British coffeehouse, Costa Coffee have dabbled in the dark caffeine arts and produced a bloody monster of a cuppa. It’s called the Flat Black and no this is not a joke. It’s just one bev in the brand spankin’ new Flat Family. The other two are somewhat more normal, there’s the Flat Mocha for choc lovers and the Coconut Flat White.
So what is this weird flat black thingo?
Well there is no reading into what the beverage is, it just is what it is. A cup of pure extracted coffee – cough, cough long black cough, cough. Do people dig it? By the looks of this tweet and all the reactions to it, I say no.
I’m not asking for a flat black. Never in a million years.
It’s a black coffee.
Stop trying to make me say weird shit. pic.twitter.com/4TsPHVwAIn— Matty F White (@mattyfwhite) March 7, 2018
Sometimes you just shouldn’t play coffee gods.
https://twitter.com/rt86uk/status/972473905641385984
I mean…
The flat mocha sounds pretty good though, mostly because there’s a shot of chocolate to shoot right through the veins. And the coconut flat white option is completely dairy-free so at least the range does a fine job of being inclusive.
So why the sudden reinvention? Well major rival and overload Starbucks recently announced the addition of three new tea lattes to their menu. Since it’s spring over there Starbucks decided to up their game and by this I mean a tea latte featuring Red Apple syrup combined with Apple Blossom dust and freeze-dried apples sprinkled on top because you’ll probably Snapchat/Insta it. It’s like the sweeter version of a Rooibos tea which they’ve also added to the menu. The third is is a sugarless Matcha Tea Latte. Obvs, Costa Coffee were like ‘Nuh Uh’ and hit back with the almighty Flat Black.
Now, I’m from Melbourne so I know how…touchy people can be about their coffee so I can only imagine what would happen if the hipster cafes started selling flat blacks… but the coconut flat white seems to be doing well.
So here’s an ominous vid of the coconuty cuppa.
There’s a new Flat White in town and we don’t mind one bit. Try our Coconut Flat White today (and only 78 calories) #CoconutMilk #DairyFree #Vegan pic.twitter.com/QHEaNzZm5i
— Costa Coffee (@CostaCoffee) February 8, 2018
And it’s only 78 calories!! WOW.
