Bachelor In Paradise 2020 is finally here, babey! It’s like we’ve had to wait 84 years for this bitch! We basically have! Who wouldn’t say the last 4+ months of coronavirus haven’t felt like a lifetime, huh!
You can tell I’m too excited by the amount of exclamation marks I’m using. I (me, Melissa Mason, Managing Editor in Sydney) am so thrilled to be recapping again, although there is a cloud of sadness and tears hanging low over my head because my partner in crime, Josie Rozenberg-Clarke, is rudely caring for her new baby instead of joining me in recap land. How dare she nurture life. The baby will be fine just give it some… puree apple in a pet bowl. That’s how parenting works, right?
Anyway, it’s just me. But I am still 50% of our operation ok, I AM STILL FUNNY. TELL ME I’M FUNNY. I NEED CONSTANT VALIDATION.
But also we can just get into it. Sure. Fine.
As always, we open with Oshie, our own sexy short-haired Jesus, marching around Paradise trying to rustle up some joy in our cold, dead hearts. He’s all blah blah, love will be found, look at this magical sludge-ridden island where we slot some ex-Bachie stars into demountables and have them live off gruel and mango daiquiris for a month!
I have to say, Oshie is like a fine wine. How is he hotter than ever? Did he kill a few unicorns and drink their blood?
Also, was this the only NICE day in Fiji? I swear to god it’s either pissing down rain or overcast. They must have filmed the intro during the one ten minute window of good weather.
The first to arrive? OUR BOY TIMM!
He’s been ON that Bondi Sands, you guys. Absolutely marinated in the stuff. Slept in a bath filled with it, probably.
He galumphs around the island cheersing inanimate objects, all very Timm areas. Then we get a recap of the EXACT MOMENT HIS HEART WAS RIPPED IN TWO by Angie at the end of last years Bachelorette. Woof.
Then it’s the first gal into Paradise – Abbie. We cop her flashback too where she says she was “dumped on a rock in Africa” loooooooool. That’s almost as good a story as the time I was dumped by a guy because he wanted to pursue running more.
Anyway, Abbie immediately tells us she’s really horny and wants to have sex. Which honestly is the entire point of this show, so can we have more of that this year please? None of those stale, months-later rumours about people fucking in the outdoor showers. I want HINTS OF DICKS AND BOOBS COMING AT ME FROM ALL SIDES.
Timm also seems DTF and is going on about how the day bed looks ready for love making when he spots Abbie. Instead of being a normal human being, he… hides?
He spooks her, etc. I have to say this year (if Abbie and Timm are anything to go by) everyone is HORNDOG MILLIONAIRE. Timm eats some pineapple out of his pina colada and tells Abbie “well, you know why I’m eating the pineapple…”
Abbie knows. She absolutely knows.
Then Helena from Matt Agnew‘s season arrives, and the three of them awkwardly swing about like three slightly off salmon tied to some wood.
Almost immediately, Britt from Honey Badger‘s season walks in. She looks heaps suss on the situation.
Timm is falling over himself to say hi. He literally can’t speak properly, he’s so overwhelmed by her. He says he can’t believe she’s here and she’s like “I can’t believe I’m here either, trust me” LOOOOOOL SINGLE IN 2020 MOOD RIGHT THERE.
The producers are literally throwing women through the doors at this point. Britt doesn’t even have time to sip her daiquiri before OTHER Britt, Unhinged Britt, walks in. I just love her so much and want this scene on loop for the entire show, thanks.
Then it’s… who is this.
Who is this, also.
Lol jk (not really I had to Google them) that’s Glenn and Niranga from Angie’s season, also known as “The Season Where We Heard From Three Men In Total”. Anyway, Abbie is being extremely picky because for every person she’s basically like “yeah cool but WHERE’S CIARRAN, IF CIARRAN DOESN’T COME IN WHY DID I BOTHER BUYING ALL THIS PAST SEASON BEC + BRIDGE ON EBAY”.
Then Mary arrives, and thank god because she’s as unhinged as Britt 2 and we need more unhinged on this series. After Mary is this goddamn creepy entrance by a woman who seems to rise from the plant beds.
Her name is Jaynie and she’s from Richie’s season, which is why no one remembers her and everyone just stares with great, puzzled energy as she silently walks up to the bar.
Then this guy comes in who looks like Jamie Doran, but is actually Suss Jake!
Remember Jake! I don’t really I just remember he had Big Suss Energy! Maybe was also the one who ended up with Meghan Not-Markle and then they broke up!
Anyway he comes in with unusually light fanfare, but that’s probably because right after him is Mister Tatt-Butt himself, Ciarran. In the nude, of course.
Abbie is beside herself and there’s lots of stressed sipping going on.
She loses the plot for a bit and is scurrying around chaotically like a confused galah before eventually doing quite a convincing ~calm laugh~ when Ciarran tells her he brought her some grapes. OOFT the sexual energy this year is through the roof, I fucking love it.
Next it’s Cassandra from Matt’s season, also barely know who that is, and finally Jamie. Poor Jamie cops this montage of animals fleeing the island and literal Jaws music for his entrance. I mean he was a stage 5 clinger but he wasn’t THAT scary, guys! Come on!
Meanwhile there’s already drama, thank sweet baby short-haired Oshie Jesus. Ciarran is into CASSANDRA, but Abbie is into Ciarran! He flirts up a storm with Cass while we cop shots of Abbie like:
Abbie says she’s off Cass because she said some shitty stuff to the media about Abbie, like that she was manipulative and did stuff for attention, etc.
Then Osh turns up throwing deuces like he’s Kris Jenner after 40 wines, what an energy.
He tells everyone that the first date is actually a double date – but not two couples, it’s one person and two people they like!!! Chaos!!! You spicy little enchilada, Oshie! What are you like!
The person who gets to pick is Timm. He chooses Britt and Brittany, which is like choosing a whole Greek lamb shoulder and also a vegan lasagne.
But while they choof off for a date, the rest of the Bachie folks will have a dinner where they ask anonymous questions! What could go wrong!!
The first question is if anyone at the table has slid into anyone else’s DMs. Helena says she slid into Glenn and Jake’s. Mary says she slid into Glenn’s. I am shocked these people knew who Glenn was – also I can’t tell if this is an on purpose joke but Glenn STILL HAS NOT TALKED. At one point he’s about to talk but then the scene cuts?
Conspiracy theory – has he wronged a producer so badly, like stole their poppa in the schoolyard as a ten year old, and this is the producer’s long game of revenge? I believe.
The next question is how old the ladies would go dating wise. This comes from Jamie because he is… FORTY!? Did we know this? I mean props to him he doesn’t look 40 except for the questionable hair dye job. I’m actually jealous of his smooth, melasma-free skin you little bitch, Jamie.
Anyway Abbie says 33 is her limit, and Jamie’s all ahhhh ya breakin’ ma heart Abbie! And she’s like:
The next question is who would people pick for their 2-1 date, which of course is the segue to see how Timm’s date is going. It has very 70s key party, hey you know what would be so cool is if you girls kissed vibes.
It gets worse – Timm asks Britt 2 to dance, so Brittany is just sitting around like a limp sea cucumber watching them flirt. WHATTTTTT IS HAPPENING.
Back at the Bula Banquet, everyone’s talking about sex. Ciarran’s like I wanna root every hour on the hour, while Glenn (!!!! He has been allowed to speak!) says make up sex is the best which sends Mary into fits of laughter. She’s clearly keen on him.
Then we get more chaos. Ciarran gets asked how he’d be if his girlfriend (RENEE) came in. I put Renee in capitals and brackets coz that’s how Abbie said it, lol.
TL;DR – Renee was in Abbie’s season of Bachie and dated Ciarran for a while outside of the show.
Ciarran gets heaps shifty about this question, there’s lots of huffing and sighing. Eventually he tells everyone that yes, he cheated on Renee because the relationship was over and he didn’t know how to get out of it (wot) and then it still wasn’t over (WOT) so he broke up with her. He says it with lots of remorse and hindsight, but it’s still QUITE shit and everyone gets very quiet.
Cass is definitely the most affected because she tells us she’s friends with Renee, so feels conflicted now she’s got a vibe with Ciarran. Yikes.
Then it gets SO SPICY you guys, oh my god. So Abbie is all “HAHAHA CIARRAN!!!! You’ve made one mistake!!! You are basically perfect it’s fine, it’s so fine… UNLESS SOMEONE HERE IS FRIENDS WITH RENEE…” then looks pointedly at Cass, oh my lord it was a beautiful moment of Bachie drama.
IT GETS BETTER. Cass is flustered and starts going on about loyalty to friends, and yes she is friends with Renee, so she would “have to see” where her friend was at if Renee entered Paradise.
I was like wait… what the fuck? If your BFFL was on Bachie, and dated someone from Bachie, who you knew was likely to go into Paradise like come on, we all knew Ciarran would show up, wouldn’t you, IDK, check with her BEFORE you go on the show to see if she’s cool with you rooting her ex? I smell some warm bullshit here, Cass, and it’s the stench of “trying to reason with Australia as to why it will be ok if I start dry humping Ciarran even though I’m besties with Renee.”
Meanwhile, it’s Brittany’s turn to dance awkwardly with Timm while Britt sits even more awkwardly on the couch looking like she wants it to swallow her whole. This triple date idea is the WORST I LOVE IT.
Bach at the Bula Whatever everyone is playing shoot shag marry, except it’s the more boring version of “friend, kiss or marry”. Mary is like GLENN I WILL MARRY YOU but awkwardly, Helena says the same (!!!). Even more awkwardly, Glenn says he would marry Helena. Mary is PISSED. Helena should check under her pillow for rogue hermit crabs tonight, I reckon.
Jamie says he would marry Abbie, much to Abbie’s dismay, and then when it’s Abbie’s turn she’s like “I’ll kiss Ciarran and I will also marry Ciarran”.
But when it’s Ciarran’s turn he, of course, says he’d kiss Abbie but marry Cass. Now ABBIE is pissed, but in a more stressed way than Mary who seemed ready to rip Helena’s hair extensions out.
Anyway! The triple date returns, everyone’s hanging around, Glenn seems to have been touched with the sunburnt spirit of Jarrod:
He talks with Mary for a bit (read: Mary just laughs into the silence for eternity) before going off with Helena to lounge around on that fuck couch Timm was going on about. It’s pretty chaste chatting, although Helena is deffo doing that flicky hair flicky hair thing.
You know who is also doing flicky hair? CASS. WITH CIARRAN. She even says, and I honestly tried to crawl under my couch when this happened, “Renee’s gonna be so mad at meee” but she sing-songed it and OH GOD STOP DO NOT BRING UP THE EX, WOMAN.
Anyway they swagger off into the abyss of night while Abbie moans with Jamie, who’s all “I’ll save ya, I’ll save ya” and she’s like awwww Jamie noooooo haha plssaveme.
But!!! After everything with Cass, Ciarran ends up in Abbie’s bed. YES, REALLY.
So at first it’s very G rated like, hello my sleepover friend come and play truth or dare fully clothed on the bed with me. Like Brittney was awake, you guys.
But then….
IDK what exactly went down because Abbie was very “and then he slept over heheheheeheheheheheheheeee” but didn’t really elaborate, but there was definitely a few sheet rustles. Who knows! Regardless this is big Bachie news.
And it looks like tomorrow will be a big one. Fuck I love horny Bachelor In Paradise. See you for tomorrow’s recap you horndogs.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
