There are many questionable things I have done in this semi-lockdown/full-lockdown period we’re currently living in. Cooking an entire tiramisu then eating just the cream off the top, for example. Cutting old pairs of jeans into ugly shorts. Re-downloading Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.

The idea came to me when I got a notification on Facebook. Back in 2014, my friend Luke and I were living together and became deeply, alarmingly obsessed with the phone game, which saw you playing a sort of hanger-on in Kim Kardashian‘s social circle, attempting to climb to the top of the celebrity ladder by doing photo shoots, networking with other famous people, and doing whatever Kim told you to do.

Anyway, Luke posted this to my timeline in June 2014, and it popped up in my memories.

Cue me deciding now would be the perfect time to re-download Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. It was fun then, surely it would be fun now?

I got so confused with all the hair/outfit/eye choices that I just went with the automated option, who does kind of look like me in a 400% hotter way.

management 101 is leaving the closure of your high end store to a rando

So “me” is the new girl at a shop, which I think in the OG game was a Dash store – remember that chain the Kardashians started? It’s dead now, so I now don’t work in Dash.

The owner alarmingly leaves me to lock up, which is horrendous management, and then Kim comes by RIGHT as I’m closing. Obviously I let her in to pilfer my store, and she asks my advice. Then she’s like “hey you seem cool, random lady! Come be in a photo shoot!” which makes absolutely no sense but here we are.

yeah cool we’ll just drop thousands on a photo shoot for this absolute nobody Kim picked up in a shop

At both the store and the photo shoot, I have to click these little blue bubbles that ask me to do various tasks like “pose!” and “straighten clothing!”

Each task takes up a certain about of lightning bolts, which are essentially energy. Here’s where we ALL fell into a deep, problematic hole of spending actual IRL cash on this bad boy. Because when you get down to 0 lightning bolts, you can buy Kardashian stars – which can be exchanged for more lightning bolts.

Anyway I leave the shoot (smashed it) and then I get a manager, then a publicist, and everyone is working to make me a STAR. Except I accidentally flirt with this guy, I’ve forgotten his name, it was like Dierks Bentley except not that because that is a (very, very good) country music star.

Anyway that flirting sesh means I earn a Hollywood enemy – Willow. The very person my friend Luke bitched about in an interview, losing 100k followers in the process.

Willow fucking SUCKS and her demonic energy follows you through the game. You always have these options to be a total bitch about her or to take the high road, and while you’d think taking the high road would always win you fans and fame, actually sometimes being a sneaky kent works better. The thing is, you never know when it’ll work or blow up in your face (see again: Luke).

From there, Maria my publicist tells me to use people to get ahead. Namely, to go on some dates with a semi-famous guy for attention. I went with “artist vibes” and got this guy:

love encouraging tweens to lead poor dudes on for the sake of popularity!

Here’s where I started considering spending cash. The genius trick with Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is that you get so fucking into the plotline, you don’t want to wait three whole minutes for your energy to reload.

My friend Caitlin told me she recently re-downloaded the game too.

“Mel, I shit you not. I downloaded it when I was Christmas Party hungover once and fuckin’ spent like $80 (yes, 8-0 Australian dollars) in there trying to get ahead in that world.”

Same, though. This time, I felt older and wiser… and also just couldn’t justify spending cash in the middle of a pandemic on a game I wasn’t 100% invested in. But the temptation was certainly there. For example, see here on my second photo shoot (who is giving this random woman a bazillion photo shoots for magazines? What mag has this kind of money to waste on some nobody?) I have 8 zappy energy things, but I haven’t even started working. I’m gonna need more if I wanna get past the photo shoot and onto the next task without waiting until morning!

side note how skeezy does this photographer look? He def got #MeToo rumbled

Also if you notice there I have now transformed myself into “real Mel but hotter” c/o my actual haircut. Love this for me.

Anyway, I would not encourage the re-downloading of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood because it’s simply impossible to have a good time without spending money. And then you start spending all these small increments and eventually you’re cashing out $100 a week on this bitch. No bueno.

Instead, I will just go back to Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey because it doesn’t make me pay money, and also I get to fuck my way across Greece which is a huge vibe tbh.