I Simply Do Not Understand Why We Are All Wearing Swimmers That Look Like A Large Pad


Swimwear trends are often alarming until you get involved with them and realise that yes, cut out one-pieces are actually fucking sexy, in fact. But every couple of years there’s a trend I simply cannot accept. And those swimmer bums that look like a long pad are it for 2019.

[jwplayer sVILPwzU]

You guys, I just cannot with these. I don’t understand them. I don’t think I want to understand them.


To be clear – I love the high-cut trend. I think it’s really flattering on the leg, and really celebrates the female form which I L-O-V-E. Within reason – sometimes it’s a bit odd-looking if the straps are up around your ribs. But in general, I’m on board.For example, this I love:

I get it, you know? It’s a wearable swimmer bum. You could dive under a wave in those and not expose a flap. My aversion is to the large strap of material sliding around on a piece of string.

I just… ok let’s start with practicality, because if I wore these I would be at peak anxiety levels worrying that any slight movement would reveal my entire vulva to other pool-goers. How does the pad stay in place? Aren’t you all experiencing low-level panic attacks?

If not, what is your SECRET? I need to know your anxiety calming methods.

My next question is how things look at the back, because I’m imagining this giant wad of material trying to make it’s way into your crack and failing. AGAIN – I get the g-banger swim look. I do! Yay for asses! But there’s this:


And then there’s whatever happens when a large pad tries to wedge in there, you know? It’s like when you were a kid and tried to turn your giant boyleg undies into a g-string to pretend to be an adult (no one did this? no one?). It looked fucking weird.

Anyway,  IDK they’re a swimwear trend and I promise I won’t judge you if you’re into it. I just don’t understand? Seems like a lot of anxiety and return-of-the-pad-life to me.