The 2019 Fashion Awards just went down over in Ye-Olde-London-Town, which I am deeply obsessed with currently because I’m watching season 3 of The Crown.

The who’s-who of fashion was obviously there, from Model Of The Year Adut Akech (AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!) to Donatella Versace. There were also a bunch of actors for some reason, like Bella Thorne???? Anyway whatever. Clearly with these shows they start with the limited, sensical guest list and then just start thrusting invites at anyone with a recognisable face. I’ve just accepted it now.

Since there was a red carpet, here I am to critique it while simultaneously stuffing potato chips into my gob and wearing a sack dress my dog has ripped at the bottom.

CAMILLE CHARRIERE

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I love me a Picnic At Hanging Rock vibe as much as the next person (moreso actually) but not teamed with an inflatable jacket.

RAFF LAW

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This is Jude Law’s son. This is also a man wearing, incredibly, white loafers.

NICHOLAS HOULT

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The two most unfair things in this universe is a) why didn’t someone from Gucci gussy up Nick Hoult with a Harry Styles-esque floral suit, and b) why isn’t he my boyfriend.

STELLA MAXWELL

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Stella is one of those models that can wear fucking anything and look phenomenal, like she could wear a Mugatu-style garbage dress and look chic as hell. So I’m a bit disappointed she didn’t go more fashion rogue here. But does look, obviously, stunning.

MATTHEW MORRISON

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I have not thought about this man since Glee finished, but I will be thinking about those aggressively fitted pants until the end of time. I’ll give Matt this – the velvet blazer is fantastic.

MIGUEL

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Ooft, why do I love this? It’s essentially a Hugh Hefner dressing gown over a romper made of suit material but goddamn, it’s working.

LIAM PAYNE & MAYA HENRY

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What the fuck is going on with Liam’s greasy fringe there? Stop that immediately. I’ll happily accept Maya’s unicorn dress if she’d just let me rip off the frilly collar, however.

ALEXA CHUNG

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What…. what???? Alexa??? What the shit is going on here? It’s like disco time at the local convent or something.

POPPY DELEVINGNE

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It’s not that I’ve never seen a pouffey princess dress on a red carpet before, it’s that I’ve never seen one worn with such an alarming serial killer smile.

RIHANNA

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Now we’re talking! Kind of! I like this but something about the mini looks a bit ill-fitting, like it’s too big for Rih or something? Whatever I’m so scarred by Poppy’s murder smile and Alexa’s nun chic that I will accept it.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

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It’s like sexy Downton Abbey which I am all for, considering we’re in LANDAN here.

KYLIE MINOGUE

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Kylie my gal!! What are you doing!! This is so bizarre I don’t know where to start – fluoro slip dress, potentially good. Exhorbitantly huge blazer, incredibly terrible. What looks like a human liver removed due to bacterial infection as a clutch? Get out of my sight.

RITA ORA

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Kinda into the Austin Powers mood.

ELSA HOSK

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Kinda into ABS YOU COULD CRUSH GRAPES INTO WINE WITH.

LIYA KEBEDE

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Ok something is going on with these sleeping bag dresses, and I hate them but I also see a pattern so it’s obviously some designer having a bit of a time with sleeping bags. However – does that mean you can wear a white t-shirt on a fancy red carpet? No.

CATE BLANCHETT

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As always, a queen. I don’t know who they could cast her as in The Crown, but I deeply hope they find some excuse to cast her in The Crown.

ADWOA ABOAH

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Oof it’s like Marie Antoinette for 2019 and I deeply, deeply love it.

SANDRA OH

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She’s channelling Helena Bonham Carter and I back it 100%.

LILY JAMES

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I just don’t think there will ever be a time where I see a giant fuck-off bow on someone’s chest and think *waves arms in general direction* “good”.

CHIARA FERRAGNI

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A human mermaid.

NOOMI RAPACE

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Props for going against the tide or whatever with this whole getup Noomi but this ended up very Willy Wonka goes to hell and becomes satan.

PIXIE GELDOF

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Another thing I can’t get on board with – these gimungous padded headbands. They just make everyone’s noggin look irrationally tall?

ARIZONA MUSE

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I LOVE a good pant suit! This is a good pant suit.

LADY MARY CHARTERIS

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As someone who has always wanted to be royal, is currently watching The Crown and obsessed with royals, and also enjoys a spicy royal – this outfit, impeccable. Also did you know Lady Mary is the daughter of an Earl but also in the band The Big Pink? What a vibe.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

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See? Why is Shailene Woodley wearing an entire sleeping bag? It’s like school camp up in here. Also how BOILING HOT would you be!? Like slowly steam-cooking your insides hot.

LEWIS HAMILTON

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YES YES YES EVERYONE ELSE TAKE NOTES.

ADUT AKECH

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I wish we’d all stop doing padded hip bows but what a colour, and I think it’s got a shimmery under-side? Love.

BELLA THORNE

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I don’t know why she is here but at least she hasn’t tried to wear cut-offs on the red carpet.

WINNIE HARLOW

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More Marie Antoinette! Incredible, amazing, fantastic, perfection.

EMILIA CLARKE

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Yes.

DONATELLA VERSACE

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More yes, because Donatella is glaring at me from 24 hours away on the other side of the world and I’m scared.

AMI & AYA SUZUKI

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Who are these women I NEED TO MEET THEM.