbrella Of Ambiguity”

Bachelor In Paradise Recap
Contributor: Josephine Rozenberg-Clarke, Melissa Mason

We’re at the pointy end of Bachelor In Paradise, folks and you know what that means: a lot of boring loved up couples and producers tossing in spicy people to shake things up. Tonight the happy little Paradise campers welcomed back Elora, and every girl (and Bill) instantly became paranoid that she’d somehow seduce their significant other with just a flick of her stand-up paddleboard oar.

[jwplayer z25Jd4AY]

As usual, me (Josie, Head of Editorial at PEDESTRIAN.TV) and Mel (P.TV’s Senior Style / Features Editor) sat down, watched it, yelled at the screen, drank cup-a-soup and recapped it for your convenience.

Dive in!

JOSIE:  So here we are back in Paradise and everyone’s quite loved up and it’s a bit yawn. Zoe hasn’t had a pash and Mack quite simply cannot be bothered – he’s more interested in his Stephen Hawking book.

MEL: I always get bored at this point. I don’t care about happy people! BORING! Stop being in love everyone we all know you’re going to break up in 1-3 months! Mack was quite the mood reading his Hawking book and napping all over Fiji. Why wouldn’t you, honestly?

Bachelor In Paradise Recap
but stephen mate how do i physics myself a date

JOSIE: I definitely would get stuck into some theoretical physics if I was in Fiji surrounded by kissing dipshits. Pretty quickly though the producers throw in a curve ball by bringing Elora, our fave fake Tahitian princess whose real name is definitely Midge Quinlan and she actually comes from Mudgee, back to the show.

to think i dragged myself from mudgee for this shit

MEL: Ugh why are they doing this? We all knew Elora would make zero connections, purely because it’s SO late in the season and everyone’s pretty set with their partners. Still, it was a bit of a vibe her not giving a fuck about couples and just chatting to everyone to get to know them. Like, guys it’s just a CONVO, she’s not tonguing all your boyfriends’ ears.

JOSIE: It was so funny to see everyone’s reactions. The flinty smile from Caroline. The hammock crisis talk from Tenille. Flo giving Midge the old up-and-down — and accusing Davey of having lipstick on his shirt.

if you touch american alex’s large bicep i will drown you in the pool

Elora literally chatted to every person but ended up taking Alex Nation on a date, which was just an excuse for the music supervisor to bring out…


“i simply cannot be a lesbian unless i hear that zesty saxophone”

As they wandered down to their date which involved boating around the sludgy river. When Elora said it was “just like Jurassic Park” I was thinking “yes, the bit where it rains and they’re all sliding around in the mud avoiding T-Rex”.

JOSIE: “The bit where the dinosaur does a big diarrhea and it looks like a river.”

who shidded their pants

Meanwhile, Bill was back at the pool cabana feeling pretty anxious that Alex was going to kiss Midge. I found it really hypocritical that he said “that would be like cheating”. Bill doll, do I NEED to remind you what happened when Flo came in??

MEL: Omg, totally. He was being a total hypocrite. But I also found it irritating that Alex was sitting with Midge over their Woolies cheeses and Liquorland champers special saying “I’m committed to Bill but I’m going to explore my feelings for Elora”. Like… correct me if I’m wrong here but isn’t the point of commitment to NOT explore feelings with others?

JOSIE: Well I mean that’s what I’ve been adhering to for my almost 10 year relationship, sure as hell hope my boyfriend has! Meanwhile, what was with that straight outta left field four Liquorland champers deep chat between American Connor and Shannon? It was really vague, did you get that vibe? Like “let’s skate around an issue for the purposes of television”.

i’m not drunkenly ranting about nothing in particular, YOU ARE

MEL: I had no idea where that came from and honestly? It felt like Connor was just saying “you’re not telling me about yourself” over and over and Shannon drunkenly disagreeing in that way that you do when you’re itching for an argument and have no leg to stand on.

JOSIE: They continued it later in a more sober fashion and it led to Shannon wearing a large hat and crying and American Connor saying “let’s separate”, like two dysfunctional parents after 15 strained years of marriage. The whole plotline was so sudden and weird.

*hides feelings under oversized hat*

MEL: So weird. Meanwhile, Nathan was being ridiculous about Elora. Honestly dude, her saying “can I hang out with you” does not mean you’ll suddenly die.

JOSIE: It was like he was afraid he simply could not control his penis around her? Mate, just say “no thankyou I am hanging out with Tenille”. You can politely reject someone without sounding like a dickhead. Which segues us nicely to someone who cannot: Jules.

*wills penis not to harden*

MEL: CHRIST. I. HATE. THIS. GUY. I have no time for his “I’m a baby” bullshit. I know he’s 24 but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour with Alisha, telling her over a romantic macaron party in pond scum that he wanted to “move forward” under the “umbrella of ambiguity”.

do i have pond scum in my ears or did you just say “umbrella of ambiguity”

JOSIE: I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that A) they were forced to sit waist-deep in lukewarm wastewater on this “date” or B) that Jules used the phrase “umbrella of ambiguity” on national television. I am definitely leaning towards B). He is such a poor excuse for a human and honestly as much as I love Alisha, I’m like doll the red flags were RIGHT THERE. Shoulda tossed him into the bin when you had the chance.

MEL: I understand that they’ve only dated for a week or so, but it’s the way he avoids any form of commitment with her. He won’t even give her a projection of where he feels it’s headed. Like, he could at least say “I really like you and I like how things are going, I can see us in a relationship but let’s take it slow”. That would be fair – but all this jokey jokerson, let’s just have fun bullshit is really, really irritating and I love Alisha too but I’m also like GIRL GET OUT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS SHIT.

JOSIE: So much better. It was the most excruciating thing to witness. To every girl and guy out there reading: at a very base level, you deserve someone who values you and treats you with respect. It’s not actually a big ask but it boggles the mind how many people cannot give you that. UGH.

MEL: It really just comes down to being honest and communicative – it’s fine to want to have fun only, and it’s fine to want to go slow. But he owes it to Alisha to communicate how he’s feeling and where things are headed so SHE can make an informed decision about whether that works for her. It makes me so mad because this is sooooo common in 2019 dating culture. Just this piss-weak I-don’t-want-to-deal-with-awkward-convos shit. Anyway! So then we had the cocktail party – featuring Elora racing around to everything that had a pulse trying to get a rose.

JOSIE: Fuck that was funny, she really gave it a red-hot crack! At one point I thought she was going to see if the palm tree near the bar wanted to “go for a quick chat”.

MEL: Good on her for giving it a go, I did hate how everyone this season was so overly cautious about simply saying hello to people who were “connecting” with other people. Anyway, the rose ceremony was boring. They always are at this stage because you know who everyone is going to choose. The only surprise was Connor asking Shannon to leave together, which gave us a glorious Oshie moment where he looked like the third wheel.

“i must interrupt to scream with happiness at you guys”

JOSIE: Oh my god. One day I want to feel the pure, unadulterated joy that Osh felt when Connor and Shannon decided to take their relationship to actual reality.

MEL: He was busting out of his face he was so happy. Osher just wants everyone in Paradise to FIND LOVE like he has. What he does not realise is these people do not care for love, they just want notoriety and more invites to ice-cream launches and bar openings.

JOSIE: We’re cynical, but it’s true!

Want more Mel and Josie? Read their Game Of Thrones recaps here, or listen to their true crime/mystery podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.