It’s a Friday, I’ve had *maybe* too many cups of coffee and by god, I have something to get off my chest: we have, and I simply cannot stress this enough, moved past the need for a flat sheet.
I would even go so far as to say you are less genetically evolved if you still use one. It’s a real pleb move and you need to reevaluate your life choices if you plan on getting into a flat-sheeted bed tonight.
I’ve been having this debate with my mum since the moment I first moved out of home. She thinks it’s disgusting not to have one, but as a counter point: I wash my quilt cover more than she washes her ungodly flat sheets. Perhaps it’s an age thing, or maybe the youth of Australia (and the world) have just progressed past the need for such a useless piece of fabric.
But the topic was thrusted straight into the front of my mind today after everyone on Twitter sparked a very important discussion. Benjamin Law kicked off the discussion by likening the way white people make beds to *checks notes* the human vulva.
The way white people layer their bedsheets is as complex and intricate as a human vulva and both are foreign environments to me
— Benjamin Law 羅旭能 (@mrbenjaminlaw) August 6, 2020
But it was Amy Remeikis’ tweet that was the final nail in the coffin for me. I simply must discuss this.
I’m sorry but it has to be said.
if you still use a top sheet I’m sorry but you’re less evolved than the rest of us. https://t.co/iXTxcGTlyN
— lavender baj (@lavosaurus) August 7, 2020
It doesn’t really add anything in the warmth department like a quilt or a blanket would, but it gets all bunchy and weird when you’re trying to sleep. I simply don’t get the hype.
Not to mention, sheets are bloody expensive. You can miss me with that $200 pack of fitted/flat sheets and just give me the fitted boi on it’s own, thanks. Why the absolute fuck would I pay for an extra sheet that’s only going to prove to be an inconvenience? No thank you.
I would even go so far as to say it would be a deal breaker if I were to go home with someone and find that they had a flat sheet. Gross. Hate it. Nope. Get it away from me.
There is one single exception to the rule: hotels. The only time a flat sheet is tolerable is when you’re getting into a hotel bed that’s made so tight you might actually become one with the mattress.
But if you’re not making your bed like a hotel every single day, I’m going to have to ask you to grab that flat sheet and put it in the bin. We don’t know her.
As it turns out, I’m not the only person with strong opinions on this one, because Twitter has gone absolutely buck wild over the great sheet debate of August 2020.
Some people tried flat sheets and realised they’re garbage.
I did go through a period of putting one on my bed for ~aesthetic~ because I bought pretty contrasting sheets but it was not worth the hassle.
— Calla Wahlquist (@callapilla) August 7, 2020
While others shared the same (wrong) sentiment as my mum. Yes, Christine, I do wash my doona cover every week.
So you’re just gonna wash your doona cover or blanket every week? Gah who has time for that?
— Christine Flatley (@littlechrissy) August 7, 2020
But then there’s this guy, who is on a whole new level with his weighted blanket. Sean, I take my hat off to you.
A weighted blanket makes everything else superfluous. Like being pinned down by a wrestler and forced to sleep. No top sheet has that power.
— Sean Parnell 🏼 (@seanparnell) August 7, 2020