Swimwear trends are often alarming until you get involved with them and realise that yes, cut out one-pieces are actually fucking sexy, in fact. But every couple of years there’s a trend I simply cannot accept. And those swimmer bums that look like a long pad are it for 2019.

You guys, I just cannot with these. I don’t understand them. I don’t think I want to understand them.

TELL ME THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A LARGE ORANGE PAD.

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Desert vibe ????

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To be clear – I love the high-cut trend. I think it’s really flattering on the leg, and really celebrates the female form which I L-O-V-E. Within reason – sometimes it’s a bit odd-looking if the straps are up around your ribs. But in general, I’m on board.For example, this I love:

I get it, you know? It’s a wearable swimmer bum. You could dive under a wave in those and not expose a flap. My aversion is to the large strap of material sliding around on a piece of string.

I just… ok let’s start with practicality, because if I wore these I would be at peak anxiety levels worrying that any slight movement would reveal my entire vulva to other pool-goers. How does the pad stay in place? Aren’t you all experiencing low-level panic attacks?

If not, what is your SECRET? I need to know your anxiety calming methods.

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bb ???? @fashionnova

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My next question is how things look at the back, because I’m imagining this giant wad of material trying to make it’s way into your crack and failing. AGAIN – I get the g-banger swim look. I do! Yay for asses! But there’s this:

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@ohpolly ????☺️

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And then there’s whatever happens when a large pad tries to wedge in there, you know? It’s like when you were a kid and tried to turn your giant boyleg undies into a g-string to pretend to be an adult (no one did this? no one?). It looked fucking weird.

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wish you were here .????

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Anyway,  IDK they’re a swimwear trend and I promise I won’t judge you if you’re into it. I just don’t understand? Seems like a lot of anxiety and return-of-the-pad-life to me.

Image: Instagram / @sierraaskyee