Married At First Sight is over half-way through their “experiment” for the season, and as per usual this season features a smorgasbord of human beings I want to punch directly in the face.
The show is notorious for attracting heinous cast members – that’s half the fun here is it not, watching absolute car-crashes of marriages go up in flames? There’s a reason it’s consistently successful and that’s because we all love watching terrible people be terrible. Sorry, but it’s true.
Because there is hardly anyone likeable on this show, I decided to spend my Wednesday afternoon assessing who I would hypothetically least like to fuck (should they ask) out of a bunch of people I really don’t want to fuck!
This is all a fun-times jokesy so you know, don’t take it too seriously.
1. SAM BALL
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuGL72Qlg8o/
Yes, I would rather fuck Ines over Sam. Why? Sam is not only a liar, and a body-shamer, he also loves himself something sick. I would actually prefer to bone a liar over someone who (probably) wanted to look at themselves in a mirror and adjust the edges of their beard while they fucked me.
2. SUSIE BRADLEY
https://www.instagram.com/p/Buk1C9Jhbrn/
I literally could not with Susie’s take-down of poor Billy during that first commitment ceremony. I COULD NOT. She was so awful, I know it’s early days and *maybe* she will redeem herself but his poor face, that sweet angel man. NO. Do not want to bone Susie.
3. INES BASIC
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt-es3QlTK6/
I mean, Ines was the worst! But she did make me laugh a few times, so she ranks higher than Susie and Sam, who have never made me laugh. Humour is the way into my heart (pants). The heart in my pants.
4. MATTHEW BENNETT
He seemed like such a sweet angel until he PRETTY MUCH USED LAUREN FOR SEX THEN SAID HE WASN’T EVEN ATTRACTED TO HER. Like dude…. come on.
5. CYRELL JIMENEZ
Cyrell can be really endearing on the show as she works through her personal issues but she also fucking terrifies me. I would never really know if she was going to murder me in my sleep because she thought I looked sideways at her once, you know?
6. MARK SCRIVENS
Who is this mans?
7. JESSIKA POWER
Jess is funny but she’s also a MASSIVE whinger. I feel exhausted in her presence already when she is just on my TV and I’m yelling at her for being a whinger with my mouth full of mash potato.
8. MICK GOULD
Mick is sexy but he now has an Ivan Milat moustache so like, congratulations on going from top tier to #8, Mick. In fact he shouldn’t even be on this list anymore frankly.
9. MIKE GUNNER
IDK, Mike always seems like maaaaybe he’s a good bloke but then he also seems like he is interested in every other woman, ever. I would feel like he was boning me and texting another girl over my shoulder.
10. ELIZABETH SOBINOFF
https://www.instagram.com/p/BtiQ1aLjjD2/
Liz was a bit fly-off-the-handle but she was a good person who loved the sisterhood. Gotta give her that, y’know?
11. MELISSA LUCARELLI
We have the same name. HARD PASS.
12. NING SURASIANG
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuioslrF44E/
Who also is this?
13. DINO HIRA
Dino is fine, but he’s also whatever. He’s fine and whatever. Like I said, this is a list of who I would LEAST like to fuck, and he’s not heinous plus I’m actually aware of who he is so he gets a pass. Seriously, Mark and Ning? Have they even had screen time?
14. BRONSON NORRISH
Chalk it up to my obsession with underdogs, but Bronson was so done over by Ines that he can make it into the top tier here.
15. NIC JOVANOVIC
Nic is also fine? IDK who is he? Who are you, Nic? I only know you as “long-suffering partner of volatile Cyrell”. WHO IS ANYONE WHO ISN’T YELLING OBSCENITIES IN THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY.
16. MARTHA KALIFATIDIS
I really related to Martha telling Michael to eat his shit blueberries and not her good ones. That is the criteria here to get her in at #16.
17. MICHAEL BRUNELLI
Michael’s one of the hotter dudes in the gang IMO, but I also am often confused as to who he is besides a walking ponytail.
18. HEIDI LATCHAM
I’d sleep with Heidi just so I could cut her hair off in her sleep and attach it to my head.
19. TAMARA JOY
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuTEYmyn-yV/
Tamara is fine, she’s new and hasn’t done anything offensive as yet. She is just a person with a face to me.
20. DAN WEBB
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuidPTJg7de/
Again, Dan is fine??? Like he is too new to tell how assholey he is. I know he’s meant to hook up with Jess but so far it’s really just her being keen ya know. Anyway, I don’t find him hot but I don’t really find myself attracted to any of these people! This is a ranking based on LEAST LIKELY TO MAKE ME WANT TO RUN FOR THE HILLS, guys.
21. JULES ROBINSON
JULES IS A DELIGHT. A total delight. She only comes second because…
22. CAM MERCHANT
Cam is also a delight and I’m a heterosexual female so the guy part of this power couple wins in my mental fantasy.
23. BILLY VINCENT
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuimZRbA0zL/
Sweet angelic Billy is so sweet and angelic! And he has that rig!!
24. LAUREN HUNTRISS
Ummmm, Lauren was super patient with Matthew’s anxiety around sex AND she likes to get freaky in the bedroom. She wins.
