Tearless Onions Are Coming To Aus, Which Is Great For Folks Who Can’t Make Soup Without Sobbing

Happy Chop's Tearless Onions and Kris Jenner crying

Do you find it impossible to chop onions because you start crying uncontrollably? Like, watching Marley & Me on repeat levels of sobbing? Well, today’s your lucky day ‘cos tearless onions will be hitting Australian shelves v. soon.

No, your tear-filled eyes do not deceive you! The art of growing vegetables has evolved to such lofty heights that the sinister waterworks-inducing gene in the humble onion has been bred out. Big things are happening, people.

For the first time in Australia, Happy Chop’s Tearless Onions will be available in Woolworths stores across New South Wales, Victoria and the Australian Capital Territory. I will pay good money for someone to send a bag over to Perth, Western Australia ‘cos I can’t make soup without wailing for hours.

Basically, the onion has been grown in such a way that it contains less of the tear-jerker chemical.

“As a natural self-defence mechanism, onions release a combination of natural chemicals and enzymes (or ‘volatile compounds’) that can cause some tears and irritation when an onion is damaged or cut,” Woolworths said, per 9News.

“Happy Chop – Tearless Onions contain fewer of these compounds, and these compounds continue to reduce after they are harvested, compared to regular onions where these compounds increase over time.

“This means they become more tearless over time.”

These damn onions and their pesky self-defence mechanisms. Just bury your feelings like the rest of us!

happy chop tearless onions woolworths
And they said it wasn’t possible! Image credit: Supplied via 9News.

According to New Idea, it’s taken decades to develop the tearless onions, with a heap of natural methods being used. One such technique included cross-breeding existing onion varieties, which sounds … naughty. Saucy onions!

If you’re worried the tearless onions won’t hit the same as their sad, emotionally-triggering counterparts, you shan’t fret ‘cos they’ll pretty much taste the same — they’ll just taste a tad sweeter. Yum yum piggy bum, I say!

The gleeful onions will be available from July 12 until stock lasts, which is expected to be in September. They’ll be available in 500g packs for $2.50 each. Suck on that one, cozzie livs!

Image credit: 9News / Supplied & Keeping Up With The Kardashians / E!